This blog post is dedicated to my changing relationships with the people in my life. 
I'm struggling, yall. 
Let's start by copying and pasting from the google dictionary...

mutuality: the sharing of a feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties

With that being said, I've had a few experiences this year that have shown me that the mutuality in my relationships is starting to run a little thin. I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. I know we've been here before, but we're back again because there are levels to everything. 

I've struggled with friendship most of my life (middle school and high school), mostly because I think logically when it comes to stuff like that. I didn't inconvenience myself for a problem that somebody else had. For example: You get caught cheating off me during a test...the options are...I get the F with you or you get the F by yourself... you're going to get your F alone. *insert shrug emoji* That was me up until about 4 years ago lol. How awful...you go down with your bitch. That's friendship! I feel like I just got it right and now all my friends are like deuces hoe, we got a real life now and I'm like whaaaaaat but I just got the hang of this shit. 

I defined mutuality because I wanted what I was referencing to be clear. We still love each other and we'll still be there for each other, but with the changing priorities, that means something different to each of us now. 

That means they gotta run it through other people or make sure other people are okay before they can check on me. Where as I don't have to go through anybody to check on them. If I want to lend people money or let people spend the night, I can just do that. I don't have anybody to run it by. (Not at all saying that my friends are being controlled by people, PRIORITY is at play here)

That's fine and dandy, we're 23, 24, 25, and that's what happens. You graduate from your parents to your friends and you graduate from your friends to the family that you're building. Natural progression. Makes perfect sense to me. Except for if you're not there yet. What if you're the friend that graduated from her parents to her friends while your friends graduated to their family? What are you supposed to do in the mean time? I try to fit myself around their new life, but yall I've never been good at that....No seriously, it's like I have no concept of myself. I be looking at a space like yeah I can fit, and then I go for it and I'm sucking it in as much as can and then I have to give up like naw bitch you can't fit. It's like that in my relationships, too. I'm trying to squeeze myself into a space where I don't fit. 

I've always been a person that was always all about my friends and now that my friends are all about their families, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to be all about me, but that's a slow process. I get paid once a month, there's only so much me work I can do with that. 

It leaves me feeling a little empty sometimes. Yes, I have my 25 babies that I absolutely adore with my whole heart and soul, buuuuuuut work can't be my whole life. 
​
What do I do? How do I not go crazy? Am I doing this wrong? Help me yall.

**SOS please someone help me, it's not healthy, for me to feel this way**

*who knows where those words came from???

There are some things in my life that I have known to be apart of me for as long as I can remember...

1. My favorite color is purple.
2. I love kids.
3. I want to be in love with someone who's in love with me.
4. I want to have lots of babies.

I shocked the hell out of myself by coming to the realization that only one of those things is true now. I didn't have this huge epiphanous moment. In the moments that I acknowledged that I felt differently about those things, I didn't even notice. 

I was in my classroom talking with my students about color words and they were asking me about my favorite color. When I was a kid, I collected purple things and kept it in this purple bag made of capri sun pouches. I'm talking broken purple combs, old purple tooth brushes and tooth brush covers, purple chapstick, all types of shit. Two of my students were in my class last year and they said she likes purple and I said yeah but it's not my favorite color. My favorite color is a type of green that doesn't have one word, it has two. Mint Green. And of course they all repeated it lol. I said it and thought nothing of it. 

I was having a conversation with my coworkers last week and we were discussing kids, parenting and things like that. They were telling my time was coming and I said no it isn't, I'm not sure I'm having kids. I've always told people that I wanted 5 kids. 1 and 2 close together. 3 and 4 close together. And poor 5 would come when 1 and 2 got to high school. Again, I said it and thought nothing of it. 

I've never been in a relationship. So like most people with no experience, I've been on the outside of other people's relationships, watching movies, and romanticizing situations that I shouldn't be romanticizing. Always thought I wanted to have this wonderful romance with someone. Lately, I've been saying I don't want to date and honestly I thought I was saying it to get people off my back about it. Somewhere along the line it became true and I didn't even notice. 
(I'm trying to change this one. We'll see (insert shrug emoji here))

I know we grow and change, it's just so strange that things that have been apart of who I am for so long just up and changed while I wasn't paying attention. Now I'm not saying that I'll never go back to how I originally felt. It's just that I felt these things so strongly and I don't feel it anymore. I couldn't fathom the idea of not having kids. I had a whole life plan written and when I was 19 in college, I became depressed because I realized I was not on the track to have my first kid by 21 (I would've needed to be with the dad by the time I was 19 lol). 

My point, once again, is that its weird af how shit just changes.