This is so embarrassing to admit, but as I got older, being sexy was a goal I thought only boys could help me achieve. Each guy that hit on me or slid in my dms was evidence of this sexiness. I was so wrong!!!! You know how people say all those things like "you have to believe in yourself" or "you have to be confident in yourself", or any other mantra that begins with "you"? I didn't connect that to being sexy, because in my childish mind, sexiness was only about someone else's attraction to you and sex, which you need other people for (debatable, I know). But again, I was wrong!!! You have to see it in yourself first. You have to see your own sex appeal to believe that it's there. At least that's how it was for me. 

I still have only okay boobs and I'm still fat. Now the ass thing, I need to get one of those LOL. What I'm saying is, my body hasn't changed in the ways that others may have wanted it to, but my own attitude and feelings about it has. I thought that it was an all or nothing type of thing. If my body wasn't perfect or if I wanted some things to be different, I couldn't love it. That's so far from true. I think about the people I love and how they get on my nerves sometimes...It doesn't change the love. Love comes with acceptance. Once I began to accept my body as less than perfect, but still good, I began to love it.

When I turned 23, something awoke in me. Instead of viewing my body as less than perfect, I viewed it as perfect for me. But if anybody starts passing out ass, I'll take some. I had embraced my natural hair and started becoming more of the me you all know today. The body positive movement on social media began and there were fat bodies everywhere. I saw myself in them too, which only made me appreciate the way I was designed even more. My cute face was attached to a body I loved, which created the sexy part of my personality. 

I know I said that boys had no effect on how I feel about myself, but there is this one guy who validates my feelings about my body and even encourages me to be sexy out loud. He likes my body even on the days that I don't. That happens sometimes...I'm human. I had already reached the point of feeling sexy on my own when he came along, but he kind of pushed it into overdrive lol 

So I'm feeling like the sexiest version of myself, comfortable in my skin, sex appeal on 70 without even trying- all the way on 100 with some effort, just to be knocked all the way back down.

I had finally decided it was time to be more health conscious. I started asking around about PCPs and I found one. I had the first appointment on August 23, 2019 and she did some blood work. She gets the results and goes whoa you're definitely diabetic. I cried for about 2 hours. I'm not even joking. I was crying the whole time she was explaining what that meant and what I needed to do moving forward. Understand this, I DID NOT GET DIABETES BECAUSE I AM FAT! I got diabetes because it runs in my family, I didn't know that, I didn't go to the doctor, and on top of that, I am fat. We'll talk about this more in the future. Back to sexy...

So after that diagnosis, I was down and out for a little while. I can only imagine that a medical condition would make anyone feel a little unattractive...maybe? I had to build myself back up again. I spent a lot of time in the mirror. Looking at the bruises from needle pokes because I'm a teacher not a medical professional LOL I was bruising myself trying to get it right. Looking at my big belly and thighs....I was mad at myself and I blamed my body just like all those internet idiots do. I had to start from the basics and go back to acceptance. I think the initial shock of the diagnosis stunned me for a bit and I was frozen. A plan of action was put into place and it was easier to accept myself, and even make my way back up to sexy in my own eyes.

It may seem vain, but my opinion of the way that I look has affected so much of my life. I internalized so many things the wrong way. Now, if someone isn’t interested in me, it’s not because there’s something wrong with me. There might be something wrong with him or I’m just not his type. That’s allowed. My sexiness doesn’t have much to do with anyone outside of myself. I created it, nurtured it, and watched it bloom. If it weren’t for my career, yall would see so much more of me LOL but I’ll be damned if a parent or even a student came up to me with a picture of my ass 😂

 I worked hard to feel the way that I do now and I'm proud of it. 

When I get out of the shower and moisturize my skin, you can't tell me, my soft skin, or my sloppy bun NOTHIN!!! That is when I feel the sexiest, it's when I'm the happiest, and it's what I go to when I'm feeling low. Don't let my apartment be clean and my candles be lit....Can you say BLISS?! 

The journey to sexy is personal. Mine took a looooong time and endured a few detours, but I made it. My opinion of my body stopped me from feeling sexy sooner. Now I believe it to be a facet of my personality brought out when the time is right or very rarely on twitter and snapchat 😇


Oh PS know your family history and go to the doctor. Some of the shit out there is 100% preventable. 

PPS to the jackass who decided that effect and affect should have such similar meanings and spellings...kiss my sexy ass you douche. 


This song speaks to my sexy soul...

I wasn't going to do this. I had a plan for what my New Year's Eve was going to look like and it's already not going that way. I think that's hilarious because that's exactly how the last 10 years have been. 

I had plans for EVERYTHING and none of those plans worked out. Life happened. Life happening has given me some of the greatest experiences of my life!! But I can't let the next ten years just happen to me.  

My word(s) for 2020 is(are) INTENTION-INTENT-INTENTIONAL---you get it. I'm not going to go into detail. That's enough about that. 

So here are my top 10 Confessions/Final Thoughts/Lessons of 2019:

1. Negative self talk only manifests negative things in your life.
2. I'm obsessed with the eucalyptus and spearmint scent from bath and body works
3. I have to show up for myself like I do for everyone else.
4. Sharpies, flair pens, smelly makers, sticky notes. That's it. That's number 4.
5. I have to learn how to grocery shop on a budget.
6. Discipline and consistency are necessary to make change.
7. Ratchet TV calms me down when I'm anxious.
8. Reading is important to me.
9. We're a generation of people who don't go to the doctor. We need to go to the doctor.
10. Inaccessible and unavailable...

To quote myself from 2017

I always saw memes that described situationships and I’ve even described other people’s relationship as such. Somehow, I missed when I slipped into one. I didn’t even realize that that’s what was happening until the guy loosely mentioned it. Then I started to wonder what a situationship really is…I thought I knew, but seeing how I didn’t recognize my own, maybe I don’t.

I could not figure this out on my own, so I asked the public and here’s what they had to say:

Answer 1: A relationship that's not a relationship lmao
Answer 2: Two people acting like they're together with no title and no sign of commitment
Answer 3: Any relationship best defined as "it's complicated"
Answer 4: Friends with benefits
Answer 5: An understanding between two parties
Answer 6: A relationship in which one party isn’t giving their all. One person likes the other person and the other person isn’t as invested. Lies are involved.
My answer: A relationship with no title, no commitment, but all the feelings.

I was amazed at the differences in the responses. Like WOW! Maybe this is a part of the problem. Everyone has their own definition of what’s going on.

The best definition is ANSWER 3! Maybe every situationship is not the same. They are always complicated, though.

I was friends with my guy, we did have an understanding, I felt like we were “together” but not really, and it was definitely complicated. My guy didn’t lie to me.

Defining a situationship turned out to be more difficult than I anticipated. I figured the various definitions would lead to misconceptions.

I asked the public what misconceptions exist about situationships and here’s what they said:

Answer 1: That people don’t prefer them. They could be someone’s relationship preference.
Answer 2: That they are negative.
Answer 3: That they don’t lead to an actual relationship.
Answer 4: That they lead to relationships.
Answer 5: That women get the short end of the stick.
Answer 6: That the woman is settling because the man doesn’t want a commitment or wants to hoe around.
 My answer: That the feelings aren’t real.
 
I didn’t have a negative experience, it didn’t lead to a relationship and I thought it would, I can’t say that I settled, but he was the one that didn’t want a relationship. Despite how everything happened, we feel real things for each other.
 
That leads me to what inspired my post. My guy said “is [it] fair to actively pursue someone or be pursued by someone and still be in a situationship with someone??”
 
Long story short, my guy didn’t want to be in a relationship, so I decided it was time to explore my options. There was a guy that has been lurking around for a little while now and he just so happened to speak up at the right time. I was honest with both guys about what was happening. I believe that in this unique situation, everybody needs the information to make their own choices. I wasn’t seeking approval or attention, and I wasn’t hoping this new guy would make the old guy change his mind. I don’t know how to do this.  I discovered that I was extremely guarded, longing for my guy, and unexpectedly confused and guilty. Let’s unpack that:
 
Guarded- I didn’t even know how to let a guy be my friend, because friendship is how my situationship started. My experience wasn’t bad, but it didn’t lead to what I wanted. And even just the thought of winding up there again, terrifies me.
 
Longing for my guy- He knows me-The good, the bad, and the ugly. He also accepts me. We’ve gone on a beautiful journey together and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. We are not “ending” we are transitioning and it will be tough.
 
Confused- I question whether or not I’m making the right decision, if I’m moving too fast from one thing to another, how honest I should be with each person…
 
Guilty- referring back to what I believe to be a huge misconception of situationships: the feelings are real. I want to continue to be friends with my guy, but he has feelings too. Just because he didn’t want to be with me, doesn’t mean this doesn’t bother him. I’ve been trying to figure out how to navigate this situation in ways that respects my privacy and right to date, but also doesn’t mislead anyone. Then I think about the guy that I’m beginning to “date” and I wonder if I’m doing him wrong. I told him a lot of what was going on, so it’s not like he’s walking in blind, but still…I just feel so much guilt.
 
 
The toughest part about being in a situationship?
 
Answer 1: addressing blurred boundaries
Answer 2: when it starts to feel too much like a relationship
Answer 3: compromise, communication, consistency
Answer 4: Not getting what I truly want
Answer 5: involving other people
Answer 6: hurt feelings
 
My answer: shaky confidence in decision making
 
Any questions for me? Advice? Thoughts? Send me a message. Let’s chat!

As I've shared on many different platforms, I have never been in a relationship. I've been a side chick, I've been in a situationship, I've had crushes, I've had suitors, but I've never had a boyfriend.
That often leads me to wonder why...but I'm not ready to explore that yet LOL. I have my ideas as to what I think makes me good girlfriend material and ideas as to what would bother someone about dating me. I could list those things out, but I decided to branch out and ask the guys who know me what they think. Some of these answers really threw me for a loop. And some of the things that didn't make the list surprised me. 

The question I asked them was : what do you think are the pros and cons of dating me?

Pros from guy 1: great sense of humor, huge heart, loyal, honest, positive, great drinking partner, spontaneous, secret, secret, and can cook
Cons from guy 1: bossy, don't like football, and if an argument breaks out he thinks I'll call the cops

Pros from guy 2: funny by accident, like to cook, we would compliment each other in areas that we lack in 
Cons from guy 2: needy, no booty, stubborn/hard headed (this guy was uncooperative in this area and basically told me to tell him what I think and he'd pick from the list...asshole! LOL)

Pros from guy 3: very understanding, good at letting people be themselves, I can talk shit and you won't be offended or irritated, you cook, clean, you're smart, corny as hell
Cons from guy 3: You are a bit pessimistic and you get on my nerves
Additional commentary from guy 3: I love you for you. Flaws and all.

My Comments:
When I decided to branch out and ask guys I know about this, I didn't expect to hear such nice things. I mean I mostly talk shit with my guy friends. I was very pleasantly surprised at how I'm perceived.. I think it's so funny that they all talked about my cooking. None of them said I was cute...so am I cute and that's not important or am I ugly? Some days, I really don't know! 
According to these guys, I should have a boyfriend. Let me add that at some point, all these guys had their chance with me and passed...so ummmmmm they're all lying about those cons 😐

JK but for real...I'm everybody's baby, boo, and dear, but I'm not anybody's girlfriend LOL let me go find one. BYE YALL! 

So remember how I told y’all about when I lost my virginity? Well after four years, I finally have details about that night from the perspective of the man involved.

I never really inquired about it much because I always understood that it was a bigger deal to me. We have definitely talked about it, but I never really got his perspective. I have expressed many times how this experience has changed my life. I didn’t take his virginity, I was not on his radar, and I was extremely inexperienced. I was the one with news after our encounter, not him. After sharing my first experience with him on my blog, my curiosity peaked. I got so much feedback and a few questions. I really wanted to know his side. 

As I’ve mentioned, it was a bigger deal to me. I remembered things down to specific moments. His thoughts seemed to be more scattered and not in a story format. 

There were some similarities in our stories, thoughts, and feelings, but there were also some differences. 

We both agree that he totally didn’t believe me about being a virgin. What I didn’t know was the extent of his doubt...Yall he didn’t believe me until he was...ummm...in there. 

We agree that we were drunk and there was a lot of sexual tension. What I didn’t know was he was feeling it from someone else too. Super awkward because there were only 2 other people in the room...

He was not having the internal conflict that I was having LOL because he definitely thought he was going to be having sex with the other person...We were not in the same space mentally. I knew we was bouta fu-- yall get it. 

Our first real disagreement was about the scene where we were dancing in the corner. Remember I told yall I had my body pressed up against his and I felt his lips and tongue on my ear and neck? He said I kissed him and he was like “oh” kinda like oh she’s for real. I don’t recall kissing him. 

One of the pivotal moments that led to my deflowering was when we left the “party” and went our separate ways. He got the note that I left. He said he was shocked. Yall, I really don’t think he knew what was going on in my mind. I was determined to...you know... and I thought that was more obvious. Guess not.

The thing that really got me is that he thought I wasn’t going to do anything when I went to his place. Again, he did not know how much I wanted him. 

He had some comments about what went down in his bed. We won’t be discussing those things. 

After everything was said and done, he felt one way and I felt another. I walked away feeling like a new person who had done something “bad” but good. He was more like...Hope I don’t regret that… 

The jury’s still out on whether or not he regrets it. Girly can be a handful ;)

I had always wondered about his side of the story. It was to finally hear how he remembers things. 
.


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​

​Most of the people I've grown apart from, I've been okay with the fact that we grew apart and wouldn't want it any other way. I'm not trying to be shady, but some things are just not for me and I'm cool with that. However, there's one of my former friends that I miss so much. We grew apart and will probably not come together again. I think she did what she had to do and as much as it hurt me for her to make that decision, I understand having to do what's best for you no matter the cost. 

Dear Old Friend, 

I swear you showed up outta nowhere!! My best friend was hanging out with some new girl and she kept telling me I needed to meet her. We met, we drank, and our friendship was solidified. 

I pray the memories I have with you never fade. When I think of the times in my life where I had the most fun, you were almost always there. I'm always going to have a special place in my heart for anyone who made me laugh as much as you did. I think back to our Ariana Grande road trip, Cinco de Mayo, your birthday in Cincy with the whole wig situation (LMFAO) (SORRY TEJ), decorating gingerbread cookies, and our ugly day on my couch being sad about boys and watching movies. OMG THE SHOTS, BITCH! SO MANY SHOTS!  I feel like we could talk about anything and if we couldn't talk it out, there were always drinks to be had LOL Also, I never seen anybody throw up cute, especially while they were drunk. Like wtf?! 

When the friendship started to fade, I was very confused. I'm not exactly sure what happened, as things ended very abruptly. I need to confess that I said some things that I shouldn't have said  because I was mad. In a sense, I participated in "cancel culture" and cancelled you. Doesn't matter, you had already cancelled me LOL. I don't think I've ever been so affected by someone deciding to drop me out of their life. It took some time to realize that my feelings were hurt. Anger presented itself first and I ran with it. I still don't really know what happened and I've made my peace with it. I just hope that you are really happy and that you hold on to the good times as tightly as I have. 

Love always, 

Ashley ♥

PS shout out to you for teaching me how to do my eyebrows! The gift that keeps on giving...fire selfies for life! 

PPS #amicutebitch

This week, I asked 2 questions on my IG. 

Question 1: Why have you ghosted a friend?
Answer 1: because of her relationship. I couldn't take the stress anymore. 
Answer 2: I didn't want to but it was a hindrance on my relationship
Answer 3: I think we just grew apart
Answer 4: Because after repeated conversation, she never changed and never saw fault in herself.

Question 2: When is it okay to ghost a friend?
Answer 1: depends on the situation. I didn't end the friendship. Just separated myself
Answer 2: Never. I should've explained to my friend exactly what was going on but instead I didn't. Won't make that mistake again. 
Answer 3: When your relationship becomes toxic and the other person isn't willing to change. 
Answer 4: When they're not listening. You can only have so many conversations before you realize the person they are is not a person you want around. 

These questions prompted a new question: what is ghosting?
After discussing with a few friends, the conclusion we came to that ghosting is ending a friendship completely on your terms and completely cutting off the other person. No conversation, no explanation, just disappearing. 

What do you consider ghosting to be? Do you have an answer for the questions? Let me know!

Thanks for reading! Make sure you're following my blog on IG @nicolenaturallyblog 

National Friendship Day is coming up soon and in honor of that, I'm calling out some of the greats! These are in no particular order!

1. Kiera- always a good time! Doesn't matter if we're drinking and turning up or laying on the couch watching SVU (she got me hooked!) She's currently in PA school! Can't wait til she graduates so we can catch up on our lazy days and party a little bit :)
2. Devin- easily the sweetest person I've ever met! I could sit and talk to her all day long while drinking wine and watching Friends! Hope to see her soon :)
3. Te'Jal- she sweats peace and love and fights hard for the community! I admire her tenacity and determination to make a difference. She made me watch that Draya movie on Netflix and Someone Great...both scarred me LOL Can't wait to see what movie she makes me watch next :)
4. Quanita- proof that real friendship doesn't follow a specific path or a set of rules. I hadn't seen her in years, maybe two? And when we got together, it's like no time had passed! Looking forward to our next adventure :)
5. Marvin- he supports all my naps, yall! I be like tell me to get up and he be like go back to sleep. That's my kind of love LOL hope to catch a community nap soon :)
6. Miracle- inspiring in so many ways! I still can't believe she moved across the country lol that still blows my mind. I enjoy witnessing her growth and being apart of her journey. I have to get to Vegas again...but not while its hot :)
7. Rachel- my road trip partner, my goodwill tour partner, my gym partner, and the person who taught me how to parallel park! We have a wonderfully random time every time we get together! I wonder where we'll end up next :)
8. Jamall- BILLY! yall wanna know whose nerves I get on? Jamall's LOL but he still answers my phone calls every once in a while. Hope to see you around here in like October :)

Each of these people stuck it out with me for YEARS!! Do you know what happens to people over time? We grow, we go through things, we change, we move away, we have kids, we get married, we get second jobs, and we get stressed out. But you know what happens because we are real friends? WE STICK AROUND! We find a way to make it work with all the other things going on in our lives. We stay loyal. We love each other.   

To all the friends above and to those not listed: Thank you ❤

Before we jumped into today's topic, I have two things to say: Eric Bellinger's pandora station is the best thing ever and Outshine Fruit Bars are the best in margaritas!

​Oh, I also have updates!

My office is fully functional again!
I am not the teacher of the year, not officially anyway! We all know I'm a good teacher!
I'm saving money, yall!

Umm that's all I can think of right now. 

So today's topic is about dating apps. Back in 2014, I used Soul Swipe and met one guy. We'll call him, Max because idk anyone named Max lol Max said he was 26 and at the time, I was 22. Yall know I love me an older man, YUM! So we matched and we talked. We exchanged numbers and then he made some confessions. One of which was that he was actually 20...I was so pissed. He immediately became annoying and super clingy. I had to tell him I was uncomfortable with how reliant he had become on me for his mood. If I didn't talk to him, he was depressed. I guess I didn't like him enough to want to talk to him all day. We eventually stopped talking after a few months. Fast forward a few years and somehow we reconnected. It was then that I realized he had some mental health issues. 

The weekend of June 21, we all went Cincinnati to celebrate my best friend's engagement. It was a combination of new and old friends. I caught up with an old friend who was using Bumble, which is a dating app if you don't know. I didn't know anything about it before she showed it to me. She was detailing some of her experiences using it and I was just so amazed!! She convinced me to try it myself, so I made a profile for the weekend. It was nice to have conversations with different people and I guess since I wasn't at home, it felt a little less risky. I matched with a few guys pretty quickly and the conversations just took off. I was drinking, so I was a little less inhibited and more comfortable being myself. I was encouraged to try to link up at some of the bars we went to, but I was nervous about that. I have such an incredible fear of strangers online. I blew off a couple of them, but one guy was very persistent. He kept trying to meet up with me in cinci and I was okay with that because I don't live there and I had friends around. It didn't work out for us to meet so I said screw it and gave up on that. I didn't think we would talk anymore, but like I said, he was persistent. When he found out I was back in Dayton, he told me his mom lived there and that he was coming to visit her. Again, I was encouraged to meet up with him. Ultimately, I couldn't do it. I gave up on the app entirely. Deleted that shit. It didn't work out for me, but the experts told me I didn't give it enough of a chance. And that I can agree with. I was half-assing my efforts. We'll talk about why later.

The experts are two friends of mine who have had great experiences using dating apps. They put the effort in, weeded through some garbage, and found some people on there who are worth their time. I asked these two ladies what they would tell people before using dating apps. Here is what they said:

• Know what you want to get out of using the dating app
• Openly communicate that to avoid wasting anyone's time
• Be open minded, its a different, non traditional way of dating but that doesn't mean it's wrong or that it can't work
• Give it an honest shot
• Don't be afraid to be assertive
• Stay true to your standards
• Don't get caught up in talk, focus on actions
• And at least get food or drinks

Maybe one day I'll be ready to really put the effort into dating apps, but today isn't that day! Third time's the charm though, right? 

Here's a cool assignment, how would you describe yourself in your dating profile? I'll anonymously post them on IG! If you're not following my blog, you should! @nicolenaturallyblog on IG :)
I'll be posting my description on my blog page soon!

This is what I wrote back in 2015, a few months after I lost my virginity. To this day, it is still one of my favorite stories to tell...here goes. 

It was Saturday, July 11th and I had attended an event for work. It was exhausting, but lots of fun. A few coworkers and I had decided we were going to go out. We made a liquor store run and everybody went home to shower. We met up at a friends place to pregame. Everybody had their own liquor, which is crazy thinking back. We had vodka, tequila, and whiskey all in the same room with just 4 people. Everybody likes what they like, right? Somehow the conversation of sex came up and I happened to mention that I was a virgin. Before I could even say anything else, one of the guys was like "Bullshit." Yall...I dont know why, but I decided in that moment that I was going to have sex with him. I cannot tell you what about that statement turned me on so much, but it really did. I saw him so differently instantly. I felt drawn to him.

I became two people inside one body, battling each other. The "good girl" was like we are not doing this. The "new girl" was like yes we are, watch me work. I flirted so much trying to see if he could see what I was on. I discovered that we were on the same wavelength when he tried to untie my shirt in front of everyone LOL Everybody was too drunk to notice, at least I think so. The "good girl" was getting nervous. The "new girl" was getting excited! Like wow this is really going to happen. 

He was eating sour patch kids and I took the bag and ate the rest. He told me I would have to go to his place and get his other bag. (His place was real close). So I did. And I left him a note that read something like "She even excels at things she's new to..." I can't remember. Something along the lines of I'm a virgin but so. When I came back and gave him his candy, one of our friends decided he was ready to go home. The other friend was drunk off her ass not paying us any attention. There was music in the background and we started dancing. I made sure I had my entire body pressed up against his. Next thing I know, his hands were everywhere and I could feel his lips and tongue on my ear. The "good girl" started panicking and the "new girl" was like bitch go away, I got this LOL

The other girl that was in the room was totally in her own world! The guy and I changed the music to better fit our mood. I remember he was sitting in a chair and I stood in front of him. He started feeling me up and I could feel myself melt. Everything about this was wrong, yet so wonderfully right at the same time. At this point we had decided that maybe it was time to put ol girl to bed. She was so drunk yall! Oblivious to everything that was happening right in front of her. We left and stood real awkwardly outside her door. We went our separate ways and I was like oh, I guess it's not happening. 

Remember that note I left...He texted me about it and I went to his place. We had a conversation about something and he made me mad so I left. The "good girl" and the "new girl" were both silent. I was just Ashley making a decision for Ashley. I can't remember if I texted him or if he texted me, but I went back. He knew I was coming and he knew what I was coming for. There was music playing, the lights were off, and when I made it to his bedroom, there were no words...at first. We did a few things and he thought it was over. I was like no sir...you started something that you have to finish. And he did....

Heyyy! So yall...my average weekly views went up by over 100 views the last few posts!!! WOOHOO! We're still doing baby numbers, but I'm happy!

Work has been crazy! One of my coworkers got his ass handed to him by our manager in front of us...talk about awkward...

I have to tell you guys this sushi story LOL

Sushi almost killed me. I was at work, got hungry and decided I wanted some sushi. When it arrived, I was so excited!! I started eating it with my little side of wasabi. Anybody who eats wasabi knows that it doesn't take much to get the job done. And if you don't eat wasabi, all you need is a tiny little bit to get the taste you're looking for. So I was happily eating my sushi and then I heard the ding in my ear which means a customer pulled up. I prepared my next bite of sushi while taking their order. I started preparing their order and I cashed them out. The customer went on their merry way and I went back to my sushi. I was about to prepare my next bite, when I heard the ding in my ear again. I was like screw it, I'm ready to eat this. So I quickly added my tiny bit of wasabi and stuffed the piece of sushi in my mouth. Remember how I said I had prepared my next bite of sushi? That means it already had wasabi on it. I was in such a rush that I didn't pay attention to that and added more wasabi. I realized my mistake when my face caught on invisible fire. I mean it went up my nasal passages, into my eyes, up in my head...invisible flames yall. To me it felt like it lasted forever, but it only lasted from the ding in my ear, to the customer driving to the window after my coworker took their order. It was short-lived, but the memory will be forever ingrained my mind. I will never look at wasabi the same way again. 

Let's get to the dark stuff...

This week's topic is about a problem I've been having. Ever since my dad died, making death a reality for me, I can't help but think about it. It usually only crosses my mind at night or when people don't text/call me back. What can I say, I worry a lot! Before bed, I used to be able to drown out the thoughts with tv. I would turn my sleep timer on and let the show ease into my mind replacing the negative thoughts. About a month into this job, the thoughts became more difficult to drown out. I would be up until 3 and 4 in the morning before my body would succumb to my exhaustion. During this time, I felt incredibly alone. It's like I didn't really want to talk about it, but I wanted someone else to be there. For the time being, it has gone back to being able to be drowned out by tv, but I know it won't last. I keep some NyQuil on my nightstand. Sometimes that's just easier! I've considered seeing a therapist about this, but I'm kind of afraid to. I don't even really know why. The worst that could happen is that things stay the same. I've managed this long...

Has anyone else had this experience? If so, what did you do about it?

Before I jump into this week's topic, I want to address something. MISERY LOVES COMPANY!!! They say that and I knew that, but it played out in front of my eyes. I was amazed and disappointed in myself. I complained a lot about my 2nd job. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but I was surrounded by people who were hating their life, hence hating their work. I would go to work and hear all these awful stories and be around such nasty attitudes. One of those people quit and a new girl started. She had a totally different, more positive attitude. Working with her was like working at a totally different job! I still hate it lol, but I didn't feel that dread anymore. 

Anyway....
Lately, I've been reflecting on the parts of me that need a little work. One of them is how quick I am to react when I feel angry. It's something I recently noticed. When I feel other emotions, I have ways of dealing with them because I've always had to deal with them. Experience has taught me what I need when I feel those emotions. Anger, is relatively new in the sense that I was a person who got more hurt than angry about things. I was very non confrontational and I found ways to make myself okay with whatever "angered" me. I am not that person anymore, and I'm starting to realize I need to find ways to control myself when I get angry. I don't think enough when I feel that. 

I was trying to pinpoint what makes me angry, which I addressed a little last week. My anger is driven by the things I feel passionate about and also by seeing people who are the way I used to be, doing things I used to do. Some of my anger in situations that I'm not directly involved in comes from the part of me that wants to protect those who may not be as comfortable calling things out. I have passion outside of school!! I'm excited about that LOL. My passion for certain things has outgrown my fear of the consequences. I've been known to yell at authority figures. It's not right and I know that. I've also been known to speak on the behalf of others in situations where they're standing quiet. I know that's wrong, too. NOT THINKING! It's not my business. I just know what it's like to feel voiceless and people aren't that stupid. You know when you're doing some fucked up shit and you probably know that you're taking advantage of someone's inability to speak up or handle conflict. Not in all cases, but definitely in some.

Now that I've had time to dive into this, my current solution is to just stop and think. I don't need to react right away. I also need to mind my own business. You teach people how to treat you and everybody's gotta learn that for themselves. 

This week's blog question (PS Most of these answers came from men) (That has never happened before lol)
Which emotion is the hardest for you to control?

Answer 1: Patience and irritability
Me: I suppose those go hand in hand, if one is high the other is low and vice versa

Answer 2: Love
Me: WOW! We're going to have to talk about that

Answer 3: Rationalizing
Me: I see. So deciding if the emotions you feel are appropriate?

Answer 4: Sympathy
Me: Interesting, don't be letting people get away with shit because you feel bad!

Answer 5: Anger and fear
Me: Twinsies! + Fear. I'm curious to know what you do about the anger.

Anybody seen Inside Out? The movie mostly takes place in a girl's brain. You see how the emotions work together to make her who she is. Here are a few clips of "Anger" LOL Enjoy :)

Recently, I went to visit my friend in Vegas. When I told people that, they were like "Oh did you gamble? Oh did you go here and do this?" No I didn't. And then I got that, "Oh, ok. Well I'm sure you had a good time anyway" Yes tf I did. Because I don't vacation your way. I didn't go to Vegas to do "Vegas" I don't care about no casino...I also don't care for bars and clubs outside of happy hour or trivia. Those of you who know me, know that. That is not a secret LOL. 

People look for different things on vacation. I don't need a lot. If I'm taking a break from my regular life...I want to sleep good, eat good, and drink good, all in good company. That's it. If there's enough time, we can throw in some touristy shit, but it's not a requirement. I'm not trying to be exhausted coming back from vacation. Also, If I'm with a guy, I want to have sex...I am who I am. 

As I mentioned before, I recently went to Vegas. I told Miracle I wanted to eat good, sleep good, and drink good. She delivered!

So I had to navigate the airport all by myself and I was nervous af but I did it!!! I was going to avoid drinking on the plane, but it turns out that I need liquor on a plane lol I was so scared, but proud of myself! When I got off the plane, I went to get my hair done...Extra hair is heavy af. But I was cute! We went to Fremont and walked around and saw some weird shit. Then we went to a sports bar. I had a margarita and some really good tacos! We also had real bad service *eyeroll* 

The next day, we went to a food festival! I had Mexican street corn for the first time and it was AMAZING! I need some more of that in my life! We had tons of other shit, but that's what stood out. Also, pretty sure I sweated off a pound in like an hour because it was hot af. We had a nice talk in her pool til some kids came and crashed the party. We went to this restaurant, and I had this really amazing seafood gumbo. It even had crawfish in it!!! Later that night, we randomly ended up at this hole in the wall arcade and as we were about to leave, these super huge golf and bowling games were available outside and I just had to play. I was also kinda drunk lol Just a little. I had taken a few shots of jack in the car and I had ordered a beer at the arcade! Miracle and I fell asleep watching Love and Basketball. 

The next day, we woke up and went to brunch! I had bottomless mimosas...I think I had 4 and a really fancy poptart. I had a meal, but I don't remember it *face palm*. We went back to her place and got pool ready!! She had gotten us on a guest list for some hotel pool party. It was way more lit than I anticipated and I had a GREAT time there!! I was so wasted and so free. We got back to her place and I couldn't even be sober for the kid lol Miracle cooked dinner and we did that Black Mirror movie thing. We fell asleep watching Twilight. 

On my last day, we took a road trip to do a wine tasting. We had a really nice bartender and we ended up eating at this place. It was interesting and hella boujie. We drove back to her place and headed for the airport. I had the worst flight of my life! First of all, due to the rain, the pump hole where they get the gas for the plain was full of water and nobody seemed to know what to do about it. So that delayed the flight about 45 minutes. Once they figured that out, we were further delayed having to wait for air traffic to clear since we were taking off so late. Once we were finally in the air, there were thunderstorms all over the place so the turbulence was horrible. It kept feeling like the plane was dropping. I was so glad to finally have my feet on the ground again. I don't even know how late the plane was, but I know I didn't make it back home til 2:30 and I had to wake up at 5 and go to work. 

Shoutout to Tej for driving me back and forth to Cincinnati! Here's a slideshow of my trip :)

Blog Question- What are you sure to include in your vacation? Or something like that LOL

Answer 1: Eating at places I don't have at home. 
Me: Yessss! New good ass food is always on the list!

Answer 2: Sleeping lol
Me: I'm totally here for the community nap!

Answer 3: Drinking and relaxing!
​Me: Yes and Yes!


To conclude...a vacation is whatever tf you want it to be!!! It doesn't have to live up to nobody's expectations except for yours. Also, I didn't proofread. Sorry for the errors :)

So it's been three weeks...oops. Life happened. Tornado happened, kindergarten graduation happened, and 2nd shift happened.

I'm listening to a Millenium Tour playlist and drinking jack and DIET pepsi. LMAO! That is so funny to me. My grandma gave it to me because she bought it and didn't like it. 

So I was dreading this year's kindergarten graduation. This was my favorite class. I mean from the day that I met them, my heart felt something different. When I was practicing what I was going to say, I kept tearing up and it turned into full on crying. As fate would have it, we had a natural disaster that screwed everything all up. We ended up changing the venue, the date, and pretty much the entire ceremony. I was so wrapped up in the changes that I forgot to cry. It was nice and the kids were so excited to see the videos we had made. I am going to miss them so much. 
Moving on....

I couldn't figure out how best to organize my thoughts on 2nd Shift in fast food...I'm just going to make a list of a few things I've learned/thought/felt about it...

• 2nd shift was created by the devil for the devil's people
• How do people who work 2-10:30 have a life?
• Fast food is DISGUSTING!!!!! We all need to stop eating that shit.
• My moral compass has a crack in it
• 1st shift is spoiled
• 2nd shift has too much responsibility

I think that's all I'm going to say publicly LOL

I decided to get a second job because my savings needs a boost. I have a small amount of savings, but its growing now. I have a deadline for my car and this job is helping me reach it. It was extremely difficult to accept that this is what I needed to do. It just seems so wrong for this to be necessary. I work hard at my first job and I don't even want much out of life, but I've got to do this to get something basic. It just doesn't sit well. Also, this is supposed to be my time to recharge after 9 months of 20 kids asking me 30 million questions before 9am. I had to get over that enough to actually make a move. I got frustrated about something, spoke to a friend, and the next thing I knew, I had a second job. Everybody keeps telling me they're proud of me, but I don't feel it. I'm not proud of me. I'm mad at me. WHY DIDN'T I GET AN ENGINEERING DEGREE?!

My manager is 18. She missed a day to go graduate from high school...Yeah.. I have tons of stories about this place, but I'll tell them once I quit. This job physically hurts my body and it takes my sleep...this ain't gon last long! Also, I feel like a horrible friend. I return no calls, I barely respond to texts. This job is physically more exhausting than I expected. I'm working most of the day and I get home so late that nobody else is really up. I'm awake until like 2am and then I sleep in til noon. By that time, I'm mentally preparing to go to this job I hate and everyone else is at work. But sacrifice is the name of the game right now. I just gotta deal with it for this short period of time. 

I learned some things about myself through this experience...I'm a big ass baby. And I'm fine with that. I also learned that I'm passionate about how people are treated. RESPECT, COMPASSION, EMPATHY..It makes me so angry when I see a lack of these things. And at this new job...I see a HUGE lack in these areas and it makes me a little sad and a lotta angry.

As I told yall...I'm listening to a Millenium Tour playlist...it's currently playing a song that LOOSELY matches what I said about how people should be treated..."let's reach out and love one another" It's talking about sex...which we all know I love soooo....I guess it fits for this week's video LOL Love yall! 

Hey yall! Sorry I'm late this week. I got some new things going on that are taking my time and my energy. 

If you are my friend on facebook, you know all about Roommate Guy. For those of you who do not know, Roommate Guy is this guy that I see every few months that always asks me if I still have roommates. Besides being a little creepy, here are 2 interesting facts about him:

• he's from Memphis and has this adorable little accent
• he's actually kinda cute...like a puppy

He's just so creepy. Like why are you always trying to figure out my roommate situation...?

So today I'm choosing to write about not giving up. I think one thing I've realized since branching out on my own is that life is hard. It's not for the weak. It's constantly navigating your way through a never ending series of challenges. After a while it's like fuck this! I've had enough! But life doesn't care that I said that and shit keeps happening. When you work so hard to still not have what you want, it's frustrating. When things don't happen when you want them to happen, it's frustrating. When things beyond your control try and tear you down, it's frustrating. But there are always reasons not to give up. Here are mine:

1. Overcoming challenges feels good. It may be annoying af to keep having to face one challenge after another, but the feeling I get from overcoming a challenge is well worth it. 
2. Giving up seems weak. I get so disappointed in myself even if the thought crosses my mind. 
3. There is always a lesson at the end of a struggle. I don't want to miss out on learning something by giving up before the lesson has been fully taught. 
4. Giving up puts something/someone else in charge of my life. 
5. MY MAMA AIN'T RAISE NO BITCH! 

Byeeee :)

In honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, I've decided to list my top 10 teaching confessions. I'm not speaking for all teachers, just myself!

1. MAY IS HARD! I cannot even begin to explain why. Too much teacher lingo. I'm so stressed. I'm so exhausted. I feel like I need a drink everyday, but I'm broke. Testing creates so much anxiety for me and my class. It's just too much going on. Google memes about teachers in May. It's real. 

2. I need my teacher friends. It's nice to be able to vent about a problem at school without having to explain all the jargon. It takes away from the story and honestly defeats the purpose. I lose my steam to tell the story when I have to explain so many things in order to make the story make sense. 

3. I love the cute cups I get from students! Some teachers don't like to get mugs and tumblers and other type of cups, but I really do!

4. I love the kids, but I don't like all of them. I'm not talking about just my current class; I mean in general. I am human. Being a teacher does not mean I have to like all the kids. I don't even feel bad about admitting this. Children are people and some people suck. 

5. Sometimes, I am completely shocked by the things that come out of the mouths of parents. 

6. I do not like classroom holiday celebrations. There are 20 people, with no concept of time, anticipating all kinds of fun and goodies all day long. I'm cool on that. "Is it time for the party yet?" x20 for 6 hours before the party. I think they deserve it, so I do it anyway. I also pass off as much holiday stuff on other people as possible. Parents, specials teachers, other teachers in the building. 

7. I do not tie shoes. I do a lot of things that I don't have to do, but shoe tying is not one of them. Parents need to teach their kids to tie their shoes. That's my stance and I'm not changing it. By the time they get to me in kindergarten, I shouldn't be teaching those type of skills, I should be reinforcing them. And yes, I do let my parents know. 

8. My teacher brain does not cut off. As much as I would love it too, it just doesn't. I am Miss Alexander all the time. I checked my Class Dojo and my email in Vegas. I tried not too, but I couldn't help it. 

9. I resist the urge to correct other people's children in public. I'm not talking about 2 year olds that are screaming in the store and telling their parents no...that's what toddlers do. I'm talking about the kindergarten age kids that I see disobeying their parents. 

10. I LOVE my job! I complain a lot, but I love what I do!!

By the way, my kids are done with their testing for the year...THEY DID THAT!!!!! I'm throwing them a party! If anybody wants to volunteer or provide party goodies, LET ME KNOW! 

IG QUESTION:
Who was your favorite teacher and why?

My answer: My favorite teacher was Mr. Dillard. He was our art teacher in middle school. He was a real artist and taught us so many cool things. He was an old man and to be honest, he looked homeless. But he was great to me! The other kids disrespected him, but I used to stay after school to learn more things from him. He taught me how to play "Dots". 

Answer 1: Life because she always made sure I learned what I was supposed to learn even if I wasn’t ready for it 
Me: Such a you answer, but a good one nonetheless. I have found that to be true, myself

Answer 2: You
Me: My heart is all a flutter ♥

Answer 3: My 3rd grade teacher. She was so caring!
Me: That's so sweet! 

Answer 4: 4th grade teacher. He was real laid back
Me: Opposite of my 4th grade teacher "I'm getting tired of this" *dry erase marker hits the ceiling and crashes to the floor*

Thanks for participating! 
No video today :)

A little while ago, Miracle and I had a blog challenge. One of the topics was making a soundtrack for your current life. I'll include a link to that post at the bottom of this one.  Here's my updated soundtrack:

1. Too Deep- Kehlani 
2. Needy- Ariana Grande 
3. Butterflies- Queen Naija 
4. In the Grey- Bridget Kelly
5. Anymore- Ella Mai
6. 24/7- Kehlani 
7. Ring The Alarm- Beyonce
8. Gimme What I Want- Keri Hilson
9. You Want This- Janet Jackson
10. Cover Girl- Brooke Valentine
11. Morning Glory- Kehlani
12. Still Standing- Monica
13. Yet- Kehlani

Bonus Tracks in honor of my Vegas trip tomorrow:

1. Wasted-Plies
2. One of them Nights- City Girls

Basically, I got in too deep with a guy. I got very...needy and comfortable. The situation gave me butterflies ♥. Until I realized I was doing everything all wrong. I realized that I was in the grey  all by myself. I decided I can't do that anymore. I need to meet people where they are instead of trying to put them where I want them. Some days I'm ok, other days I'm questioning how I could get this so wrong. Nobody feels good 24/7. That's not human. Although I've realized my error, I will ring the alarm so fucking loud if this guy moves on before I'm ready! He has to wait for me to be ready. Because I said so. Life would be so much easier if the men I wanted would just gimme what I want. But you know who does want to give me things....all the guys I DON'T WANT!!!! I'm not interested in anything new. Despite all the male attention, sometimes I just don't feel like a cover girl. (I feel good and bad about that lol) I suppose that shouldn't be the expectation. "If you don't want me at my goodnight, then you can't have me at my morning glory". That's for me. I have to be okay with me.
No matter what I've gone through or what I'm currently going through, I'M STILL STANDING!!! And the best part is, I haven't even reached my full potential yet. I still have so far to go! Like Vegas (LOL jk). Soon as I'm done at the salon, I'm getting wasted and it's going to be one of them nights :)

Until next week, 

LATER!!! 
Here's Bae with "Yet" 

Here's the link to my original soundtrack post: https://nicolenaturally.weebly.com/blog/day-1-soundtrack-to-my-life 

Idk how to make it a clickable link...I don't know this tech stuff lol

Heyyy! In case you didn't notice, I skipped a week...oopsy! I had a very bad meeting last Thursday and I was distraught. I cried myself to sleep after it and was a total zombie the next day. No, I'm not in trouble. I stood up for one of my students and it got a little unprofessional. I was going to put this blog out on Saturday, but I didn't like the idea of straying away from Thursdays when there's nothing special going on ,I was just going through a thing.

Dude Update- on Monday, I finally met Darnell. Darnell is this guy that has been waving to me everyday since August LOL. I'm not sure why he decided to start saying something now, but he did. *face palm* Yall know I don't want nothing to do with no man...I'm still trying to get over the last guy. I remember wishing I had boy problems...now I'm wondering why. I was an idiot. I decided I don't want to deal with anymore men and then they started popping up outta nowhere. 
Vegas Update- NEXT FRIDAY, I'M OUT THIS BITCH!!!! It'll be my first solo flight after only flying once previously (technically 4 planes, but only 1 trip). I'm a little nervous, but soooo excited! Still dreading those sub plans, but they are going to be totally worth it. Miss Alexander who? I'm not about to know her.
Teacher of the Year Update- I accepted my nomination and submitted all the required materials. Don't know when I'll hear back. 

OK so let's get into the topic I chose to write about today. I chose roommates because my previous blogs have been so heavy and revealing. I needed a break from my own vulnerability!!! I wanted to go for something a little lighthearted. 

I am not perfect...especially at home. It's my place to be unperfect. I don't think that's a word, but I'm gonna use it today. I'm very protective of my space. My job is stressful and draining. Home is my place to let out what I've been holding in...that kinda sounds like I'm talking about pooping. I mean I guess that too LOL but that's not what I meant. That release manifests in ways that other people might not like. With that being said, here's what makes me a bad roommate:

1. I'm moody.
2. I'm the only one that's allowed to be messy.
3. I like loud music.
4. I don't like wet chores. I've been known to throw temper tantrums over washing the dishes. 
5. I don't like being fully dressed at home
6. I don't like company.
7. I don't want your toxic ass relationship in my home
8. I could go year round with the A/C on
9. Quiet hours are real
10. Teacher shit everywhere

Here is what makes me a good roommate:

1. I cook a lot of good food
2. I watch good tv
3. I share pretty well
4. I'm a good listener
5. I'll mommy you when you're sick
6. I take good pictures. You'll get all the likes on IG
7. I have a set schedule so I leave and come home at the same time everyday (that's a stretch, but I'm running out of good things lol)

​
IG QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:
Question 1: What makes you a bad roommate?

Answer 1: I don't wash the dishes until the sink is full
ME: BROOOOOO! Me and the dishes is a never ending battle. If paper products weren't so bad for the environment, I would have disposable everything. 

Answer 2: I'm a slob and set too many alarms
ME: You're a slob?! That just seems so weird. And I'm with you when it comes to the alarms. I have 4 that go off in 15 minute increments beginning at 5am. 

Answer 3: I clean too much
ME:...umm what? Is that a thing? I mean I guess it would annoy me if I was drinking something and you kept taking my cups. But otherwise...you're gonna have to explain that.

Answer 4: Me lmao
ME: Umm we were roommates before...more than once! Shutup!

Question 2: What is unacceptable from a roommate?

Answer 1: Leaving a dirty bathroom.
ME:...you mean like a dirty toilet/sink/bathtub? Or stuff everywhere? Because I got hair and mouth products all over my sink...

Answer 2: Take my last
ME: OMG YESSSSS! 

Answer 3: Leave blood on the toilet seat and then clean it up off with toilet paper and water
ME: First of all (LMAO!!!!!) I'm so weak!!! That's disgusting! I don't think people understand how important it is to CLEAN that off the toilet. 

Answer 4: Fart in their sleep
Me: Again (LMAO!!!!!) I don't think people can control that, but that is gross

Answer 5: Not be respectful of boundaries
ME: I think that can sum up everything! I especially hate it when we discuss a problem and then they do the same thing again and again. 

It's interesting to hear what things annoy people in a roommate. As always, thanks for participating!!! 

And again, as always, here's super preggo bae :) this video just came out this week! 
​

I have written about my discovery of self love before. This is to address the side of it that I didn't expect. 
I don't know if this idea of self love was always around, but I didn't notice it or the need for it, until 2015. I know that because that's when the summer camp ended and I was starting my first year in kindergarten. I was living alone and there was just so much going on. I worked hard and I achieved self love. I thought that was enough. 

Over the years, I've been completely perplexed about how I could love myself and still think so negatively. 
Some days, it's really a job. I've woken up and questioned who I am. Why can't I just be a nice quiet girl that brings everybody joy? I've questioned my strength. I have bent so far over the last few years and it makes me wonder how I could put myself into situations to have to bend like that? My pool of support is small. And some times I wonder what I did to create that. Was it the person I became?

I've looked at myself in the mirror and hated every part of my appearance. On those days, I hear some words that were uttered to me by a parent-like figure I once had. We were walking somewhere, maybe even to the car. She was behind me and she said: 
"You would have a really nice figure if you just lost some weight."
I never forgot those words, which is weird because honestly I didn't think much of them at the time. But now I hear it every time I'm having an off day with my body. 

Self love has been a journey. And I underestimated how much work I would have to do to make sure I stay on that path. I haven't reached that unbreakable level yet. It seems weak to admit that on some days my confidence is shaken, my ability to love myself is diminished, and sometimes I'm just not feeling myself. 

I have grown comfortable in understanding that the relationship with myself is like any other relationship. It's going to have it's ups and it's downs.

IG RESPONSES:
Question: What was an obstacle you faced on your journey of self-love?

Answer 1: Society.
Me: SAME!!!

Answer 2: Learning that everything doesn't go as planned. Its okay not to be perfect
Me: I wish I had known that sooner!

Answer 3: Feeling guilty about putting myself first
Me: Yes, I had and sometimes still have that struggle, but if we don't take care of ourselves first, we are no good to anybody else!

Answer 4: Feeling like a bad mom for needing some "me time"
Me: KIDS ARE LEECHES!! You have to break away sometimes to recharge yourself! I've enjoyed watching you grow as a mom. Your babies will understand!

Answer 5: Learning to love yourself
Me: It's a task, for sure. But it's so worthwhile

Answer 6: Comparing self to others and societal standards
Me: Comparisons are the worst. We hurt ourselves so badly doing that. 

Thank you guys for your input :) It's nice to know that other people have had similar experiences and are also working to overcome them. 

Here's bae...yes this is a thing now LOL

Heyyyy friends! So I wanted to update you guys on some of the changes I've been wanting to make. 

• I've completed two puzzles
• I've read 2 books and I'm almost finished with a third
• I've had a couple days where my tv hasn't been on at all (this was easier than I expected)
• I'm about to explain another part :)

​
OK so now I have to tell yall about my big girl journey!! It was very stressful, but I feel so proud of myself.
So I'm not sure how many of you knew this already, but FUN FACT: My birth certificate and driver's license have the wrong birthday on them. They made me 3 days older than I actually am. It was never a problem, until I tried to file my taxes this year. In the last 8 years of me filing my taxes, it has never come up. WHY NOW?! I was so annoyed. The tax deadline was quickly approaching and since I'm about to go to Vegas, I didn't want to call off and make more sub plans (those are a whole bitch). So I waited until Spring Break, which was last week. 

I called the Social Security Administration and was on hold for an hour and given very specific instructions on how to fix my problem. I went to the local Social Security Administration office on 2nd street. I waited an hour and a half to be told I was at the wrong place. I was so pissed but remained calm. It wasn’t that lady’s fault, but I was still real angry. 

 I thanked the bearer of bad news and went to the next place. I had to go to the Department of Vital Statistics in the Reibold building. Thankfully, the two buildings were close enough for me to walk. The lady there listened to my story and was amazed. She said she's only heard of this happening 2 or 3 other times. She was very nice and eased my nerves because yall I was really pissed about that hour and a half wait. She got it fixed for me and I finally had a birth certificate with my actual birthday on it!!! I didn't think it would be such a big deal, but it made me so happy! 

But then I still needed a new driver's license and I still needed to pick up somethings from school. This had already been one uber and like a 4 block walk. Yall know I'm broke. I was trying to figure out how best to do all this without spending all this money using uber. I was so close to the bus hub, so I walked there and the bus I needed was coming in 6 minutes. I went and got my bus pass and only waited a few minutes for the bus. I went to work, got what I needed and then ubered to the license bureau. I waited about 20 minutes. The guy there was just as amused as the birth certificate lady was. Usually he only sees name corrections. He called someone at the state level to verify my birth certificate correction and they waived the license fee. I only had to pay $3.50 to be registered with my corrected birth date. I took a new picture, I have a double chin, but it says the right birth date so I don't even care!!! 

​Then I went to McDonalds across the parking lot because I realized I hadn't eaten anything at all. I encountered the rudest manager!! She wasn't rude to me, she was rude to her employees. She came outta nowhere yelling "How many patties goes on a double cheeseburger? Say it with me, 2" Then she was talking to this older lady who was a little bit slow, but she was doing her job! She said "You need to move a little faster! You're killing me! What does soap and water do? They clean the screen" it was a line of customers almost out the door listening to her berate her employees and using their names. She was yelling at some of the cooks that they were doing things wrong. A group order came in and when they got their food, one of the salads had the wrong type of chicken. When the guy came up to get his order corrected, she yelled "Are you guys kidding me?" And sent the salad to be corrected. I just could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. Nobody deserves to spoken to like that and embarrassed at work. 

​I told yall, I hide behind not having a car. I don't do things because in my mind I can't. It seems small, but to me it was huge! I traveled across the city by foot, uber, and bus. I accomplished everything I set out to do, 100% on my own. It was an expensive day, but the reward made it worth it. It was a turning point. It showed me my own determination, independence, and capabilities.

Blog Responses: 
I was surprised by how many people have not been proud of themselves for something that could be perceived as small. If you are one of those people that answered no to my IG Poll, I'd really like to know why not? Is it that you don't think you should be proud of small things? Talk to me!!!

Question: What is a "small" thing that you've done to make yourself proud?
Answer: Quit my job!
My Response: GIIIIIRRRL! When I quit my last job, my life changed. That's not a small thing!!! 

Thank you guys for participating and going on this journey with me! Join the conversation and have your responses featured by following my blog on IG @nicolenaturallyblog :)

​Check out bae!!

I have been waiting sooooo long to post this!!! I wanted to be fair in giving people time to watch it before I just put everything out there. I decided that everyone has had long enough. I'm about to ramble...FYI

There is so much to talk about!! 

Overall, I REALLY enjoyed the show. I found it to be educational and entertaining. I think the best way to do this is to go by characters, so here goes:

​Joe: Joe is incredibly charming, if you don't know he's a murderous stalker. The fact that he decided in the first few minutes that Beck wanted him because she used a card instead of cash let me know that he was a little off in the head before I even knew what was going on. My biggest issues, outside of the murderous stalking, is how he managed to manipulate her so much and that she spent all this time apologizing to him for things. This dude was stalking you, murdering your friends, manipulating you, and failing to perform in the bedroom. The amount of apologizing was just disgusting. The fact that he thought that everything he was doing was for her benefit...that's insane. His character was educational because we could get in his head. How he reads people, his instincts, and his intuition...it's crazy!! I still don't know how he picked up on the thing with the therapist. Wanting a better life for Beck wasn't wrong, but his methods of doing so...super fucked up. He really thought killing people was the best thing to do and even addressed how Beck's life was made better by his murders. And then finding out what Mr. Mooney had been doing to him and exposing things to Paco, he's continuing the cycle of abuse. It's all very disturbing. 

Beck: Beck was so naive. I'm not gonna get over this dude being in her shower, with an obvious shadow on the shower curtain and she completely missed it. I might be a little paranoid, but I check my closets and shower often. You just never know. I've decided that Beck is a bad judge of character. Joe and Peach...Nah girl. You should've picked up on something. They were not wrong to hate each other. Peach was not a good friend. She knew that, but she had some sort of obligation to her for whatever reason. Beck was a mess of a person, which is totally relatable. And the fact that she was caught cheating after all the shit that Joe had done...*facepalm*

Paco: I felt bad for Paco the entire time. His mom ain't shit, Ron really ain't shit, Joe ain't shit, but he was good to that little boy. He seemed to be the only one to care about him. When Paco said he forgot the book was in the ceiling and explained with that meant, I was like OH SHIT!!! It's about to get real!! And sure enough, Beck found that box!! Back to Paco, he witnessed drugs, domestic violence, murder, kidnapping...he's seen so much. It makes me wonder where his story would go had he not moved away at the end.

Ron: Ron was an awful person, but he was right about Joe. He didn't know why Joe was weird, but he knew there was something off about him. When he beat Joe's ass after Peach was attacked, I was like good. He deserved that. 

Karen: I LOVED KAREN!!! She came out of nowhere and showed Joe some new shit...some NORMAL shit. Some shit that didn't involve stalking or anything crazy liked that. When he walked in and broke up with her, I was so amazed by how gracefully she made her exit. I was so happy to see that the black woman could be portrayed in such a way on a predominately white show. And when she went to have her talk with Beck, I'm so glad Beck was accepting and started looking into things...but then again maybe that wasn't the best for her because she ended up dead...Was there really a way for her to win? I'm glad Karen made it out alive though. 

Candace: I WANT TO KNOW WHERE CANDACE WENT AND WHAT SHE KNOWS!!! She did a number on Joe and lived!

The Captain: Real quick blurb about Beck's dad. Who else thought she had a sugar daddy? I did and then when they revealed that it was her dad I was like oh that's less interesting and a little weird because she was about to masturbate until he showed up. Eww.

Beck's friends: Beck's friends suck. Joe had that right. Peach. Gross. Her little distraction party...bitch grow up. I knew Peach wasn't a good friend but for it to be revealed that she was in love with Beck...that was shocking af. I didn't see that coming. THAT FAKE ASS SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!!!! I was so MAD! That is nothing to play with. She manipulated tf outta Beck and Beck fell for it. That weird party at the house in Greenwich. Me and Peach would never speak again...well I guess they didn't speak again because Joe killed her. Oops. Annika and Lynn are just dumb af. Joe so easily got them to believe that Beck was with the therapist to set up his murder plan. Why would they so easily believe someone else over their friend that they've known so long? That wouldn't be me! 

Therapist: Joe's ability to keep up the lie about Paul, Reynaldo and Brad is sick af. That's a true talent. This is a lie you gotta keep up for weeks. Like how did he not slip up on those names? I was amazed. And I really don't know how he picked up on Beck cheating with her therapist. Did I miss something? Was that obvious?

Relating to Joe: So although Joe is a huge creep, there was some stuff I found myself relating to that made me think I was crazy. 

• When he said something like "I hardly look at your page. Only about 3 times a day" I was like damn, been there!
• When he said "How am I supposed to be great with you being gone if you're actually gone" after discovering that he couldn't find any of Beck's social media...RELATABLE!!!
• Ummm that's all I can remember. But relating to a stalker is a little uncomfortbale LOL

So I think I've mentioned the things that I received in my blog comments! I agreed with what you all said. It seems that nobody liked Peach and Paco was included in many of the shocking moments. 

Devin, do you think you'll watch?

If I left anything out or you want to discuss something, let me know! If you want to be a part of the conversation, join in on my IG: @nicolenaturallyblog

Check out bae:

Helllooooooo! Last time we spoke, I was telling yall about how bad my week was going, but actually good things were happening. This week was actually bad. I won't go into detail, but I do have a story for you. 

SURPRISE!!! I started the week off in the hospital with the flu. WTF. Yes it was going around my classroom, but this isn't new. The flu visits my classroom every year, it just skips me. I was shocked yall. And ummm the way they test you for the flu...that shit isn't cool. It was the most uncomfortable 2 seconds of my life!! Having the flu, means calling off work. Calling off work means planning for a sub. Planning for a sub means, knowing things are going to go wrong. Knowing things are going to go wrong means having low expectations. Yall, even with all that, I didn't see this coming. My kids are so innocent it's crazy. I was home, sleeping off a fever I'm sure, and I start getting text messages and Class Dojo messages from parents. The gist of the messages are that the kids don't want to come to school tomorrow because the sub scared them. I'm thinking OMG what did she do to my kids?! Then I find out that all she did was yell at them...*face palm* Poor innocent kiddies. 

So let's get into 27....

I woke up on one of the 9 days that I've been 27 and decided I wanted to start being different. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm not the woman I want to be, how I need to make sacrifices, stand up for my wallet, and treat my body like a temple. I woke up ready to start doing things differently to become who I want to be. This all stems from thinking about what self care really means to me and discovering that it means self preservation. My view of self care became so childish and so dangerous to who I want to be and what I want my life to look like.  

The first big decision I made had everything to do with my alcohol intake. YALL KNOW ME! YALL KNOW I LOVE MY LIQUOR! Alcohol was a huge part of my self care, but is drinking really taking care of me? The way that I was drinking...there's no way that shit was healthy for any part of me. And it costs a lot of money. I thought it was going to be hard. Any time I ever thought about decreasing my alcohol intake, it was like for what? Bitch for you! I'm so dumb sometimes. This is not to say I won't turn up, because I will LOL but don't count on me to come to the bbq and down 7 shots for nothing because no. We're not doing that anymore. 

The second big decision I made was to decrease the amount of tv I watch and to find something else to fill it's place. There is nothing wrong with tv, there are just other things I want to get into. Recently, I bought some puzzles. I got some new books. I've been trying to get into some new music, but I'm really specific about music. I can't just listen to everything. I'm working on that one LOL

The third big decision I made was to decrease how much of my personal time I give to my job. This one is the hardest, as teaching is a job that is never really done. I struggled really badly my first year. I used to go to school on Saturdays to work and work at home on Sundays, plus most week days. I've scaled way back, but I need to scale back some more. My job is one of those things I hide behind...I'm tired of hiding, but more on that later. 

The fourth big decision I made was all about sex. I'm not a ho. Not even close. But in deciding to treat my body like a temple, I've got to be careful about EVERYTHING that goes into my body. Sex doesn't just come with fear of disease or pregnancy, but, in some cases, feelings and situations. I'm just not trying to go there. I don't got time. 

I told 27 that I'm going to be good to it. I intend to keep my word. I hope I continue to surprise myself in these ways. I'm doing things, thinking about things and believing in things that I never would have before. 

Yall will be with me every step of the way, right? RIGHT? 

Check out Bae. She's a goddess! 

I have been pre-writing blogs and scheduling release dates for the last month. This is not the post that was supposed to come out today, but I felt like it needed to be. 

I have been having a hell of a week. I cannot sleep, my days have been a little extra busy, my kids are dropping like flies with some kind of illness (not dying, just not making it through the school day without going home), and all I crave is to return to normal. Snow days, sick days, and long days are throwing us off. Twice this week, I only had 12/20 kids. My routines are off and I can feel it. I can't tell you the last time my hair was done..I'm just a mess. 

I have dreaded going to work everyday this week. It was my birthday on Tuesday and it just seemed like a regular day, for the first time in a while. I never make a big deal about celebrating, but I do always feel special on my birthday. I won't feel this way in April, though!! And I had a great time on National Margarita Day with Tej...PS What Men Want is a great movie!

Despite all this dread, lack of sleep, and screwed up routines, AMAZING things have been happening. 

Let me make you a little list:

• My project got funded!!! I truly appreciate EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR DONATED, EVERY SINGLE LIKE, and EVERY SINGLE SHARE! You all have helped to make a difference in my classroom. (Monday)
• My supervisor bought me dinner! (Tuesday)
• My best friend hosted an event that I attended as a teacher. I think it's the first time our careers have crossed paths! (Tuesday)
• I was formally evaluated and got one of my highest scores! (Tuesday)
• I turned 27! (Tuesday)
• All the materials from my project arrived today!
• And the one that just shocked the hell outta me today: I WAS NOMINATED FOR TEACHER OF THE YEAR IN MY DISTRICT!!!!! The best thing about this is, it was someone who works with me, has a child in my class, or my supervisor...someone who sees what I do. They did not base this off test scores (although mine are pretty good), they based this off what they see me do on a day to day basis. I have become a person who doesn't rely on people to see the good in me to believe that I am good, but it feels really good when someone takes notice. Winning would be great, but I am just so overjoyed that somebody at my school sees me. That's crazy.

I feel so bad for how grumpy and unhappy I've been this week when all these amazing things have taken place. 

Tomorrow is Friday, I'm having dinner with my family, and tonight is another night to attempt sleep! Wish me luck yall :)

*I did not proofread*

Also, if you're not following my blog on IG, you should be!! @nicolenaturallyblog hope to see you there!! ​

​Lately, the only men I attract are the ones who are some kind of unavailable...

• uninterested in a relationship
• married/in a relationship
• emotionally distant
• too many jobs
• long distance
• or a combination of the above

I just want to know why? I must have WASTE MY TIME and BREAK MY HEART stamped somewhere on my body that I can't see because...LORDT!!!! 

I'll admit, it's not all their fault. I ignored signs I should've paid more attention to. This is not to bash anyone, it's to point out my role in my relationships with these unavailable men. I'm trying to be "mature" *eye roll*

To the uninterested man: Sometimes actions speak louder than words, but not always. Sometimes, listening to the right words could spare so much. You said the words "I don't want to be in a relationship" I should've said, "okay, we need to slow down. I'm unable to meet you there" but I didn't. Because I was too busy picking and choosing which words I wanted to pay attention to. The I love yous, the I miss yous, the I want yous...that's what I wanted so that's what I listened to. That's what I chose to believe...I underestimated my ability to realign my expectations. 

To the married/in a relationship men: I'M NOT THE GIRL FOR YALL!!! I just can't go that way. I don't have a role here. As far as I know, I didn't encourage this. I be thinking everything is all innocent and then the kissy faces and "let's get together" starts and I'm like excuse me but did you forget that you're not single? I have been so surprised by the lack of respect these men have for their relationships. Yall be commenting "#relationshipgoals" or "yall so cute" listen let me tell you...they're a whole lie! I'm not saying everyone is lying, I'm just saying some of yall favorite couples are not what they seem. I will never let another couple be goals for me unless I can see the ins and outs.   

To the man that is too busy: This is a case where actions spoke louder than words. You said all the right things. You failed to do what you said you would do. Almost every time. You were selfish and because you offered me some of what I wanted, I accepted it. It was a pattern. I should've paid more attention to what you were doing instead of what you were saying. 

The thing that I find most frustrating about all of this, is that I know better. What you accept once, you'll be faced with again and again. You have to set the tone in the beginning. It just gets so complicated when sex and feelings are involved. 

To anyone who finds themselves with an unavailable person: LEAVE!!! You deserve somebody who can give you what you want...a relationship...sex...dates...whatever it is. If they are not giving it to you...LEAVE!!! There is a such thing as compromise...but when you're dealing with someone who's unavailable, there's no need to compromise. You are already settling for less than what you want. 

Through these experiences, I have learned that I am unavailable. I have never sought out a relationship, sex,, or a date. I may have desired those things at various points, but I've never gone out looking for them. I find myself in situations and kind of just go with it. I am not the woman I want to be. I'm in love with someone and it's complicated. I don't know how to grocery shop. I have things to figure out by myself. I don't need to put my shit on anyone else's shoulders. I'm not about to mess with somebody's head and emotions if I know I can't give them what they need. I was never really on the market, but I'm for sure taking myself off. I don't want any dates, don't ask for my number, don't set me up with your friends, leave me be. I'm not ready. I may fall weak when I'm lonely, but that's no reason to drag somebody into my shit or put myself at risk for yet another unavailable man. Broken people break people and I just want to heal first. 

To all the unavailable people: TAKE YO ASS ON SOMEWHERE!!!! DON'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YO SHIT!!!!

Yall, I was trying to be the next Jordyn Woods but she out here cuttin up!!! I was trying to be Jordyn Jr...I'm so...idek. Just wtf *face palm*

In honor of Valentine's Day, I have compiled a list of 14 confessions surrounding love, relationships, and this day altogether.. 

1. I have only been in love once. 
2. I have never been in a relationship. 
3. Valentine's Day parties at school fill me with so much anxiety...(imagine 20 something kids anticipating a party all day, allergies, 20 something kids passing things out...the candy...so much candy)
4. I have never celebrated Valentine's Day with a guy. 
5. I have gone on very few dates and the best date I ever had was with a girl. (No, I'm not gay) (It's a long story)
6. I have only cuddled with a guy once and it was a friend of mine who showed up to our dorm drunk and wanted to cuddle. The other girl was like uh no, so I said yes. Yall, he sweated all over me all night. 
7. I told my best friend to send me flowers and he didn't. He sucks
8. I think everyone deserves love, but not everyone will get it. 
9. I believe in soulmates. 
10. Although I'm single, I still like the idea of Valentine's Day for couples. 
11. I'm not a fan of the single girls hanging out for Valentine's Day thing. I just imagine a sad chick flick where they all secretly wish they were with a guy instead of their friends. 
12. Sugar daddy jokes are all fun and games until the situation presents itself for real. I'm not cut out for it LOL 
13. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said a man loving me unconditionally didn't sound good. Unfortunately, there are always conditions. (PS, I hate that I'm like this LOL)
14. Some of these confessions are not the most positive, but please understand that I'm in love with my story!

Happy Valentine's Day Lovers ❤