I Love Me, I Love Me Not

I have written about my discovery of self love before. This is to address the side of it that I didn't expect. 
I don't know if this idea of self love was always around, but I didn't notice it or the need for it, until 2015. I know that because that's when the summer camp ended and I was starting my first year in kindergarten. I was living alone and there was just so much going on. I worked hard and I achieved self love. I thought that was enough. 

Over the years, I've been completely perplexed about how I could love myself and still think so negatively. 
Some days, it's really a job. I've woken up and questioned who I am. Why can't I just be a nice quiet girl that brings everybody joy? I've questioned my strength. I have bent so far over the last few years and it makes me wonder how I could put myself into situations to have to bend like that? My pool of support is small. And some times I wonder what I did to create that. Was it the person I became?

I've looked at myself in the mirror and hated every part of my appearance. On those days, I hear some words that were uttered to me by a parent-like figure I once had. We were walking somewhere, maybe even to the car. She was behind me and she said: 
"You would have a really nice figure if you just lost some weight."
I never forgot those words, which is weird because honestly I didn't think much of them at the time. But now I hear it every time I'm having an off day with my body. 

Self love has been a journey. And I underestimated how much work I would have to do to make sure I stay on that path. I haven't reached that unbreakable level yet. It seems weak to admit that on some days my confidence is shaken, my ability to love myself is diminished, and sometimes I'm just not feeling myself. 

I have grown comfortable in understanding that the relationship with myself is like any other relationship. It's going to have it's ups and it's downs.

IG RESPONSES:
Question: What was an obstacle you faced on your journey of self-love?

Answer 1: Society.
Me: SAME!!!

Answer 2: Learning that everything doesn't go as planned. Its okay not to be perfect
Me: I wish I had known that sooner!

Answer 3: Feeling guilty about putting myself first
Me: Yes, I had and sometimes still have that struggle, but if we don't take care of ourselves first, we are no good to anybody else!

Answer 4: Feeling like a bad mom for needing some "me time"
Me: KIDS ARE LEECHES!! You have to break away sometimes to recharge yourself! I've enjoyed watching you grow as a mom. Your babies will understand!

Answer 5: Learning to love yourself
Me: It's a task, for sure. But it's so worthwhile

Answer 6: Comparing self to others and societal standards
Me: Comparisons are the worst. We hurt ourselves so badly doing that. 

Thank you guys for your input :) It's nice to know that other people have had similar experiences and are also working to overcome them. 

Here's bae...yes this is a thing now LOL