Most of these Self Exploration posts have resulted from me questioning things in my life and processing with my therapist. This new post is no different. 

2022 was a wild year for me!! I was spending time with new people and really enjoying myself. Dayton is not that small because I never heard of any of the four guys I met last year. I had a different rapport with each of them. I did really like two of them and they were kind of similar. I think maybe I have a type, but it isn’t physical. Anyway, we were having a good time, just enjoying each other for what we decided it was going to be. I was so emotionally spent and sexually frustrated from my relationship with Dro that I just wanted a fling, I guess. But I discovered that even that is difficult when you’re dealing with people who are emotionally distant. Imagine Cleo on Set It Off throwing the tapes out the window until she found the right one…that was me with these guys lol

Anyway, I started really leaning into the question: why is it so easy to show up sexually, but not in any other ways? Sex is vulnerable. Sex is intimate. We were developing surface level emotional relationships, but getting very close physically. Not to be graphic, but we were exploring new things together, creating lists of things to try, discussing fantasies…all these things. And the communication about those things was immaculate! They were open books! But then we couldn’t say simple shit like “I had a bad day, I’ll need some time” I know part of it is not thinking you owe your sneaky link an explanation, but it’s also a way to avoid sharing your emotions. I could make sense of them deciding they don’t wanna tell me they had a bad day but the kicker is, they made it very clear that it wasn’t just me they had this issue with. Obviously there was normal conversation and in those conversations, there was a common statement made: people say I’m nonchalant. Is that not code for emotionally unavailable? I can’t articulate it, but there was always some kind of block with some of them. This caused me to look back at all of my relationships with the men in my life, specifically the romantic/sexual ones. Was this a common theme that I missed? Yall know 30 has me reflecting on every damn thing lol

I noticed that the things that I had asked of some of the men in my life, were similar to things that were being asked of me by some of my friends. It was so easy to call out their emotional unavailability, but took years to see it in myself. I would be hesitant to make plans and I wanted to stay home all the time. I avoided making commitments to things. I always say “I hate obligations”. I still say that all the time! Oftentimes, I didn’t ask questions about other people’s lives. I answered questions about my own life with very clear limitations. I stuck to what I felt was safe. I couldn’t say “it hurt my feelings when Dro didn’t show up”. I had to always present as tough. I avoided vulnerability as much as I could. I’ve written about that in the past, but it was before I knew it to be a part of my emotional detachment. It didn’t present exactly the same way it did for the men I was involved with, but it was definitely comparable.

Processing my own emotional distance with my therapist was crazy. Like I wish there was a camera in the room because it was hilarious! I was like OMG I’m a man!!!! *No, I don’t think all men are emotionally unavailable* it was just true of the ones I had been intimate with. Not just physically, but *emotionally* too. I guess it never occurred to me that being detached was something that could happen amongst close friends, if that makes sense. Like there were people I would talk to everyday and I never thought that there could be so much emotional distance. Ok that was the long way of saying I thought that could only happen in romantic/sexual relationships lol my bad yall. This opened the door for me to look even further into familial relationships and the emotional distance that existed there. 

Being emotionally unavailable is far more common than I ever thought. It doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, but it does have some bad friends…narcissism, gaslighting, manipulation…Those things don’t trail too far behind. Especially if you’re unaware that you’re emotionally unavailable and what that means.

When you break it down into it’s tiniest parts, emotional unavailability is nothing but fear. With everything you’ve learned about me from reading my blog, how can this be so surprising lol Fear has been a huge factor in my life.  

Now after coming to this realization, I had to explore how it happened and I feel like that was kind of obvious. Somewhere down the line I learned that sharing things on certain levels was not a safe thing to do so I didn’t do it. 

I have made steps in moving out of my comfort zone and having conversations that make it possible to open myself back up again. I feel like I’m getting closer to being the version of myself that I am when I’m alone. It’s still a slow process, but we’re moving in the right direction!

I have felt such a freedom in this journey of sharing more of myself openly and allowing myself to receive support when I need it. You don’t realize how much it holds you back from getting the things you need from others. It is a gamble. You gotta make an investment in order to receive a payout. 

I believe that the emotional unavailability that some men exhibit has a long history attached to it. I still hear people tell their little boys to stop crying. That’s not something we’re going to be able to just snap our fingers and fix. But hopefully we can get more people to acknowledge this as a thing and help to find the proper support for them. 

Thanks for reading! 

PS this post has so many branches, but it was already long enough!