A Year Ago...

On this day last year, I received a call from my uncle. He was crying and he kept pausing as he was trying to tell me about a voicemail from the coroner's office. Ever since my "grandpa" died, my nana had been receiving calls about his death. Now they hadn't been married for YEARS but for whatever reason, they were still calling my nana. The significance of this is that my dad and his dad had the same name. When the coroner called on this particular Sunday, my nana and uncle thought it was another mix up. I don't remember how exactly it clicked that this was no mix up, but once it did, reality set in. 

My uncle was trying his hardest to get me to understand what he was trying to say, but I was not comprehending. It didn't make sense. I wasn't connecting the dots. It was just too unbelievable. I just saw him on New Year's Eve and come the 5th of January he is dead? NOOOO WAAAAY. 


This was my first experience with death. And it was my father. MY FATHER!!!! We had a strained relationship that I was finally ready to work to repair. I came into this world a daddy's girl and I always wanted to get that back but feelings, fear, and stubbornness stood in the way. I had finally started making moves to get my father back. I took his phone call, I visited him, and I would engage in conversations when I ran into him at Wal-Mart. This was my version of trying. Obviously I wasn't trying hard enough. 

Anywho, after receiving the news, I cried my eyes out. Nothing in my life was normal at this point. My best friends were out of town and not exactly available to me the way I wished they could be., I was hanging around people I don't normally hang around with. My thought was just, I'm not supposed to be going through this experience with you guys. I wanted my best friends. And I was living in a world where it wasn't possible to run into my dad at Wal-Mart. It is still difficult to wrap my head around that. 

I continued to cry my eyes out for months afterwards. I was wracked with guilt, shock, and complete and utter disbelief. The one thing that I wish I could've said to my father before he died was that I love him. That's the part I feel most guilty about. He died thinking that his first child did not love him. 

The sad thing is, I didn't learn how much I loved my dad and how much I wanted to repair our relationship until he died. I wanted him at my graduation, I wanted his call on my birthday, but sadly, only because he died. Who knows how long I would've continued to be stubborn had he not died? I get so mad at myself for all the wasted years that I could've had my flawed father in my life but I decided to let those flaws but space between us. My dad was not innocent by any means but if I would've known he was going to die, I would've taken advantage of the time. 

I thought I was punishing him, but I was definitely punishing myself.  DO NOT LET STUPIDITY DISTANCE YOU FROM WHAT YOU WANT.


There was a song that helped me find peace. I wasn't looking for such a thing but I let my Hunger Games DVD play through the credits and I heard Taylor Swift sing these words...


"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound"