So a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about making sacrifices and how I've grown in ways that aren't easily seen by others. I kind of wanted to readdress that because there are some things I need to explain. 

There are some things in my life that I use as an excuse to avoid branching out in my life. 

The first of those things is the fact that I'm a teacher. In college, we were told your personal life could cost you your job. The way that you are perceived makes a huge difference. I took that to heart. I was afraid to go out and I was afraid to post certain things on social media. In my mind, everything could be found. I used my job as a reason to stay lowkey. 
The other way I use teaching to hide, is by acting as if my job is all I live for. Constantly thinking of things I have to do and trying to find time to do them. I lived for school. And I didn't mind it, at first. Not until I realized I was hiding behind it. Last year, I really started desiring new experiences. I didn't actually do much, but I did realize that if I'm not constantly working, my job can still be done. I'm good at my job and don't need to spend so much time preparing to do it. 

The second thing I hide behind, is the fact that I don't have many friends here. I have my best friend here and that's about it. Everyone else that I would do things with, live hours away. In my mind, no friends=no plans. I'm beginning to understand that I like myself enough to spend time doing things with me. I'm not a super shy person, I think I can handle going places on my own. 

The last thing I hide behind is the fact that I don't have a car. I use that as an excuse for EVERYTHING! Events pop up that I'm interested in and I see where it is and decide right away that I can't go. It would be too much of a hassle to get from A-B and back again. I've accepted friends who don't hold up their end of the deal because of my own limitations, I have not supported people that I've wanted to, I've not explored new friendships that I'm interested in, I've not shown people who matter to me just how much they do all because of this car thing. 

I've grown frustrated with all this hiding. I'm more focused on trying to live despite these things. It won't be this way forever, but in the meantime, I can't be a kermit! I don't have many things noticeably different in my life, but I have grown into a different person. My circumstances make things a little difficult, but not impossible. 

Check out bae, again! (Not a video, just audio)
​ 

So this has been a craaaazy week! I won't go into detail, but just know I had some long days and some late nights. 
​Buuuut in super good other news....I came home on Tuesday and found two packages outside my door. I was like I'm broke, so I know I didn't order anything. Then I thought, well my birthday is coming up so maybe someone sent me a gift.  I opened the smaller of the two, and found a toothbrush with "As I Am" on it. That's the brand of hair products I use. I had recently inquired about a product I had been using for a while that was giving me problems now. I was ordering it from a different site, which may have been the problem. I just wondered if the formula had changed. The lady I spoke with apologized and asked for my address. I thought she was going to just send a replacement. Yall, when I opened the bigger box, it was their whole line of oils, a denman brush, a comb, a bag and a towel, on top of a replacement of the product I had an issue with. Look at all this stuff...FOR ASKING A QUESTION!!!! It was a great surprise during a week where I was begging for Friday after a half day on Monday...

THAT'S ME!!! I don't have a car, but I be getting my nails done and ordering lunch at work like I can really afford that shit. I'm so comfortably uncomfortable. I'm not happy with some aspects of my life and I'm extremely inconvenienced at times (the uncomfortable) but I allow myself certain luxuries because the money for it is in my account and my bills are paid (the comfortable).

I have realized that I can't support others as much as I used to, I have placed more value on making sure I love me more than anybody else can, I have grown to understand the power of routines, I have done so many things that don't have visible results. Well...I smile more than I used to! Anyway, these things aren't manifesting enough change in my life. They are great things and I am proud of myself for making those changes and coming to those realizations, but in the grand scheme of things, those were easier things to do. It wasn't as uncomfortable as the things I need to do to get the results I'm really looking for.

​I HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN!!! I HAVE TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE!!! I HAVE TO DO THINGS I'VE NEVER DONE!!! I HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES!!! 

And I'm going to start making those sacrifices...after I come back from Vegas!!!!! See yall next week!

LOL but seriously, I can't expect things to change for me if I'm doing what's "comfortable".  

Lately, the only men I attract are the ones who are some kind of unavailable...

• uninterested in a relationship
• married/in a relationship
• emotionally distant
  
• too many jobs
• long distance
• or a combination of the above

I just want to know why? I must have WASTE MY TIME and BREAK MY HEART stamped somewhere on my body that I can't see because...LORDT!!!! 

I'll admit, it's not all their fault. I ignored signs I should've paid more attention to. This is not to bash anyone, it's to point out my role in my relationships with these unavailable men. I'm trying to be "mature" *eye roll*

To the uninterested man: Sometimes actions speak louder than words, but not always. Sometimes, listening to the right words could spare so much. You said the words "I don't want to be in a relationship" I should've said, "okay, we need to slow down. I'm unable to meet you there" but I didn't. Because I was too busy picking and choosing which words I wanted to pay attention to. The I love yous, the I miss yous, the I want yous...that's what I wanted so that's what I listened to. That's what I chose to believe...I underestimated my ability to realign my expectations. 

To the married/in a relationship men: I'M NOT THE GIRL FOR YALL!!! I just can't go that way. I don't have a role here. As far as I know, I didn't encourage this. I be thinking everything is all innocent and then the kissy faces and "let's get together" starts and I'm like excuse me but did you forget that you're not single? I have been so surprised by the lack of respect these men have for their relationships. Yall be commenting "#relationshipgoals" or "yall so cute" listen let me tell you...they're a whole lie! I'm not saying everyone is lying, I'm just saying some of yall favorite couples are not what they seem. I will never let another couple be goals for me unless I can see the ins and outs.   

To the man that is too busy: This is a case where actions spoke louder than words. You said all the right things. You failed to do what you said you would do. Almost every time. You were selfish and because you offered me some of what I wanted, I accepted it. It was a pattern. I should've paid more attention to what you were doing instead of what you were saying. 

The thing that I find most frustrating about all of this, is that I know better. What you accept once, you'll be faced with again and again. You have to set the tone in the beginning. It just gets so complicated when sex and feelings are involved. 

To anyone who finds themselves with an unavailable person: LEAVE!!! You deserve somebody who can give you what you want...a relationship...sex...dates...whatever it is. If they are not giving it to you...LEAVE!!! There is a such thing as compromise...but when you're dealing with someone who's unavailable, there's no need to compromise. You are already settling for less than what you want. 

Through these experiences, I have learned that I am unavailable. I have never sought out a relationship, sex,, or a date. I may have desired those things at various points, but I've never gone out looking for them. I find myself in situations and kind of just go with it. I am not the woman I want to be. I'm in love with someone and it's complicated. I don't know how to grocery shop. I have things to figure out by myself. I don't need to put my shit on anyone else's shoulders. I'm not about to mess with somebody's head and emotions if I know I can't give them what they need. I was never really on the market, but I'm for sure taking myself off. I don't want any dates, don't ask for my number, don't set me up with your friends, leave me be. I'm not ready. I may fall weak when I'm lonely, but that's no reason to drag somebody into my shit or put myself at risk for yet another unavailable man. Broken people break people and I just want to heal first. 

To all the unavailable people: TAKE YO ASS ON SOMEWHERE!!!! DON'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YO SHIT!!!!

Yall, I was trying to be the next Jordyn Woods but she out here cuttin up!!! I was trying to be Jordyn Jr...I'm so...idek. Just wtf *face palm*

Hello, I'm back again!! Sitting on my bed, sipping my wine, eating my cookies, and catching up on the new season of RHOA! Yall know that's my show!

Today, I want to address something I'm not sure how to label. It's centered around this feeling of inadequacy I feel because I don't aspire to work for myself and I'm unsure of what my long term goals are.

I see memes all the time about watching who you're around, surround yourself with like-minded people and shit like that and it makes me feel insecure. I don't want to be in that category of people who don't have ambitions or goals. I'm doing something that means a lot to me, I just don't know where to take it from here. Not yet. I'm a little intimidated right now. Everyone around me is doing big things! They have businesses, are in school, or are very confident in what they are doing with their life.

When I was in high school, I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I'm doing that and I feel very fulfilled in the work that I do. I'm great at my job!! I don't have that "let me open my own school" mentality. I just don't. I have my dream job, but I know I won't retire from it. 

It has to leave people to wonder "well, what's next?" GOOD QUESTION! One major life lesson I've learned is that some of the things I thought I wanted, I could actually live without. I'm on an eternal journey of self discovery and that might be problematic for some people. I'm trying to make it less problematic for me. I don't know what I want long term (except a daughter, but I change my mind on that every other week)! I know more of what I don't want. I know what I want small term and a couple months ahead is enough for me to think about right now. 

I help out, though!! I am a sounding board for those around me, I watch the kids, I share the posts, I support those who are trying to do big things, I just don't know what those things are for me.

Please understand that this doesn't mean I'm content with where I am. I desire to live better!! 

I had been feeling this for a while, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what the feeling was...

With all that being said, I'm happy for every one of my friends and associates that are out here making moves! I will continue to support in any ways that I can! I am truly excited for all yall...Let me do some shout outs right quick...

1. Social Media Consulting Group- [email protected] Te'Jal Cartwright :)
2. The Cake Podcast available on anchor and apple :) follow them on ig @thecakepodcast to get updates on new episodes!
3. My good friend, Kiera is in PA school- send her prayers and positive thoughts...shit's stressful!!
4. My good friend, Miracle, just moved all the way to Vegas!! No move is easy- send her prayers and positive thoughts, as well :)

Here it is, the 20th day of the new year. I'm sitting on my bed, watching RHOA with an empty water bottle next to me. It was full, but I guess I drank it all :( 

I'm in the middle of my January Journal Prompts that I posted on snapchat. The prompt that I'm working on is "write an encouraging letter to the parts of yourself that might be hurt or disappointed this past week".

Dear Ashley, 

      All of 2018 you spoke highly about choosing things that are for you and getting rid of things that aren't for you. This week, you had a particularly difficult time accepting that someone decided that you weren't for them. It works both ways, girl. People are allowed to decide they don't want you to be a part of their life. Nobody owes you explanations and you can't waste your time trying to figure out what you did wrong or why someone has decided that. Coincidentally, while you were struggling with how to cope without closure, you heard this amazing interview about a young woman who went through some unfathomable things. She had questions and got very few answers. She didn't allow herself to get stuck on that. People go through all types of stuff and don't sit around waiting for closure. You just have to move on, do well, and wish well for the other people involved. I don't expect you to do this overnight, but girl you will be fine! Healing is happening.

                                                                  Love, 
                                                                        Ashley 

Willing to take advice on this :)
Also, to listen to the amazing interview I mentioned, follow Te'Jal on ig @tejaljarrae the link is in her bio :)

You know that feeling when you get a perfectly popped bag of popcorn...? Yeah, I was feeling that for a little bit. The bag was full, it smelled good, didn't see any burnt spots on the bag...Then I got to the middle, sadly, that amazing feeling disappeared.

That has nothing to do with what I'm blogging about, I just experienced it right before I started typing.

Anyway, Is it for me?
This week I've received some much needed clarity, had so much weight lifted off my shoulders, and took time to do some much needed reflecting. Sometimes we make excuses to hold on to people we know we should let go of. The struggle that I have with these kinds of decisions are:

• the time put into it
  
• what we've been through together
  
• promises made (going back on my word) 
• the fear of giving up on something 
• coming up with excuses for shortcomings
• how the other person would feel if I left
• the convenience
• making selfish decisions that effect others

There are probably more, but those are the ones that came to mind first. As I grow older, I realize that there are things that are for me and things that are not. Things that were for me when I was 15 may not be for me at 26. Growing and changing is a requirement to be considered a living thing...anybody who takes that personally has their own issues to deal with. 

I have entered a new space. A space where I only want things that are for me. 
I've not given up on anything, I've simply grown out of being the person who decides to accept things I shouldn't. I feel like I'm shedding an old layer. I care about people. I don't make these decisions lightly. But as I said...I only want things that are for me. 

***Being a person that's for me doesn't mean we can't have rough times. That's normal.***

I don't want anyone holding on to me because they are struggling with those things that I listed. I recognize that I'm not perfect. I got some issues, I got some things to work on, but it is nobody's responsibility to deal with me while I figure it out. Deciding to end any kind of relationship is difficult, but if that relationship is not for you, LEAVE!

My day was supposed to begin at 5 am buuuuut I rolled out of bed around like 5:45. Friday is jean day at work. And because I got out of bed so late, I had to pull my hair back lol 

I got to work and sat in the office talking to the secretary for over an hour...I didn't feel like working quite yet. It has been a long week. 

We started the day with writer's workshop, which is my favorite part of the day. Teaching kids to write is hard af...But we've put in a lot of work and have made lots of progress! Yesterday, we learned how to write about things we love. Today, we learned to write about things we can do. I did a writing conference with Tyler!

My kids had computer class today. I had a few things to do while they were gone. I made some copies for next week, began a bulletin board (didn't have time to finish), put graded work in their mailboxes, called a parent,  and set up the reveal of our celery investigation. (It's plant week and we've been learning about the parts of a plant and how they function to keep the plant life cycle going. We let the celery soak in colored water. The kids made predictions of what they thought would happen.) (the root of the plant takes in the nutrients and water and it goes up the stem to feed the rest of the plant.)

Right after the big reveal, it was time to do prize box and announce the group that earned enough points to have lunch in the classroom. One of my lovelies was a little more than upset about his group not winning. He made a big mess. The lunch lady brought me some pizza and pineapples, which I managed to spill on my shirt. 

We ended the day with math and a lovely telling me he wants to break my neck because I gave him a sad face on his behavior chart. This is the same kid that knocked down his desk and all the chairs... Anyway, the kids were dismissed, I made more copies, assembled guided reading books, clocked out, and took off my teacher hat. 

Jalisa picked me up from work! We went to her house where I was reacquainted with the bathroom floor I met the night of my birthday lol We also pregamed before the pregame!

We linked up with Tej! We came to my place to get a little more dressed. I was taking hella pictures of myself, Jalisa jumped in a few. Then we went to the Goodwill and then the Green and met Brenden at the jewelry store. He was cool af! 

We came back to my place to really pregame before going out. Then we got in the uber and went downtown. We ended up seeing a comedy show on the sidewalk where I saw a teacher I had in middle school. 

After we decided we had enough of the street comedy, we went into a bar. This girl came up and said we were sexy as hell. That was nice of her lol We saw these two girls who looked just alike at the bar. I asked them if we could be friends for the night and they said yes! We danced a little, talked a little, and took a picture. They were so cute. They either go to CSU now or they recently graduated, I can't remember. They said they were best friends!

This is the part of the night that's the most blurry. We went into a different bar and didn't stay long. We were outside and we saw some people and talked about some things. I don't know who that girl is...

Shortly after the pictures above, we had an issue with an uber driver. He was so rude. He took forever to find us. Then he finally did, and had an attitude. I can't remember what he and Tej were talking about, but I asked him to start driving because he started the trip. I AM RUDE, but I was not rude in this moment. There was an obvious language barrier, so I thought that's why we were misunderstanding each other. So I asked him again and he said no. That's when I got rude and started cussing. I got out the car. Apparently he kicked my friends out. Fuck him. Anyway, we got another uber and went to my house. We stopped at the gas station on the way to another bar. I went in because I was hungry. I met some friends in there that were drunk af trying to get me to choose their snack lol. 

The night kinda died off after that. We all went home and went to bed. The end. 

Self care is so hard to define. It doesn't look the same to everybody. It doesn't even look the same to me every time. 

• When I need to feel pretty:​
  • I do my hair, even if I'm not going to see anyone that day
  • I paint my nails, even my toes when I'm desperate
  • I wear sexy clothes, things I'd never wear in public
  • I take lots of selfies
  • wine

• When I'm drained:
  • I watch reruns of Grey's Anatomy
  • I take an on again off again couch nap
  • I tend to close the blinds and enjoy a darker room
  • I have minimal social media activity
  • wine

• When life is too much:
  • I pray, which I need to do more often 
  • I meditate
  • I try to hang out with my friends
  • I listen to music
  • I sleep
  • wine

• When I need to have fun:
  
  • ​I see what my friends are up to
    
  • I take a couple of shots
  • I turn on some music
  • I sing/dance around my apartment
  • I take a nap

• When I need a sense of control:
  • I clean my apartment
  • I cook
  • I sleep
  • wine

I don't have one self care routine, clearly, I have several. And each time I have the above listed needs, I don't always do the exact same thing. Sleep and wine are very important to me!

check out Miracle's Self Care routines: miraclereason.weebly.com :)

There are actually tons of things that drive me nuts, but these 9 things made the list! 

Find out what things Miracle and I both find absolutely abhorrent: miraclereason.weebly.com

This is the soundtrack to my life so far.... I'll explain each song briefly.

1. 24/7-Kehlani- it's ok not to be ok...
2. Crush- Yuna- :)
3. What About Your Friends?-TLC- re-evaluating my friendships and my role as a friend
4. Broken-Hearted Girl- Teyana Taylor-no use in pretending :)
5. Can't Give Up Now- Mary Mary- always seem to find myself in a position to give up
6. Outside- Mariah Carey- I'm a weird misunderstood person
7. Drunk Texting-Chris Brown-lol because I drunk text...a lot
8. Grown Woman-Beyonce- somehow being 26 equates to being a grown woman
9. Tribute to a Woman-Ginuwine - my time is coming and I know it :)
10. Naked-Ella Mai- I want to be fully loved and fully accepted for everything that I am
11. Sittin Up In My Room- Brandy- thinking about a boy...
12. One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey- miss you dad!
13. She's a Bad Mama Jama- Carl Carlton - My secret theme song :)
14. Tell Me Why You Don't Love Me- Brooke Valentine- Not that I'm looking for love, but I would like to be loved out loud one day...
15. Personal-Kehlani- ASHLEY NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT ASHLEY. It's hard because that's not my instinct. Things need to change and I hope nobody takes it personally.

Bonus Tracks
16. 7/11 :)
17. Marvin's Room :)


Make sure to check out Miracle's blog at miraclereason.weebly.com

I am dedicating this post to girl talk! 

When you have a best friend, nothing is off limits. NOTHING! I try to think about something I would never discuss with my girls and nothing comes to mind. There are embarrassing things that I wouldn't willingly bring up, but if prompted, I would talk about those things, too. I've had conversations about all types of shit. But the reason I'm writing this post, is to express my appreciation of girl talk. 

There are a lot of things about being a girl that I learned from girl talk. I learned that beards and mustaches on girls is a thing. I learned about shaving, sex, experimenting, and DEALING WITH BOYS. Don't forget the tea and the shade!!! There's always a mug of steaming hot tea to sip in the shade when girl's talk!! 

Boys deserve their own paragraph. This part of girl talk has been amazing for me, because my experience with guys is seriously lacking and moving very slowly. My girls have definitely helped to pick up the slack. Dating experiences, sexual experiences, gossip, and the somehow still surprising idiocy of the male species. If the girl you're dating/fucking/talking to/etc, has close friends, they definitely know something about you that you don't want them to know. TLC tried to warn yall. 

And for all you "privately respecting my relationship" hoes...yall boring!

Now that my vision board posts are over, I can take a break and write about something random. I was on the phone this week working on a project with a friend, and the topic of my first kiss came up. 

My very first kiss, that I can remember, happened in first grade. Let me preface this by saying, in first grade, I was not a well behaved kid. It was the only year that I got in trouble for my behavior. There was this room with a table that had a phone in the middle. All the kids that got in trouble would have to sit around this table and take turns calling their parents. I spent a lot of time in that room. 

Anyway, one of the boys I was always in there with was my friend Danny. He was this cute little light skin boy who was so geeked when he got his ear pierced. We always got in trouble together. We rode the same bus home and we sat together. One day he was like "I gotta tell you something, but I gotta whisper it". I'm like "ok" (not in my cardi b voice) so he leans in to "whisper" and kisses me on the cheek. Then he seat hopped to the back of the bus. 

My first nasty kiss was in 7th grade. I had a boyfriend named Eric. He was older than me...yall know how I like em ;) anyway, we used to skip class and hang out in the stairwell. Not doing shit for real, just talking. Well, my teacher had warned me that I was about to get in trouble for skipping so I was trying to go to class. Eric didn't give af about what my teacher said. So we were in the hallway and he's trying to pull me back into the stairwell. Then he just grabbed me and put his tongue on my mouth. I thought we were just doing regular kissing, so my mouth wasn't open. He just kept on licking my mouth. I didn't know what to do. 

My first decent kiss happened in high school. With a slime ball. Enough said there.

My favorite kind of kiss so far, is the lusty kind...yum. 

I have yet to kiss someone that I love. I imagine that one being even better. 

I wanna hear about your first kiss!!!

The FINAL piece of my vision board is all about choosing me and living my best life. 

CHOOSE ASHLEY: I always liked to think that choosing me was something I grew into doing. That's not true. I wouldn't be in some of these situations if I was truly choosing me. Recently, I made a decision that was TOUGH to make. I had to choose myself and I didn't expect it to be so hard. I'm learning that sometimes I'm going to have to fight myself to make the best decisions for me. 

I've faulted people and looked down on people that have ditched me for one reason or another and it all boils down to one thing: they chose them. Ultimately, it didn't matter how I felt about their decision to exit my life. At the end of the day, they mattered most to them. 

In order to be my best self, I have to choose me and be for real about it.  That's what this part of my vision board will remind me to do. 

This part of my vision board touches a little on the last one. I want things. I'm tired of wanting things. I'm ready to have them. All this talk in all these posts about what my vision board represents doesn't mean shit without any action behind it. The word "Finally" is so essential because it has been a loooooong time coming. That's all I have to say for this part. PS I had to throw eating in there because eating is apart of everything I'm trying to do. 

I wrote this blog months ago...​Funny thing is, I'm experiencing a current life hang-up that threw me all the way off. Life has discouraged me a little bit, especially from this part of my vision board. But that's why I have it. The vision isn't gone, it's just a little further away :) Happy Saturday, friends!

Saying no is not a major problem that I have with others. However, yall know how I always say "there are levels to everything"? Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who helped me realize that all the things that I've been trying to do to put myself first, need to be applied in other places of my life. MY JOB comes first. My job is my top priority. My job is sucking the life out of me. My babies are the cutest little people I know, but I have to start telling them no. Not to them, but to how much time and other sacrifices I make for them. 

Also, I'm not saying no enough to myself. I don't have a single (real) problem that doesn't go back to a decision I've made.

"Expect a change, love the transformation" those are words for me!! I can't make anything better for myself if I'm not changing anything. And I can't continue to be mad at what I don't have if I'm allowing myself to be defeated after every setback. I have to have higher expectations for myself. It's more than just attitude, it's action. 

This is my reminder to say no to my job, no to myself, make necessary sacrifices, and smile through it all because I'm going to be okay. 

This is the part of my vision board that gets a little....spicy. There are other sides of me that I'd like to explore. There are many different aspects of my life that I'm new to. Confidence, boys, loving myself, and sex. 

This part of my vision board is to remind me that just because I'm new, doesn't mean I can't be good.

​Confidence without arrogance, loving myself without losing my love for everyone else, making better decisions with men, and safely exploring my sexual self. 

In the near future, there are three things I want to get smarter about...

MONEY
BODY
SPIRIT

Money is rooted in evil, if you ask me. Unfortunately, it's a necessity for life. It has haunted me my entire life. I don't mean green bills and silver coins...I'm talking credit, investments, savings, and things of the like. I've had financial setbacks since I was born. I, like, many never received the proper education in this area and I'm having to pay for it right now. LITERALLY. I'm screwed for a while. My decisions with money, my ignorance about it, and my desperate need for it, is the reason why I would like to learn more about it. 

I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I know as we get older, our bodies change. It's even more important to me because I have a bigger body than some of yall. So I want to get educated about what's best for me and my body as I age. I would definitely like to lose weight...about 50 pounds. I like being round...I just need to be a little less round. I'd also like to figure out what's best for my digestive health, as I've had issues with it my whole life. 

As far as my spirit is concerned, I would love to be more in touch with that side of myself. I go back and forth with deciding to nurture it. I'm interested in learning more about spiritual self care. 

I've always needed people. ALWAYS! And it's annoying. How can someone not be enough for themselves? That was me. And a huge part of the reason why it isn't is because people are unreliable. If I'm having a down day, I've got to be enough to make myself feel better. I've always had shit come up and knock me all the way down. Every single time, I've been let down by expecting someone else to make it all better. I CAN BRING SAND TO MY OWN BEACH! 

This part of my vision board is to remind me that my happiness and joy comes from within. AND I'M NEVER REALLY SAD WHEN I'M NAKED...So I'll be sure to throw more nudity into my life LOL

The third part of my vision board is all about moving from one thing to the next. 
It has been very difficult for me to accept and adapt to change in the past. I didn't take advantage of opportunities out of fear of how things would change. I've allowed people to stay in my life longer than they should have because I was afraid of letting go. 

I'm reminding myself to separate from other people's adventures and go find my own :)

In the interest of experiencing more of life, here's the adventure hopping piece of my vision board. It requires no further explanation.

 The next part of my vision board is all about the attitude I'm developing as a woman. Those of you who know me well have seen a shift in my attitude. Me and this attitude of mine still have places to go. It's not about what happens when I'm mad, well not entirely LOL, but how I carry myself, the vibes I give off, the way I feel about life.

These women are not what I aspire to be, but they have some significance in shaping this new attitude of mine.

Beyonce-sentimental to the start of my confidence (being beyonce in my head)
Rihanna- toughen up, UNAPOLOGETIC
Tracee- fierce, funny, cool, true to herself

I put these women on my vision board to remind me of the direction I'm going. Also, to remember my balance. Too much of one thing isn't good.

I didn't see any of these women and say heyyy I want to be her...I've lived a little bit of life and experienced things that made me realize it was time to change a few things. These women represent those things.

I have at least 10 more women that I could add to this, but this is enough for now. 

**Special shoutout to Angela Rye!! It’s only right to include her in this post.


Keep the prayers coming.

So I as I sat here for the 4th school day in a row with no school, I was stricken with boredom. I caught up on Black-ish and started watching Family Guy because that makes sense. When I get bored, it's dangerous. You know how it is when you're trying to be strong about some shit and then you get hit with spare time *insert eye roll emoji*. I was like oh noooo, I need to get busy with something before I send out some text messages I'd live to regret. 

Some time last year, I went with some friends to this vision board workshop. I spent the whole time trying to envision the vision board lol typical Ashley. I never got around to completing it, but I did keep all the pieces to use later. Well later turned out to be today! Yay!

So here is the first part of my vision board...

I don't think I need to explain any part of this. I think we all know me well enough to not have any questions. Of course, there are plenty other words that could describe Miss Alexander buuuuut why go there?!

In upcoming weeks, I will break down other parts of my vision board. 

To conclude...Here's my face :) 
Goodbye!

I ain't know how to end 2017, blog-wise so I decided to go on a date with my hubby, Jack and he said "babe, just type"...
With that being said, I got some shit to get off my chest....Confessions, I guess. 10 of them bitches...

1. This year, I had friends throw me off their priority list...well fuck it. I cared, now I don't. 

2. I let a dude dictate my mood. I let his opinion of me matter more than mine. I said my piece, I'm cool. 

3. I'm tired of not holding white people accountable for their whiteness. I'm not hiding behind my blackness anymore. I'm tired of being mad about what I hear them say. How is shit supposed to change if I'm keeping my mouth shut to keep the white people around me comfortable? They need to be educated and I'm so ready to do that. 

4. I've always shared with you guys that I think I'm Beyonce in my head...I think it's starting to seep out and be noticeable to others. I don't like that. As I grow as a person, I fall more in love with myself...but being conceited ain't cute. I need to check that shit at the door. 

5. I've come to value my home. I hate my apartment, but it's mine and I need to make decisions that's best for me and my life in it. 

6. I'm afraid of repeating past mistakes. My history with guys is young, and hasn't boded well for me. I have a new opportunity and that makes me nervous. I'm scared to have feelings, yall. I clearly don't know how to handle that shit. 

7. To piggy back off the last one, I have compensated by making sure I have more control. Feelings get out of hand and I'm doing my best to avoid that altogether.. I'm sad af about how my last situation kinda just ended. I have to train myself not to think about that shit.

8. Other people's doubts have always bothered me. I get it from people around me and it used to shut me down... UPDATE: IDGAF how you feel about my plans, especially since I don't plan to share them. Just know I'm movin on up....fuck how you feel about it.

9. Fear has held me back waaaaay too long. Yall, I'm snatching opportunities left and right. There's nothing to fear but fear itself...I forget where that comes from but that's some of the truest shit I've realized this year. 

10. As today marks the anniversary of the last time I saw my dad alive, I always enter the new year with this heavy on my chest. It now serves as a reminder to me. You never know when goodbye is really goodbye. This is relevant this year, as I have exited some relationships on a bad note. That bothers me so much because I'm not a bad person, and to know that some people have a bitter taste in their mouth after leaving me in their past or being left in mine, doesn't sit well with me. I have so much confidence in myself and I feel strongly about who I am as a person, but I never want people to leave me or be left by me feeling otherwise. 

As we enter 2018, I wish everyone the best. If you decide "new year, new me" I promise not to shade you this year. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE, BECAUSE WE DON'T GET A SECOND CHANCE AT THIS SHIT!


Be about you in a way that no one else will ever be able to..
.love you like you love that sorry ass nigga you want so badly...
step into your potential and stop trying help somebody else realize theirs...
stop saying yes when your bank account says no...
​get to know you...
fall in love with you...
YOU CAN'T SAVE THESE HOES!!! SAVE YOURSELF INSTEAD!!!

MOOD ALL 2018
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It's no secret to anybody that I usually have incredible first time experiences..."hint hint, wink wink". Well in true Ashley fashion, I recently had a few others. This is going to be about my first flying experience!
As most of you know, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my friend Kiera's wedding. I'm not new to the bridesmaid experience...not at all. However, this wedding was different from the other 3 that I've been in. For one, the bachelorette party was in VEGAS!

I was so cool with this, up until shit started to get real. Buying the plane ticket and actually having to get on a plane. I was soooo nervous. Thursday, November 9, 2017, that was the day. Miracle picked me up at some ungodly hour and we headed to Cincinnati. When we got there, we ate and I was so shocked at what types of shit you can buy at airport lol It looked like a whole mall that has planes. 
Here's our right-before-we-board photo (ignore her android emoji)

​I've been trying to get her to upgrade for years, she ain't having it. 


​

So we get on the plane and I'm super nervcited. I was in a middle seat and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was sitting next to this elderly woman and I explained to her that I was nervous because this was my first plane ride. Yes, I was that person. Her name was Barb and she told me what to expect as the plane was taking off, and that everything that was happening was normal. I watched Black-ish and Trolls, and I listened to like 14 songs off Chris Brown's new album. I also fell asleep for like an hour and was arm wrestling with the guy on the other side of me. As we were waiting to get off the plane, somehow, Barb informed me that she was.....A RETIRED TEACHER!!!!! It was like the greatest thing ever. We had a lot to talk about at that point. She gave me some old school pointers. We hugged and parted ways.
Here is a picture from my first flight...not that great but very sentimental so you have to see it anyway.


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We landed at the Salt Lake City Airport which was cool as hell!! It was freaking huge, looked pretty clean, and had tons of food options that seemed to be miles apart. We got on a smaller plane and I felt like the wind was just throwing the plane everywhere. I sat next to whatshername. She was also very nice and let me take pictures out of the window. Funny thing about whatshername, she was going to go visit her friend who is a....TEACHER!!! WOOHOO!!
The flight attendant on this flight...was cool af. Here's why: The liquor in that photo was free! She gave Miracle two mini bottles of vodka and Miracle gave me one. The flight attendant offered me my own two bottles, and I turned down her offer because I was scared to be drunk on the plane *insert face palm* I didn't know what it would feel like. Next time I'm offered free airplane liquor, I'm getting wasted. 

We met Jalisa at the airport, rented the car and the party started...Here are a few Gems from the Lit Vegas snap story and the flight home:
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I had a great first flight and a great first time in Vegas.... which I will not be blogging about lol

This blog post is dedicated to my changing relationships with the people in my life. 
I'm struggling, yall. 
Let's start by copying and pasting from the google dictionary...

mutuality: the sharing of a feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties

With that being said, I've had a few experiences this year that have shown me that the mutuality in my relationships is starting to run a little thin. I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. I know we've been here before, but we're back again because there are levels to everything. 

I've struggled with friendship most of my life (middle school and high school), mostly because I think logically when it comes to stuff like that. I didn't inconvenience myself for a problem that somebody else had. For example: You get caught cheating off me during a test...the options are...I get the F with you or you get the F by yourself... you're going to get your F alone. *insert shrug emoji* That was me up until about 4 years ago lol. How awful...you go down with your bitch. That's friendship! I feel like I just got it right and now all my friends are like deuces hoe, we got a real life now and I'm like whaaaaaat but I just got the hang of this shit. 

I defined mutuality because I wanted what I was referencing to be clear. We still love each other and we'll still be there for each other, but with the changing priorities, that means something different to each of us now. 

That means they gotta run it through other people or make sure other people are okay before they can check on me. Where as I don't have to go through anybody to check on them. If I want to lend people money or let people spend the night, I can just do that. I don't have anybody to run it by. (Not at all saying that my friends are being controlled by people, PRIORITY is at play here)

That's fine and dandy, we're 23, 24, 25, and that's what happens. You graduate from your parents to your friends and you graduate from your friends to the family that you're building. Natural progression. Makes perfect sense to me. Except for if you're not there yet. What if you're the friend that graduated from her parents to her friends while your friends graduated to their family? What are you supposed to do in the mean time? I try to fit myself around their new life, but yall I've never been good at that....No seriously, it's like I have no concept of myself. I be looking at a space like yeah I can fit, and then I go for it and I'm sucking it in as much as can and then I have to give up like naw bitch you can't fit. It's like that in my relationships, too. I'm trying to squeeze myself into a space where I don't fit. 

I've always been a person that was always all about my friends and now that my friends are all about their families, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to be all about me, but that's a slow process. I get paid once a month, there's only so much me work I can do with that. 

It leaves me feeling a little empty sometimes. Yes, I have my 25 babies that I absolutely adore with my whole heart and soul, buuuuuuut work can't be my whole life. 
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What do I do? How do I not go crazy? Am I doing this wrong? Help me yall.

**SOS please someone help me, it's not healthy, for me to feel this way**

*who knows where those words came from???