"Woe is me" <-- I hate that.

This blog post is dedicated to my changing relationships with the people in my life. 
I'm struggling, yall. 
Let's start by copying and pasting from the google dictionary...

mutuality: the sharing of a feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties

With that being said, I've had a few experiences this year that have shown me that the mutuality in my relationships is starting to run a little thin. I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. I know we've been here before, but we're back again because there are levels to everything. 

I've struggled with friendship most of my life (middle school and high school), mostly because I think logically when it comes to stuff like that. I didn't inconvenience myself for a problem that somebody else had. For example: You get caught cheating off me during a test...the options are...I get the F with you or you get the F by yourself... you're going to get your F alone. *insert shrug emoji* That was me up until about 4 years ago lol. How awful...you go down with your bitch. That's friendship! I feel like I just got it right and now all my friends are like deuces hoe, we got a real life now and I'm like whaaaaaat but I just got the hang of this shit. 

I defined mutuality because I wanted what I was referencing to be clear. We still love each other and we'll still be there for each other, but with the changing priorities, that means something different to each of us now. 

That means they gotta run it through other people or make sure other people are okay before they can check on me. Where as I don't have to go through anybody to check on them. If I want to lend people money or let people spend the night, I can just do that. I don't have anybody to run it by. (Not at all saying that my friends are being controlled by people, PRIORITY is at play here)

That's fine and dandy, we're 23, 24, 25, and that's what happens. You graduate from your parents to your friends and you graduate from your friends to the family that you're building. Natural progression. Makes perfect sense to me. Except for if you're not there yet. What if you're the friend that graduated from her parents to her friends while your friends graduated to their family? What are you supposed to do in the mean time? I try to fit myself around their new life, but yall I've never been good at that....No seriously, it's like I have no concept of myself. I be looking at a space like yeah I can fit, and then I go for it and I'm sucking it in as much as can and then I have to give up like naw bitch you can't fit. It's like that in my relationships, too. I'm trying to squeeze myself into a space where I don't fit. 

I've always been a person that was always all about my friends and now that my friends are all about their families, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to be all about me, but that's a slow process. I get paid once a month, there's only so much me work I can do with that. 

It leaves me feeling a little empty sometimes. Yes, I have my 25 babies that I absolutely adore with my whole heart and soul, buuuuuuut work can't be my whole life. 
​
What do I do? How do I not go crazy? Am I doing this wrong? Help me yall.

**SOS please someone help me, it's not healthy, for me to feel this way**

*who knows where those words came from???