I have been pre-writing blogs and scheduling release dates for the last month. This is not the post that was supposed to come out today, but I felt like it needed to be. 

I have been having a hell of a week. I cannot sleep, my days have been a little extra busy, my kids are dropping like flies with some kind of illness (not dying, just not making it through the school day without going home), and all I crave is to return to normal. Snow days, sick days, and long days are throwing us off. Twice this week, I only had 12/20 kids. My routines are off and I can feel it. I can't tell you the last time my hair was done..I'm just a mess. 

I have dreaded going to work everyday this week. It was my birthday on Tuesday and it just seemed like a regular day, for the first time in a while. I never make a big deal about celebrating, but I do always feel special on my birthday. I won't feel this way in April, though!! And I had a great time on National Margarita Day with Tej...PS What Men Want is a great movie!

Despite all this dread, lack of sleep, and screwed up routines, AMAZING things have been happening. 

Let me make you a little list:

• My project got funded!!! I truly appreciate EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR DONATED, EVERY SINGLE LIKE, and EVERY SINGLE SHARE! You all have helped to make a difference in my classroom. (Monday)
• My supervisor bought me dinner! (Tuesday)
• My best friend hosted an event that I attended as a teacher. I think it's the first time our careers have crossed paths! (Tuesday)
• I was formally evaluated and got one of my highest scores! (Tuesday)
• I turned 27! (Tuesday)
• All the materials from my project arrived today!
• And the one that just shocked the hell outta me today: I WAS NOMINATED FOR TEACHER OF THE YEAR IN MY DISTRICT!!!!! The best thing about this is, it was someone who works with me, has a child in my class, or my supervisor...someone who sees what I do. They did not base this off test scores (although mine are pretty good), they based this off what they see me do on a day to day basis. I have become a person who doesn't rely on people to see the good in me to believe that I am good, but it feels really good when someone takes notice. Winning would be great, but I am just so overjoyed that somebody at my school sees me. That's crazy.

I feel so bad for how grumpy and unhappy I've been this week when all these amazing things have taken place. 

Tomorrow is Friday, I'm having dinner with my family, and tonight is another night to attempt sleep! Wish me luck yall :)

*I did not proofread*

Also, if you're not following my blog on IG, you should be!! @nicolenaturallyblog hope to see you there!! ​

​Lately, the only men I attract are the ones who are some kind of unavailable...

• uninterested in a relationship
• married/in a relationship
• emotionally distant
• too many jobs
• long distance
• or a combination of the above

I just want to know why? I must have WASTE MY TIME and BREAK MY HEART stamped somewhere on my body that I can't see because...LORDT!!!! 

I'll admit, it's not all their fault. I ignored signs I should've paid more attention to. This is not to bash anyone, it's to point out my role in my relationships with these unavailable men. I'm trying to be "mature" *eye roll*

To the uninterested man: Sometimes actions speak louder than words, but not always. Sometimes, listening to the right words could spare so much. You said the words "I don't want to be in a relationship" I should've said, "okay, we need to slow down. I'm unable to meet you there" but I didn't. Because I was too busy picking and choosing which words I wanted to pay attention to. The I love yous, the I miss yous, the I want yous...that's what I wanted so that's what I listened to. That's what I chose to believe...I underestimated my ability to realign my expectations. 

To the married/in a relationship men: I'M NOT THE GIRL FOR YALL!!! I just can't go that way. I don't have a role here. As far as I know, I didn't encourage this. I be thinking everything is all innocent and then the kissy faces and "let's get together" starts and I'm like excuse me but did you forget that you're not single? I have been so surprised by the lack of respect these men have for their relationships. Yall be commenting "#relationshipgoals" or "yall so cute" listen let me tell you...they're a whole lie! I'm not saying everyone is lying, I'm just saying some of yall favorite couples are not what they seem. I will never let another couple be goals for me unless I can see the ins and outs.   

To the man that is too busy: This is a case where actions spoke louder than words. You said all the right things. You failed to do what you said you would do. Almost every time. You were selfish and because you offered me some of what I wanted, I accepted it. It was a pattern. I should've paid more attention to what you were doing instead of what you were saying. 

The thing that I find most frustrating about all of this, is that I know better. What you accept once, you'll be faced with again and again. You have to set the tone in the beginning. It just gets so complicated when sex and feelings are involved. 

To anyone who finds themselves with an unavailable person: LEAVE!!! You deserve somebody who can give you what you want...a relationship...sex...dates...whatever it is. If they are not giving it to you...LEAVE!!! There is a such thing as compromise...but when you're dealing with someone who's unavailable, there's no need to compromise. You are already settling for less than what you want. 

Through these experiences, I have learned that I am unavailable. I have never sought out a relationship, sex,, or a date. I may have desired those things at various points, but I've never gone out looking for them. I find myself in situations and kind of just go with it. I am not the woman I want to be. I'm in love with someone and it's complicated. I don't know how to grocery shop. I have things to figure out by myself. I don't need to put my shit on anyone else's shoulders. I'm not about to mess with somebody's head and emotions if I know I can't give them what they need. I was never really on the market, but I'm for sure taking myself off. I don't want any dates, don't ask for my number, don't set me up with your friends, leave me be. I'm not ready. I may fall weak when I'm lonely, but that's no reason to drag somebody into my shit or put myself at risk for yet another unavailable man. Broken people break people and I just want to heal first. 

To all the unavailable people: TAKE YO ASS ON SOMEWHERE!!!! DON'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YO SHIT!!!!

Yall, I was trying to be the next Jordyn Woods but she out here cuttin up!!! I was trying to be Jordyn Jr...I'm so...idek. Just wtf *face palm*

In honor of Valentine's Day, I have compiled a list of 14 confessions surrounding love, relationships, and this day altogether.. 

1. I have only been in love once. 
2. I have never been in a relationship. 
3. Valentine's Day parties at school fill me with so much anxiety...(imagine 20 something kids anticipating a party all day, allergies, 20 something kids passing things out...the candy...so much candy)
4. I have never celebrated Valentine's Day with a guy. 
5. I have gone on very few dates and the best date I ever had was with a girl. (No, I'm not gay) (It's a long story)
6. I have only cuddled with a guy once and it was a friend of mine who showed up to our dorm drunk and wanted to cuddle. The other girl was like uh no, so I said yes. Yall, he sweated all over me all night. 
7. I told my best friend to send me flowers and he didn't. He sucks
8. I think everyone deserves love, but not everyone will get it. 
9. I believe in soulmates. 
10. Although I'm single, I still like the idea of Valentine's Day for couples. 
11. I'm not a fan of the single girls hanging out for Valentine's Day thing. I just imagine a sad chick flick where they all secretly wish they were with a guy instead of their friends. 
12. Sugar daddy jokes are all fun and games until the situation presents itself for real. I'm not cut out for it LOL 
13. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said a man loving me unconditionally didn't sound good. Unfortunately, there are always conditions. (PS, I hate that I'm like this LOL)
14. Some of these confessions are not the most positive, but please understand that I'm in love with my story!

Happy Valentine's Day Lovers ❤

So a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about making sacrifices and how I've grown in ways that aren't easily seen by others. I kind of wanted to readdress that because there are some things I need to explain. 

There are some things in my life that I use as an excuse to avoid branching out in my life. 

The first of those things is the fact that I'm a teacher. In college, we were told your personal life could cost you your job. The way that you are perceived makes a huge difference. I took that to heart. I was afraid to go out and I was afraid to post certain things on social media. In my mind, everything could be found. I used my job as a reason to stay lowkey. 
The other way I use teaching to hide, is by acting as if my job is all I live for. Constantly thinking of things I have to do and trying to find time to do them. I lived for school. And I didn't mind it, at first. Not until I realized I was hiding behind it. Last year, I really started desiring new experiences. I didn't actually do much, but I did realize that if I'm not constantly working, my job can still be done. I'm good at my job and don't need to spend so much time preparing to do it. 

The second thing I hide behind, is the fact that I don't have many friends here. I have my best friend here and that's about it. Everyone else that I would do things with, live hours away. In my mind, no friends=no plans. I'm beginning to understand that I like myself enough to spend time doing things with me. I'm not a super shy person, I think I can handle going places on my own. 

The last thing I hide behind is the fact that I don't have a car. I use that as an excuse for EVERYTHING! Events pop up that I'm interested in and I see where it is and decide right away that I can't go. It would be too much of a hassle to get from A-B and back again. I've accepted friends who don't hold up their end of the deal because of my own limitations, I have not supported people that I've wanted to, I've not explored new friendships that I'm interested in, I've not shown people who matter to me just how much they do all because of this car thing. 

I've grown frustrated with all this hiding. I'm more focused on trying to live despite these things. It won't be this way forever, but in the meantime, I can't be a kermit! I don't have many things noticeably different in my life, but I have grown into a different person. My circumstances make things a little difficult, but not impossible. 

Check out bae, again! (Not a video, just audio)
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