Changing Desires

There are some things in my life that I have known to be apart of me for as long as I can remember...

1. My favorite color is purple.
2. I love kids.
3. I want to be in love with someone who's in love with me.
4. I want to have lots of babies.

I shocked the hell out of myself by coming to the realization that only one of those things is true now. I didn't have this huge epiphanous moment. In the moments that I acknowledged that I felt differently about those things, I didn't even notice. 

I was in my classroom talking with my students about color words and they were asking me about my favorite color. When I was a kid, I collected purple things and kept it in this purple bag made of capri sun pouches. I'm talking broken purple combs, old purple tooth brushes and tooth brush covers, purple chapstick, all types of shit. Two of my students were in my class last year and they said she likes purple and I said yeah but it's not my favorite color. My favorite color is a type of green that doesn't have one word, it has two. Mint Green. And of course they all repeated it lol. I said it and thought nothing of it. 

I was having a conversation with my coworkers last week and we were discussing kids, parenting and things like that. They were telling my time was coming and I said no it isn't, I'm not sure I'm having kids. I've always told people that I wanted 5 kids. 1 and 2 close together. 3 and 4 close together. And poor 5 would come when 1 and 2 got to high school. Again, I said it and thought nothing of it. 

I've never been in a relationship. So like most people with no experience, I've been on the outside of other people's relationships, watching movies, and romanticizing situations that I shouldn't be romanticizing. Always thought I wanted to have this wonderful romance with someone. Lately, I've been saying I don't want to date and honestly I thought I was saying it to get people off my back about it. Somewhere along the line it became true and I didn't even notice. 
(I'm trying to change this one. We'll see (insert shrug emoji here))

I know we grow and change, it's just so strange that things that have been apart of who I am for so long just up and changed while I wasn't paying attention. Now I'm not saying that I'll never go back to how I originally felt. It's just that I felt these things so strongly and I don't feel it anymore. I couldn't fathom the idea of not having kids. I had a whole life plan written and when I was 19 in college, I became depressed because I realized I was not on the track to have my first kid by 21 (I would've needed to be with the dad by the time I was 19 lol). 

My point, once again, is that its weird af how shit just changes.