 So this has been a craaaazy week! I won't go into detail, but just know I had some long days and some late nights. Buuuut in super good other news....I came home on Tuesday and found two packages outside my door. I was like I'm broke, so I know I didn't order anything. Then I thought, well my birthday is coming up so maybe someone sent me a gift. I opened the smaller of the two, and found a toothbrush with "As I Am" on it. That's the brand of hair products I use. I had recently inquired about a product I had been using for a while that was giving me problems now. I was ordering it from a different site, which may have been the problem. I just wondered if the formula had changed. The lady I spoke with apologized and asked for my address. I thought she was going to just send a replacement. Yall, when I opened the bigger box, it was their whole line of oils, a denman brush, a comb, a bag and a towel, on top of a replacement of the product I had an issue with. Look at all this stuff...FOR ASKING A QUESTION!!!! It was a great surprise during a week where I was begging for Friday after a half day on Monday... So I want to talk about being uncomfortable and making real sacrifices. I learn lessons all the time. It takes me time to realize just how many levels there are to those lessons. Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend and we were reflecting on our life a little bit. One thing that came up, was this idea of sacrifice. I don't think I knew what it meant to truly make sacrifices to set myself up for a better life.  THAT'S ME!!! I don't have a car, but I be getting my nails done and ordering lunch at work like I can really afford that shit. I'm so comfortably uncomfortable. I'm not happy with some aspects of my life and I'm extremely inconvenienced at times (the uncomfortable) but I allow myself certain luxuries because the money for it is in my account and my bills are paid (the comfortable). I have realized that I can't support others as much as I used to, I have placed more value on making sure I love me more than anybody else can, I have grown to understand the power of routines, I have done so many things that don't have visible results. Well...I smile more than I used to! Anyway, these things aren't manifesting enough change in my life. They are great things and I am proud of myself for making those changes and coming to those realizations, but in the grand scheme of things, those were easier things to do. It wasn't as uncomfortable as the things I need to do to get the results I'm really looking for. I HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN!!! I HAVE TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE!!! I HAVE TO DO THINGS I'VE NEVER DONE!!! I HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES!!! And I'm going to start making those sacrifices...after I come back from Vegas!!!!! See yall next week!  LOL but seriously, I can't expect things to change for me if I'm doing what's "comfortable".
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Lately, the only men I attract are the ones who are some kind of unavailable...
I'll admit, it's not all their fault. I ignored signs I should've paid more attention to. This is not to bash anyone, it's to point out my role in my relationships with these unavailable men. I'm trying to be "mature" *eye roll* To the uninterested man: Sometimes actions speak louder than words, but not always. Sometimes, listening to the right words could spare so much. You said the words "I don't want to be in a relationship" I should've said, "okay, we need to slow down. I'm unable to meet you there" but I didn't. Because I was too busy picking and choosing which words I wanted to pay attention to. The I love yous, the I miss yous, the I want yous...that's what I wanted so that's what I listened to. That's what I chose to believe...I underestimated my ability to realign my expectations. To the married/in a relationship men: I'M NOT THE GIRL FOR YALL!!! I just can't go that way. I don't have a role here. As far as I know, I didn't encourage this. I be thinking everything is all innocent and then the kissy faces and "let's get together" starts and I'm like excuse me but did you forget that you're not single? I have been so surprised by the lack of respect these men have for their relationships. Yall be commenting "#relationshipgoals" or "yall so cute" listen let me tell you...they're a whole lie! I'm not saying everyone is lying, I'm just saying some of yall favorite couples are not what they seem. I will never let another couple be goals for me unless I can see the ins and outs. To the man that is too busy: This is a case where actions spoke louder than words. You said all the right things. You failed to do what you said you would do. Almost every time. You were selfish and because you offered me some of what I wanted, I accepted it. It was a pattern. I should've paid more attention to what you were doing instead of what you were saying. The thing that I find most frustrating about all of this, is that I know better. What you accept once, you'll be faced with again and again. You have to set the tone in the beginning. It just gets so complicated when sex and feelings are involved. To anyone who finds themselves with an unavailable person: LEAVE!!! You deserve somebody who can give you what you want...a relationship...sex...dates...whatever it is. If they are not giving it to you...LEAVE!!! There is a such thing as compromise...but when you're dealing with someone who's unavailable, there's no need to compromise. You are already settling for less than what you want. Through these experiences, I have learned that I am unavailable. I have never sought out a relationship, sex,, or a date. I may have desired those things at various points, but I've never gone out looking for them. I find myself in situations and kind of just go with it. I am not the woman I want to be. I'm in love with someone and it's complicated. I don't know how to grocery shop. I have things to figure out by myself. I don't need to put my shit on anyone else's shoulders. I'm not about to mess with somebody's head and emotions if I know I can't give them what they need. I was never really on the market, but I'm for sure taking myself off. I don't want any dates, don't ask for my number, don't set me up with your friends, leave me be. I'm not ready. I may fall weak when I'm lonely, but that's no reason to drag somebody into my shit or put myself at risk for yet another unavailable man. Broken people break people and I just want to heal first. To all the unavailable people: TAKE YO ASS ON SOMEWHERE!!!! DON'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YO SHIT!!!! Yall, I was trying to be the next Jordyn Woods but she out here cuttin up!!! I was trying to be Jordyn Jr...I'm so...idek. Just wtf *face palm* Hello, I'm back again!! Sitting on my bed, sipping my wine, eating my cookies, and catching up on the new season of RHOA! Yall know that's my show!
Today, I want to address something I'm not sure how to label. It's centered around this feeling of inadequacy I feel because I don't aspire to work for myself and I'm unsure of what my long term goals are. I see memes all the time about watching who you're around, surround yourself with like-minded people and shit like that and it makes me feel insecure. I don't want to be in that category of people who don't have ambitions or goals. I'm doing something that means a lot to me, I just don't know where to take it from here. Not yet. I'm a little intimidated right now. Everyone around me is doing big things! They have businesses, are in school, or are very confident in what they are doing with their life. When I was in high school, I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I'm doing that and I feel very fulfilled in the work that I do. I'm great at my job!! I don't have that "let me open my own school" mentality. I just don't. I have my dream job, but I know I won't retire from it. It has to leave people to wonder "well, what's next?" GOOD QUESTION! One major life lesson I've learned is that some of the things I thought I wanted, I could actually live without. I'm on an eternal journey of self discovery and that might be problematic for some people. I'm trying to make it less problematic for me. I don't know what I want long term (except a daughter, but I change my mind on that every other week)! I know more of what I don't want. I know what I want small term and a couple months ahead is enough for me to think about right now. I help out, though!! I am a sounding board for those around me, I watch the kids, I share the posts, I support those who are trying to do big things, I just don't know what those things are for me. Please understand that this doesn't mean I'm content with where I am. I desire to live better!! I had been feeling this for a while, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what the feeling was... With all that being said, I'm happy for every one of my friends and associates that are out here making moves! I will continue to support in any ways that I can! I am truly excited for all yall...Let me do some shout outs right quick... 1. Social Media Consulting Group- [email protected] Te'Jal Cartwright :) 2. The Cake Podcast available on anchor and apple :) follow them on ig @thecakepodcast to get updates on new episodes! 3. My good friend, Kiera is in PA school- send her prayers and positive thoughts...shit's stressful!! 4. My good friend, Miracle, just moved all the way to Vegas!! No move is easy- send her prayers and positive thoughts, as well :) Here it is, the 20th day of the new year. I'm sitting on my bed, watching RHOA with an empty water bottle next to me. It was full, but I guess I drank it all :(
I'm in the middle of my January Journal Prompts that I posted on snapchat. The prompt that I'm working on is "write an encouraging letter to the parts of yourself that might be hurt or disappointed this past week". Dear Ashley, All of 2018 you spoke highly about choosing things that are for you and getting rid of things that aren't for you. This week, you had a particularly difficult time accepting that someone decided that you weren't for them. It works both ways, girl. People are allowed to decide they don't want you to be a part of their life. Nobody owes you explanations and you can't waste your time trying to figure out what you did wrong or why someone has decided that. Coincidentally, while you were struggling with how to cope without closure, you heard this amazing interview about a young woman who went through some unfathomable things. She had questions and got very few answers. She didn't allow herself to get stuck on that. People go through all types of stuff and don't sit around waiting for closure. You just have to move on, do well, and wish well for the other people involved. I don't expect you to do this overnight, but girl you will be fine! Healing is happening. Love, Ashley Willing to take advice on this :) Also, to listen to the amazing interview I mentioned, follow Te'Jal on ig @tejaljarrae the link is in her bio :) |