Self Exploration Pt 3- Words Have Power

I think it’s time for me to own the fact that these are always going to take forever to write and post lol 

I have been going through some things. Especially with men. Girly is not pleased. If I’m being honest, some of yall suck to me right now. If it ain’t you, it’s ya homeboy. I’m just not pleased. 

Anywho, taking this deep dive into myself has been such a fun experience! The first two parts were extremely vulnerable, but it felt good to own those parts of me and my life. 

This time, I want to talk about the way I talk about myself. Noticing how I talk about myself has really made me see how common of an issue this is. I am definitely one of those people who believes that, to my core, I am who I’m always going to be. This isn’t to say that I’m averse to growing and changing, because if you’ve been on this journey with me, you know that’s not true. There are parts of me that I’m very pleased with and don’t want to change. The issue with some of those parts, is that although I like them about me, I must believe that others perceive them as negative because that’s how I present them. The other part of this is that I hide behind my words. I’ll start with the first issue…

I used to say things like:

I’m difficult
I’m too much
I always got something to say
I’m boring and
I’m a hot mess* more on this one later

I used to say these things because I believed them. I believed that I was too much for people. I believed that I was a hot mess. As I’ve grown up a bit, I began to break these things down and figure out what those things mean to me. What does it mean to be difficult? What about me is difficult? Is it that I don’t do what I’m told? Is it that I have strong opinions? Is it that I’m not impressed by the bare minimum? Because you know what? I’m ok with that. What makes me boring? I enjoy the things that I like and just because they are perceived as boring by others shouldn’t be my concern. How am I too much? Is it because I have mental health disorders and chronic illnesses? Is it because I’m a teacher and sometimes that means I don’t have the energy for others? Because honestly, accepting those things and what they require is a part of being in my life. It’s not being too much, it’s being Ashley. Even after I became comfortable owning who I am, I believe that I said these negative things to make being this way more palatable for others. If I perceive it as a negative thing, then they don’t have to feel bad for disliking this about me. 

The other part of this is the words I hide behind. For the longest time, I used to tell my friends “yall know I’m a hot mess”. Honestly, I would say that just as an excuse to be one. So anytime anything in my life went embarrassingly wrong, my friends already know “I’m a hot mess” so it’s fine. It was easier to be a hot mess than to figure out why that was true. I grew out of that. I got to the point where I didn’t want to be that anymore. I had to start looking at what things in my life fit into the “hot mess” persona and actually do the work to improve those things. The other part of this was realizing that everybody goes through things. During this phase of my life where I was trying to stop being a hot mess, I wasn’t very open about the things I was going through. Handling things in isolation made me think I was the only one with these problems and if I’m a hot mess for those things, then so is everyone else lol

I gave these negative words power. I’ve been in love with who I am for a while, but I still perceived the stronger parts of who I am as negative. My brain doesn’t like when people say words have power, but my brain also knows that they do. If I’m going around telling everyone I’m difficult, I’m too much, and I’m a hot mess, why would they believe anything different? And why would my life reflect anything different? 

I still struggle sometimes and I find myself making corrections to how I phrase things to avoid adding negative words to things I don’t actually feel negatively about. I’m perfectly fine being who I am. I love that I always have something to say and people know it. I love knowing that I’m never going to be too much for people and things that are for me. There’s a safety and security in that knowledge. 

I am who I am, I require what I require, and there’s nothing wrong with any of that. 

Thanks for reading!