Journey to Sexy

 Sexy has a definition in a dictionary somewhere, but it can be defined however you want. I decided that sexy means sexually attractive for physical and non physical reasons; having high sex appeal; associated with confidence, self acceptance, and self love.

I've always thought I was cute in an adorable sort of way. Like aww look at her little nose, her chubby cheeks, and that cute gap LOL. As I've mentioned before, I was never picked on or bullied for my weight or skin complexion. I created my own insecurities based on society and how every guy I liked always liked my skinny, lighter complected friends instead of me. So yeah I had darker skin and some extra meat on my bones. It made middle school the best and worst times of my life. AND ALL BECAUSE OF ME! With that being said, I still managed to have all these different "boyfriends" when I was in 7th grade. The things I didn't like about myself, didn't bother any of them or the many others that didn't get a chance.

Despite being wanted, I never thought I was desirable or sexy. I internalized my rejection of the guys I wanted as something being wrong with me. The guys who didn’t want me, validated my ill feelings about myself. It didn’t work the opposite way, though. The guys who did want me did nothing for me. I was fat with only okay boobs and no ass. I started hating my body. Now it turned out that the guys I had crushes on were horrible boyfriends, so I suppose I was saved. But I didn't realize that til much later. While the rejection was occurring, I just kept seeing everything that was wrong with me. It didn't help that my personality took some time to develop, because it was masked by my insecurities. I never wanted to be noticed because I didn't want to draw extra attention to myself. My close friends knew what I was about, but I even kept parts of myself away from them too.

It got so bad that I covered myself up with these hideous jackets. I never tried to be sexy or appealing because I thought I would fail. It was easier to stay in my lane, covered up by hideous jackets, decreasing my chances of being noticed.

Tej hated that winnie the pooh jacket 😂 I didn't take a lot of pictures back in the day, but I did find two of the jackets I wore the most in high school and in college. COLLEGE yall...🤦🏾‍♀️

This is so embarrassing to admit, but as I got older, being sexy was a goal I thought only boys could help me achieve. Each guy that hit on me or slid in my dms was evidence of this sexiness. I was so wrong!!!! You know how people say all those things like "you have to believe in yourself" or "you have to be confident in yourself", or any other mantra that begins with "you"? I didn't connect that to being sexy, because in my childish mind, sexiness was only about someone else's attraction to you and sex, which you need other people for (debatable, I know). But again, I was wrong!!! You have to see it in yourself first. You have to see your own sex appeal to believe that it's there. At least that's how it was for me. 

I still have only okay boobs and I'm still fat. Now the ass thing, I need to get one of those LOL. What I'm saying is, my body hasn't changed in the ways that others may have wanted it to, but my own attitude and feelings about it has. I thought that it was an all or nothing type of thing. If my body wasn't perfect or if I wanted some things to be different, I couldn't love it. That's so far from true. I think about the people I love and how they get on my nerves sometimes...It doesn't change the love. Love comes with acceptance. Once I began to accept my body as less than perfect, but still good, I began to love it.

When I turned 23, something awoke in me. Instead of viewing my body as less than perfect, I viewed it as perfect for me. But if anybody starts passing out ass, I'll take some. I had embraced my natural hair and started becoming more of the me you all know today. The body positive movement on social media began and there were fat bodies everywhere. I saw myself in them too, which only made me appreciate the way I was designed even more. My cute face was attached to a body I loved, which created the sexy part of my personality. 

I know I said that boys had no effect on how I feel about myself, but there is this one guy who validates my feelings about my body and even encourages me to be sexy out loud. He likes my body even on the days that I don't. That happens sometimes...I'm human. I had already reached the point of feeling sexy on my own when he came along, but he kind of pushed it into overdrive lol 

So I'm feeling like the sexiest version of myself, comfortable in my skin, sex appeal on 70 without even trying- all the way on 100 with some effort, just to be knocked all the way back down.

I had finally decided it was time to be more health conscious. I started asking around about PCPs and I found one. I had the first appointment on August 23, 2019 and she did some blood work. She gets the results and goes whoa you're definitely diabetic. I cried for about 2 hours. I'm not even joking. I was crying the whole time she was explaining what that meant and what I needed to do moving forward. Understand this, I DID NOT GET DIABETES BECAUSE I AM FAT! I got diabetes because it runs in my family, I didn't know that, I didn't go to the doctor, and on top of that, I am fat. We'll talk about this more in the future. Back to sexy...

So after that diagnosis, I was down and out for a little while. I can only imagine that a medical condition would make anyone feel a little unattractive...maybe? I had to build myself back up again. I spent a lot of time in the mirror. Looking at the bruises from needle pokes because I'm a teacher not a medical professional LOL I was bruising myself trying to get it right. Looking at my big belly and thighs....I was mad at myself and I blamed my body just like all those internet idiots do. I had to start from the basics and go back to acceptance. I think the initial shock of the diagnosis stunned me for a bit and I was frozen. A plan of action was put into place and it was easier to accept myself, and even make my way back up to sexy in my own eyes.

It may seem vain, but my opinion of the way that I look has affected so much of my life. I internalized so many things the wrong way. Now, if someone isn’t interested in me, it’s not because there’s something wrong with me. There might be something wrong with him or I’m just not his type. That’s allowed. My sexiness doesn’t have much to do with anyone outside of myself. I created it, nurtured it, and watched it bloom. If it weren’t for my career, yall would see so much more of me LOL but I’ll be damned if a parent or even a student came up to me with a picture of my ass 😂

 I worked hard to feel the way that I do now and I'm proud of it. 

When I get out of the shower and moisturize my skin, you can't tell me, my soft skin, or my sloppy bun NOTHIN!!! That is when I feel the sexiest, it's when I'm the happiest, and it's what I go to when I'm feeling low. Don't let my apartment be clean and my candles be lit....Can you say BLISS?! 

The journey to sexy is personal. Mine took a looooong time and endured a few detours, but I made it. My opinion of my body stopped me from feeling sexy sooner. Now I believe it to be a facet of my personality brought out when the time is right or very rarely on twitter and snapchat 😇


Oh PS know your family history and go to the doctor. Some of the shit out there is 100% preventable. 

PPS to the jackass who decided that effect and affect should have such similar meanings and spellings...kiss my sexy ass you douche. 


This song speaks to my sexy soul...