Self Exploration Pt 1- Why Would I Accept That?

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind recently and I’ve been having a hard time sitting down and getting it all out. I thought I would just type on multiple google docs as things pop up to wet my whistle and it worked!
So summers are something I struggle with because of my mental health issues. I tried working in the summer and it didn’t work. Part of the issue is that I need the rest, but 2 whole months of   freedom is too much for my brain. Since covid, I’ve been able to do summer school, which has been a great compromise. Summer school is only 3 weeks long at my school. It’s long enough to provide me with a distraction for a little longer and provides me time to rest. Also, that check helps! Here are just a few pictures of the great time we had in summer school! We did an ice excavation of polar animals, we used forks to paint polar animals, and we wrote a persuasive book about getting a seal. The one I included was done by a student who can be reluctant to write and we were all very proud!

This summer has been a reflective one. I know I’m talking as if it’s over, but so much has happened already. I feel like I’m in a season to explore myself. I broke up with my boyfriend recently and it sparked so many things. He is not a bad guy, he’s just not my guy. Long story short, our relationship was beneficial for my covid anxiety. We facetimed all day and I went everywhere he went in the phone. Is that not perfect for someone who wants company but not in their home? Obviously we saw each other, but it was limited. After I got over my covid anxiety, I was ready for my relationship to change, but he was comfortable with how things were. Seeing each other every once in a while was okay with him, but it wasn’t enough for me. I communicated that to him, but I didn’t enforce my boundary right away. There were many other things going on to, but this was the biggest one for me. I was blatantly ignoring my own needs. I had decided that I was ready to explore why I would allow this to happen. I was truly baffled. It was a random Wednesday that I decided to start questioning things in my life and being real with myself.

The relationship with Dro was the first thing I analyzed. Like this hurts, why do I keep doing this? I have obvious daddy issues. That’s easy to say, but what does that mean? It’s more than just the choice of men; it’s how I interact with them, what I expect from them, and what my inner child wants from them. I took the Attachment Style Quiz, which asks a lot of questions about your parents, and I learned that I have an anxious attachment style…surprise surprise lol the report I received said things like I may feel unworthy of love, a fear of rejection and criticism from my partner, overanalyzing my partner’s actions, self sacrifice…The thing that was shocking to me was that I worked very hard to not be that person. Back in high school and early college, I was an emotional wreck and very passive. I worked very hard to change that, but do you know what I didn’t have then? A man. I’m confident in who I am at work (generally), with my friends, with my close family…but with men? It’s like starting over. I’m still processing all of this with my therapist, but what I keep realizing over and over again is how critical your relationship with your parents is for how you show up, what you seek, and the toughest one for me, what you accept in hopes of getting what your inner child desires. I don’t just have these issues with romantic partners, but with every single man in my life. We’re not going there with this, but just wanted to point that out lol 


So what does all this mean for me moving forward? It means I’m not ready to date just yet. I’d like a little more time to sort this out. Honestly, the thought of finding a man makes my ass itch. Like the streets are rough. I’m not built for it lol 

I have added a non-negotiable to my list for dating. I now know how important it is for my next man to do the work for himself. Like I work way too hard on myself to deal with a man that says “my dad was present but absent” and thinks that’s just where that ends. Nah…go heal with your emotionally unavailable ass lol OMG I’m actually a little freaked out to enter the dating scene again. Gross. It’s all gross. 
ARRANGE MARRIAGE ME NEOW! Please!!!! Where is Married at First Sight: Dayton? I’ll be ready by August. Sign me up! Lol I'm laughing right now, but I'm also serious...

I’m open to advice, thoughts, and shared experiences :)

Thanks for reading!