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Ok we’re back for part two!
These are the truths that are a bit harder to share, but fuck it, we’re here! Let’s do it ;) Here’s the next question: What’s the hardest thing about being in a relationship? Here are my confessions:
Your Answers:
These answers make me think that maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. What I see in the responses is that gross v word. Vulnerability. It’s so risky. We all know that my relationship was a fluke so I’m not sure what to say on this. But shoutout to missing the other guys lol most of my single life, I’ve kept multiple guys around because I get bored otherwise. I’m trying to move different this year, tho. I too fear my love not being reciprocated. It’s all just so scary and uncertain and a huge emotional risk. My biggest annoyance with trying to build a relationship is people not being honest and taking communication and a need for clarity as pressure and shutting down as a result. Everybody says that communication is important, but the truth of the matter is, people are bad at it or don’t recognize it for what it is. Ok last question: How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? Here are my confessions:
How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? Your Answers:
Even love gets a day! It’s one of those days that’s not for everybody, it’s absolutely a money making gimmick, most want to experience a good one, and some of us with multiple people! truly my goal for Valentine’s Day next year is to get slutted out after a nice date. My twitter friends already know lol Now here are some spicy confessions: Before I get to the spicy confessions, I want to make something clear–I am not looking for someone to tell me I’m sexy, offer me a good sex life, or anything like that. Please don’t inbox me any of that shit. Thanks.
What’s up next? Turning 32 Series of sexy short stories January’s Vision Board (i know i’m late) Shame and my relationship with it Brendon…Again Some other shit will come up, I’m sure lol Yay! Happy reading 🥰
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For this post, I asked questions on instagram. My goal was to get opinions of others so that this wasn’t all about me. I feel that sometimes it can be difficult to express feelings and desires around sex, love, and romance. As open as I’ve been on here, it’s even hard for me to express some of those things because I find it all to be icky. Not the sex, but the feelings…yeah gross. I do have 14 new-ish confessions that I based around the questions that I asked on instagram. If you want to participate in the future, follow me on IG @L0vely_ash :) see you there, fraaaans. There are also some spicier confessions at the end of part 2!!
Ok so we’ll start with the first question: What’s the hardest thing about being single? Here are my confessions:
Your Answers:
Ummm wow! So sex is not just my issue with being single!!! Let’s talk about poor decision making for a minute…because my vagina be sending snaps to people and I wake up and be like why would you say that to him? I must be messing with the wrong guys because pumping your gas? Where can I get that? Ok that last one…whew! It’s loaded. I will just say that this doesn’t reflect my experiences with men or my relationship with social media. Let’s keep it moving! Question number 2: What’s the hardest thing about dating? Here are my confessions:
Your Answers:
I HATE THE SLOW PROCESS OF GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE OMG!!!!! I’m so glad someone can relate. It’s hard to decide when to introduce sex. I don’t want to cheapen our connection with my sexual desires… People do give up easily. I’m definitely guilty of that myself. I’m not ashamed to circle back though. I’ve done that a time or two. I know how difficult it can be to link with my friends who I love dearly, so imagine trying to make time for someone you’re not sure is worth it yet? MEN!!!!!! LMAO!!! Men! Girl, yes! I’m not trying to shit on men, but yall definitely complicate shit unnecessarily. This has been fun so far!! We still have two questions left and 4 more confessions about relationships and Valentine’s Day! Yall had a lot to say about those and I can’t wait to share part 2. Stay tuned!  So a few months ago, I posted this song on my IG story with a caption that said something like “one day I’ll tell my story.” Today is that day!
I feel like I told this story before, but I wasn’t gonna go searching through my 10 years of blogging to find it lol Anyway, I was visiting with my dad one summer when I met this guy. My older stepsister and I would go visit some of her friends down the street and these friends were mostly older guys. Her age, but I am 3 or 4 years younger than her. I remember sitting on his porch on a porch swing. It was me on the end, someone in the middle, and him on the other end. I was just there. Not looking for anyone, not trying to get involved in anything, just there because that’s where she wanted to be. He kept reaching behind the person, poking me and smiling. I’m a younger girl feeling like this older guy is flirting with me. I couldn’t be sure though, but I was excited. There was a lot of this “secret” touching happening during this time. He just liked having his hands on me. Trying to hold my hand, touching my shoulder, lingering hugs…Nobody ever paid us any attention. Summer ended and there was no more secret touching. But do you know what there was? A Myspace friend request. This was the catalyst for fast tracking our relationship. We talked on Myspace all the time. Always innocent, how was school, how is your family doing…stuff like that. Here’s where being sneaky came into play. My stepsister and I continued to go visit friends when we were together, but we started going different places. I still wanted to visit with him and she was going somewhere else and then we would link back up before going home. Now, I wasn’t at my dad’s house a lot, so we’re talking like a few times in the summer and very sporadically during the school year. This relationship was very slow, yet methodical, in it’s creation. Myspace was keeping us in daily communication and strengthening the connection. There was always this build up of emotions and hormones making each time we saw each other so passionate and so sweet. He was very kind to me, always. When I got to high school, it got easier and trickier to see him. Easier because he could drive to come get me, but trickier because we had limited hours. I wasn’t seeing my dad at all in high school. We would hang out a little at his house and that’s when I started noticing the baby powder all over the house. I also started noticing all the money sitting out. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. He and I never had sex. Yall know I didn’t have sex until after college. I shared that story and you can find part 1 here and part 2 here. We would kiss and makeout and he would try to have sex with me sometimes. It never felt right to have sex with him. It felt dangerous and like something I would regret. He honored my no and waited a few weeks before he’d try again. We did other things, but no penetration. It’s important to note that we were never in an official relationship. Sophomore year, I found out about his girlfriend…and baby. He told me that was his girlfriend, but he liked spending time with me. I had a lot going on in high school at this time, so I was like ok whatever. I didn’t process it at the time. I just started moving differently with him. We saw each other a little less during this time, because I started realizing that my feelings were hurt. We had moved on to Facebook by then and I was ignoring his messages. Talking to him didn’t feel the way it used to. I’m not sure how, but of course he made his way back in. At this point, we were meeting up at the Meijer by my house and he would take me to the library. It was the sweetest thing to my dorky, book loving, 17 year old heart. He started becoming more honest and letting me know that there were more kids. They were up to 3 now. She was popping em out back to back. In my mind, this was my justification for honoring my decision to not have sex with him. If you have sex with this man, you get pregnant. Was it enough for me to quit talking to him? No. Yall, he was giving me so much money. That was the other part of our dynamic. I feel like he gave me so much, and I didn’t have to give him much to get it. If I’m being honest, my involvement with him felt surreal. It wasn’t real life. The other thing about it is, I really felt like he cared about me. He wasn’t getting much from me to justify keeping me around. We messed around a little bit, but I’m sure he could find other girls who would put out, who had a car, who lived on his side of town…but he kept me around and I hate to admit it, but it made me feel special. {insert daddy issues here}. So that was the long way to get to the actual story of my Ring Da Bell moment. But you needed the back story! So by the time I got to senior year, I was wising up about this guy and deciding that this wasn’t a good look for me. I was pulling away from him and letting him know that this isn’t what I thought my relationship should look like. He was telling me that him and his girlfriend were breaking up because he wasn’t happy with her. If he was happy with her, he wouldn’t feel so drawn to me…all this stupid shit that sounds good to an 18 year old. I was so full of hope! He had like a whole plan for what our life would look like. He even mentioned a house with a white picket fence. I’ve always been a reader of romance and that’s straight out of a romance book from the 2000’s. I was on cloud nine until I was standing in the bathroom at my mom’s place looking at a facebook post of a baby announcement. Baby #4 was on the way and he didn’t tell me anything about it and actually insinuated that they weren’t even together like that anymore. I was so heartbroken, but determined to never let him get me to that place again. The lyrics to the song were playing out in real life and every time I hear that song, I think about that moment. It’s crazy!!! We took a bit of a break…like years. I deleted him off social media and never gave him my new number. We talked briefly after college, where he took me on my first date–to applebees lol for me, it could never be what I once thought it was. Even though I went on the date with him, I never saw myself taking him seriously again. Every once in a while he’ll reach out to me and tell me he’s proud of me. It’s been years since we last communicated and I don’t foresee us speaking again. El Fin! So I hope you enjoyed the story of a foolish, foolish girl lol 2023 has been one for the books. I’m not sure what kinda book, but a book for sure. The biggest thing that I remember when entering this year, was that I was tired of being locked in my house. Many of you are aware of the impact that covid had on me. I didn’t go anywhere for a long time. Coming into 2023, I wanted to do more things with my people. I'm actually not that great at capturing the moments, but here's a collection of things I did each month, that I could provide picture evidence of :) Here is January. Miracle hosted a game night and yalls fave was in attendance with one of her faves! I love me some Kiera!  In February, Tej hosted a little Rihanna halftime watch party and I got a picture with my little guy :) (although he's not so little anymore!). February is also my birthday month and I had 5 total birthday celebrations! I was able to capture 2 of the birthday events from February. March saw a continuation of my birthday shenanigans! We did so many things in this weekend and I was only able to capture some of the things. I'm so salty, because there was so much more. Quanita and Chantel are always a good time! In April, I attended Jamaal's art show! I try to show up to all of his events because, first of all, the work is amazing, but it's also the community that shows up. I've met some really great people at these events.  Ok so May is hilarious! These pictures aren't events, but they are apart of what I did this year that led to other things. I got involved with this man and we had A TIME yall! I don't want to give too much details about him and the things we did just yet, but I couldn't leave this picture out. The other thing that happened in May was I got a Cooper's Hawk membership. I still haven't had their food, but I very much enjoy the Wine Club. In June, we took my mom to the Newport Aquarium for her birthday. My mom doesn't do pictures, so I can't post the group photos, but here's me! Also, I attended Miracle's all white birthday party! I was super late, but I got there and in time to get a picture :) July was actually crazy! I visited with Rachel and Devin, but I didn't get any pictures of us together. It was a great time, as always. Devin's house is like a vacation destination. I also had a friend date with Quan and Tej. We went to a nice restaurant and then I hung out with Quan at her house. Tej's car got stolen that night and I immediately got online and started shopping around for a new car. I had a 2019 Kia Rio and panic bought a new car. It was kinda already a plan because we were having car break ins at school and my car felt like a sitting duck. I just didn't plan for it to be that quick. I was in my new car by the end of that week. Meet Roxxi!!  August was the start of school and I met my new class of kids. Which means, I got sick. I got sick on day 14 and day 28 and it just so happens that both colds coincided with 2 events I was supposed to attend. Kiera's housewarming (I think) and Tiera's 30th birthday party. I was salty. But in between colds, I was able to get some time in with Miracle and we had a girl's night. I did get to see Tiera, too. This is the only picture I got from our time together lol sorry yall  September brought me to another of Jamaal's art shows. Another gathering of great people, minus the "cousin" that was talking shit outside. If you're on my snapchat, that's the dude I was about to swing on lol anyway, I also needed a mental health day IN SEPTEMBER because the kids are not ok. So I went to Agave and Rye and had me some good food, AMAZING SERVICE, and a mediocre drink. Miracle brought people together again for a bonfire and chill night in October. There were games, there were drinks, there was food, there was great company!  The holidays have entered the chat! First we have Friendsgiving with the Ovenseri's and of course I didn't get any pictures except of the girls, Koko and Kenza. Then, Tej convinced me to go to this Story Telling Competition downtown. I brought liquor for a turn up and she said actually, we're going to this event and I'm going to to enter the competition. It was a good time and I have never regretted going to a storytelling event. Then I had Thanksgiving with my sister's other family lol Now, here we are in December! We hosted Kiera's baby shower, I had a vision board party with my friend who does not like to be photographed, and no New Year's Eve plans because of my fucked up ankle lol I'm home and resting and I'm becoming increasingly more okay with that as the day goes on! That's my year, guys!
Hey fraaaans! This is a story about how I ended up on bed rest.
So over the weekend, we took some kids to Get Air. I’ve been to Sky Zone in college a couple of times, but I’d never been to Get Air. I didn’t think I would jump. I’m so scary about my feet not being on the ground lol Anyway, it was a great time! I could’ve cried watching these kids who act so grown all the time, be kids. Running around like five year olds…it was so nice to see! It would make sense to go Get Air and hurt your ankle, but that’s not what happened. We got back to school and dismissed a few students to their parents. I went to get my book bag from my classroom, which was super heavy so I decided to put it in my car. I was walking over to my car when I rolled my ankle walking on uneven grass. At first, I thought I could just walk it off, but the more steps I took, the more painful it became to walk. Once I got about two feet from my car, I couldn’t take any more steps. The pain was unbearable. I hopped the rest of the way to my car and just stood there. I was in disbelief. I kept trying to put my foot down and I couldn’t. So I sat in my passenger seat with my foot hanging out of the door. The wind blew hard and even that caused pain. I couldn’t rest it or let the wind blow it. We usually have a few kids who get picked up super late after a Saturday field trip, but all of the kids were gone within 15 minutes. If it weren’t for this injury, everyone could’ve been on their way. I called a few people before I got an answer. My coworker friend came to take me to the hospital. She brought an ankle wrap, but I wasn’t going to let anyone touch it lol I didn’t even want the doctor to touch it, but I had to make sure nothing was torn or broken. The pain was so bad. My coworker friend drove my car, mostly because there was no way I could make it over to another car. She waited with me for over 6 hours. They did an X-ray in the room and discovered no broken bones. Then they took me for a CAT scan because I still could not take any steps. He even said that it was going to cost 1000 dollars and I still could not walk on it. They did the CAT scan and said nothing was torn, but that the tendons or ligaments (he used both terms at one point…not gonna google the difference lol) were stretched and that was the dangling thing I could feel that was causing the pain. They wanted to put an air boot on it, but the second attempt to put it on hurt like a bitch. I screamed out in pain and that nurse kept on going!!! I had to ask her to stop. I wanted to throw a hissy fit because I was so pissed. There has just been so much going on and the rate at which things are happening needs to slow tf down. I was in so much pain, my coworker friend was stuck with me because she drove my car, we were both hungry, and I was just so annoyed at how the day turned out. When that nurse tried to put that air boot thing on and it hurt like that, I felt a tiny bit defeated. Like shit, I really fucked myself up here…and it’s not going to be a quick thing. My coworker friend and I went to dinner. I hopped to a table and sat for an hour and then it was time to go home….which is upstairs. I think I was dreading this because I still couldn’t put any pressure on my foot and yall know what going upstairs is like. My balance already isn’t the greatest, but you want me to balance on crutches and hop forward only using one foot? No. I was terrified of fucking myself up even worse. I had to get on my hands and knees on the ground outside and all the way up the stairs to my apartment. It was a little humiliating, but I had to do what I had to do. I’ve been off work for two days, where I’ve tested the limits and pushed myself to get around. My apartment is pretty small and easy to get around, ordinarily. It’s a bit messy at the moment, so there are tripping hazards in the form of clothes, yoga equipment, and cords. If I was having a hard time getting around this place, I can only imagine what getting around my school building would be like. Children in the way, the stairs, everything being so far away… I’m gonna attempt to drive. It is my driving ankle that I hurt. I’m going to be the slow driver tomorrow. Sorry in advance. If I can’t drive, I’ll have to call Tej to drive me. My biggest obstacles have been using the bathroom, bathing, sleeping, and restaurants forgetting my straw!!!! Every drink I ordered….they forgot my straw. I had to get up, after having sat down, and get a straw from my drawer. On top of this, I’m getting reports that my class is terrible from teachers and parents. I’m a little nervous about unexpected obstacles at work, but I’m going back tomorrow. The floor is so hard and I’m scared of falling and hurting myself even worse. There are no bathrooms on my floor, either. I think it’ll be ok and if it’s too much, I’ll go back home. Mostly, I feel ready to test it out. So yeah…that’s how I ended up on bed rest for a few days. Fun times! I have drafted so many blogs full of what’s going wrong, but I wanted to write about what is going right. There is usually always something lol there’s going to be some bad in here, but I swear this is mostly good!! So we had conferences before Thanksgiving break started and the last parent I talked to yelled at me. I usually super love conference night because the parents make me feel like a celebrity lol I’ve been there so long and have always had great relationships with parents. This lady yelling at me really fucked me up because girl you and your kid are not going to be talking to me like this. No. And when she found out she was wrong, she didn’t even apologize. It’s fine though, our time is coming. But that’s the mental space I was in when break started. We had a staff luncheon the next day and I missed a meeting that got pretty…emotional and the energy at the luncheon was strange. I have a budding friendship with one of my coworkers and we went on a book shopping spree and went to have more food and drinks after the luncheon. My spirits began to lift a bit. I still woke up at 6am on that first Saturday, but whatever. It just gave me more time in my day. I spent time with my old people, my best friend, other close friends, new friends, a new man (don’t get your hopes up, I don’t think it’s going to work out)…it was a great time. But do you know what was lurking underneath the surface??? You guessed it! ANXIETY!!! There was something happening with my body and yall know that's my biggest trigger. It seemed to get worse as the week went on, but I told yall this was a good post so let’s get to the good. I have not been able to see my therapist for a month and have been in the middle of a couple of anxiety cycles in that time. This last one was, by far, the worst one because I was feeling and experiencing things outside of the norm. It would’ve been really easy to sit on my couch or lie in my bed and wallow in my anxious thoughts, but several times during this week, I sought out community to help me get through this. I did not let anxiety steal my joy over break. I didn’t let work do it either! I was supposed to go in one day and do some things, but noooooo. I’ll see that place bright and early tomorrow morning. Instead of going to school, I did my meal prep. I only do three days at a time because the food doesn’t hold up well after the 3rd day and I don’t mind prepping mid week. I have found something that is very easy to prep, tastes good, and keeps me full most of my day. There are ways to increase the nutritional value, but that requires math and I’m not there yet. I do track it with the My Fitness Pal app, so I know it’s not bad. It could be better, though. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! This will be week three of meal prepping breakfast and lunch. I skipped a week for Thanksgiving, but I’m back at it for this upcoming week! I was gonna say, “it’s the small victories that really add up” but honestly, I don’t believe these victories are small. I’m proud of myself! Four random things for the road: 1. I’m bringing back my monthly vision boards! If you’re interested in a vision board party, let me know! 2. I think I finally discovered where I’m crafty…it’s scrapbooking and cardmaking stuff! I’ve done this for years, but didn’t view it as creative…Idk why… 3. I’ve been binge watching Baddies lmao 4. I really miss sex 🙁 Anyway…here are more pictures from Thanksgiving Break 🙂 I hope everyone enjoyed their turkey day! I'm baaaaaack! I kept yall waiting long enough so let's just get right into it... Dealing with men in any capacity definitely fills me with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. I have struggled in familial relationships, romantic relationships, and platonic relationships. I wanted to take a break and just focus on having sexual relationships. As I was recounting my time with these men, I was reflecting on how I was feeling, what I was learning, and what was actually happening. I remember showing up to Danny’s house looking absolutely ridiculous and relying solely on my cute face to get me in the door. I was wearing biker shorts and a really old house shirt. My brain was so not ready for him to say let’s link right now. I couldn’t think of everything I needed to do because this was new to me. I learned that men don’t care about shit. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, what your hair looks like, if your legs are shaved…If they agreed to this, they committed to it. I have pretty good hygiene, so I wasn’t too terribly concerned, but I was so worried about my outfit. My time with Danny made me feel more confident and comfortable being my less fabulous self. I think that’s dangerous lol I realized during my rereading of the posts that I left out some things in Danny’s story…after Danny and I linked the first time, we were watching a movie on his couch and then his cousin called. He started talking about a move. I got so nervous (surprise, surprise), because I thought I would never see him again. Like he let me come over because he knew he was moving. Well, obviously, that wasn’t the case. I did see his new home and we had a new tradition there. I would come over to his house and he would have rap music playing in the background. When I thought of having sex to music, I always imagined it would be like Usher or something. Nah, this man was playing Jeezy lmao and it was actually a vibe…So that brings me to the song that reminds me of my time with Danny. After much consideration, the winning song for Danny is Don’t Kno by Moneybagg Yo. Our situation doesn’t perfectly fit what the song is about, but every time I hear it, I think of him. Now onto Charlie- Confession: I’m still salty about how this went. He was mysterious and that kept me intrigued. That’s probably why I’m still over here like hmmm, I wonder what he’s doing lol I think I did pretty well recounting my time with Charlie. There isn’t anything glaringly obvious that came to mind when I reread the posts about him. I do want to emphasize that Charlie lived with his mom. That is going to be important for the next post. My time with Charlie taught me to advocate for myself and that it’s okay to release what’s not serving you. I tried to reconnect with Charlie and it just didn’t work out. I need to let dead things stay dead and quit trying to perform CPR. There is no song for my time with him either 🙁 I do think about the movie World War Z because that’s something I never would’ve watched had it not been for him and it was a really good movie. Now Brendon…Oh Brendon. I keep him in the back of my mind. I always wonder if I’m going to run into him somewhere. I’ve made my peace with how things went, but there is still a piece of me that wonders what he could’ve gotten wrapped up in that would cause him to sever our connection and to do it so abruptly. He could just be an asshole and I’m in denial about it lol It is just very inconsistent with who I thought he was. So around the time that Brendon and I were involved, I was spending too much time on tik tok. The song that reminds me of him is from a tik tok trend and I became obsessed with it. It is Rodeo by Lah Pat. The song just reminded me of the level of attraction that existed between us. There were a couple things that I learned from my time with Brendon. I was reminded that I can survive disconnection. I was very fucked up about him ghosting me, but then I was fine. I have to keep reminding myself that what is for me, won’t miss me. Disconnection means that he’s not supposed to be here. This might be the biggest thing I learned right here→Let’s talk about how Brendon came and shook the table a little bit…Brendon came and wanted me, but not just physically. He wanted to know about what I was reading, watching, how my day was going, what was on my mind, if I wanted kids, my relationship with my family, and so many other things. He was actually interested in me as a whole. So what did I do? I changed my desire based on what he was giving me. I’ve done that in other relationships, too. I ignored what I wanted and that’s how I ended up being ghosted and caring about someone I was just supposed to be fucking. What I realized and why I stopped with the boys after this, is that I wasn’t ignoring my desires, I was giving into desires I didn’t think I had at that time. Ultimately, this ho phase was bred of hurt feelings over not being fully desired by my boyfriend and unmet needs. Those feelings didn’t just go away. I found a way to meet the most basic forms of those needs the easiest way that I could. When Brendon was trying to offer me something other than sex, I engaged so willingly because it was the real desire from the beginning. I had to go through all these men for about 9 months before I came to this realization. I stopped with the boys after 6 months, but I was dealing with the consequences, going to therapy, and reflecting for a few months after. Yes, in this time, Danny and I did continue to hook up, but no new boys. To close this all up, I learned things about myself as far as what I like and what I don’t like from men. I was presented with different men, different circumstances, different backgrounds, and different interests as it pertains to sex. First things first, I only like these things with people I consented to having sex with. I like to be choked, spanked, have my hair pulled, and I like when a man makes me feel physically small. Not like being abused, but picking me up, flipping me around, moving my body like it’s not 300 whole pounds. Danny is a big guy so all of his furniture is big, too. I felt tiny on his couch and on his bed. It was so nice! Not that I aspire to be small, but it was nice to be my size and not feel scared to sit on anything in his house. That’s a huge thing for me. I also learned to be more comfortable with men, in general. My experiences with men before this were so sporadic that I never really developed a comfort around them. Now I feel very sure of myself. I took some time to really think about what my romantic desires are and what I would consider non-negotiable when dating. This time in my life kinda helped to narrow things down. Now if you can remember, last year I was writing my self exploration posts…I’m going to write a dating exploration post and detail this information, if you are curious. A while ago, I asked if anybody had any questions about the boys and these are the questions I received: Q: No more Charlie? A: Noooo. After the last time we hooked up, we talked a little more after that. I ended up deleting him off facebook because I felt like I was trying too had to keep a connection he didn’t seem interested in keeping. Q: Who do you enjoy more? A: I enjoyed Brendon the most. I got to discuss books with a man that was attractive, my best eater, and was consistent with his energy towards me…yeah he was a winner until he became the biggest loser. Q: What do you want now? A: I’m gonna include the answer to this in the next post. Sowwy! Q: Can I shoot my shot to be the next guy on the roster? A: Ummm refer to the image, friend…  Detailed sex story ahead FYI… We kissed all the way from my door to my bedroom. When we got to my room, I started undressing him. First his shirts (swear he had on like 4), then his pants. We were kissing again and he pulled my shirt off. I always wear easy access clothes when a man I intend to fuck is coming over lol undressing me was easy. He kissed all over my body like he was in love with me or something. I laid back on the bed. He pulled me towards the edge and climbed on top of me. He slid into me while we were kissing and I felt like I was gonna cum right then and there. Kissing really does it for me and Brendon seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. He was so kind and so gentle with me…while he was on top of me. Then he flipped me around and entered me from behind. Yall. It hurt so fucking good!!! I felt his sweat dripping on my ass. We’re fucking and then he pulled out and nutted on my carpet. ON MY FUCKING CARPET!!! We had an intermission and talked a bit and then out of nowhere, he picked me up and put me on top of him. HE COULD LIFT ME!!! So the part I forgot to say was that he delivered furniture. I guess I’m a couch because he lifted my 300lb ass with no problems. I proceeded to ride him until he lifted me up again, laid me on my back, and fucked me missionary. He nutted on my carpet again. We got dressed and walked back to the door. We kissed some more, but I cut it short so he could go get his sister. He let me know when he got to his sister and when he made it back home. Brendon and I had a good, sexy time together. Lots and lots of kissing, naked cuddling, telling stories from our lives… Usually every time we got together, we fucked at least twice because of the first goodbye kiss always led to another round. Everything was just so intense between us all the time. One time we fucked at the door because we couldn’t make it to my room. It was the kissing. So much passion wrapped into each one. His hands always ended up wandering over my entire body and that’s how sex happens. Kissing is dangerous. Especially kissing Brendon. We continued to talk all day and all night. I think you could make a drinking game out of how many times I used the word ‘kissing’ lol Everything with Brendon felt so right. I didn’t feel like I had to force anything, he seemed to want me as much as I wanted him, but that wasn’t true. We were both having a rough week and we were joking about how at least this is going well for us. We had just made it to a month and two days later, he ghosted me. I remember I was at game night at Tej’s house and he was asking me what games we were playing and how he wished he could come and then nothing. I was in such disbelief that I was like ok…he must’ve died because ain’t no way…I thought this for 2 days. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything until I got confirmation of his death or signs of life. Then I saw him respond to something someone tagged him in on facebook. He was not dead. I have this rule of 3 when it comes to men. I saw a boy ignore 100 phone calls and text messages and I never wanted to give any dude that power over me. I will try to reach out a max of 3 calls and 3 messages and then it has to stay where it is. I didn’t call him at all, so he got 4 messages. I sent one message on Saturday, one on Sunday, a facebook message on Facebook after I saw the comment and a message on snapchat after he viewed my story. He blocked me on facebook after I sent that message. I was DEVASTATED!!! Confused, lost, heartbroken…All the things. There were no signs. He was all in and then he was all out. Ghosting is so cruel. After this experience, I took a break from Danny, Rodney and I had already stopped calling each other at this point, and I sought solace from Dro. Yeah, I know. He was offering me friendship and I needed someone to fill the gap Brendon left…temporarily. I was fucked up for weeks. It still lingers a little bit because it’s not closed. Idk if it was something I did or something he had going on. Let’s take a break from the emotional the lovey dovey shit for a second. He could lift me and he was my best eater. I LOST MY BEST EATER!!!! That’s another level of heartbreak. I could cry right now just thinking about it. Through this experience, I made a big girl move. Instead of keeping this to myself, I took it to my friends and allowed myself to be affirmed, reassured, loved, and supported through this terrible grieving process. I made myself so proud! Randomly, I thought about how I was supposed to lend him my copy of The Silent Patient to read, but we kept forgetting every time he came over. Do yall know how fucking relieved I am that that asshole does not have my book!?!?! If you look at the bookshelf in the picture, the book is on display so that when he walked in he would see it. Obviously, the bookshelf was not our focus lol  This is why I don’t fuck with men who have androids. I said what I said!!! Never again!!!
Next Up: Lessons from my hoe phase, the answers to the ig questions, fun facts, confessions, and what song reminds me of each guy… Also, I did a half ass job with editing this lol I'm sorry. This the one right here yall. I know Charlie was yall favorite lol but Brendon was mine. Brendon and I matched on BLK about a month after things ended with Charlie. Rodney was still in the picture at this time, but I decreased the amount of time that we were talking because Brendon had my full attention. Let me tell yall about him. I thought he was so adorable!! His pictures showed someone who was tough and hardened by life, but also very cuddly. Kinda like a bear. They look so adorable with those ears, but get too close and they’ll kill you. AKA my type lol We initially bonded over our love of reading. HE LIKES TO READ!! He even suggested things for me to read and he got me hooked on Webtoon. If you’re familiar with Webtoon, I read the Lore Olympus series. It’s so good. Greek Mythology stuff. We also found this super funny:  He’s very family oriented. All about his mom, brothers and sisters. He didn’t know his dad, but knew of him. Unfortunately, he was dying. He alluded to some complicated things with his mom too. He loves his mom, but there was a lot going on there. Just a lot of parent shit which let my trauma informed ass know that I needed to be careful with this one. I am well aware of the fact that your relationship with your parents has a huge impact on how you show up in your relationships. This did not deter me. I just found him to be such a breath of fresh air, that this one thing was ok.
We talked on the app for a few days and then I gave him my number. I really enjoyed talking to him. I thought the conversations with Charlie were good, but Brendon and I could talk about more. He was an open book. He answered every question, even if the answer was bad. He was curious and asked a lot of questions. It may be the first time that I felt like a man actually wanted to know me. In the past, I felt like I volunteered a lot of information to aid in the process of getting to know me. I forced it, I guess. Not with Brendon. I was glued to my phone waiting for his response, which always came reasonably quick. I could anticipate when he would text me because he never let too much time go by between conversations. And all that is how Brendon became a problem. I went off book on this one. It was supposed to be just sex, but I already knew before we met that that’s not what was going to happen. We talked all day everyday for about a week before we decided to meet. He came over and everything just felt so natural. It was like hanging out with someone I’d known for years. We talked for a couple hours and sex didn’t come up once. We were getting into the deep shit. Childhood trauma, relationship issues, what we wanted out of life…and then his sister called and he had to go get her from work. I was so sad yall. I walked him to the door and we were saying goodbye. We were standing very close. He tilted his head down a bit and our faces were like an inch apart. Ultimately, I was the one that leaned in for the kiss and omg. OMFG! Easily, hands down the best kiss of my life. He has these really big lips and I never kissed someone with big lips before. This would become a staple when we got together. We really loved kissing each other. It was intoxicating. So back to this goodbye kiss… There was so much passion and then it got hot. I backed away and told him it was too bad that he had to leave. He stepped closer to me and we started kissing again. This time it was hotter and deeper. His hands were all over me and I backed away again. I told him if he didn’t leave then, he wouldn’t be leaving for a while. He said “Don’t threaten me with a good time”. At that point I was like fuck it, we’re doing this. This is a short story about one of the guys I matched with on BLK, with a sprinkle of 2 other guys. At the time that Rodney and I matched, I was deeply entangled with Charlie and Danny and I were handling our business. Even though I had two boys, I wasn’t fully satisfied. I wanted more. Charlie worked late sometimes and wasn’t as needy as I was and Danny has a daughter that stays with him for two weeks at a time. I felt like I needed one more guy to make my rotation complete. On my journey to finding this third guy, there were two other guys that stood out. Check out a couple of snippets from two of the guys that didn’t make the cut: The first one is Ty. He was very bold which emboldened me. I be talking shit yall lol Things with Ty didn’t work out because he was in Cincinnati and I wasn’t trying to travel that far just for sex. It was only 45 minutes but that was enough to take him out of the running.
The second two are J. J was not okay. J was fighting demons and I was 100% he was looking for someone to fight them for him lol I was not looking for a project. I was just looking for dick. Rodney got my attention with his consistency. Every morning there was a good morning and every evening he wanted to know about my day. He works 3rd shift so he was getting off when I was headed to work and he would be waking up by the time I got home. It worked out pretty well, surprisingly. My favorite thing about him was that he loved to facetime. At the time, that was important to me. He would facetime me first thing in the morning and compliment my “morning glow”. Fun fact: Rodney and I have never met. I know I just spent all the time singing his praises buuuuut… I knew fairly early on that I was probably never going to sleep with him. As I mentioned, he liked to facetime. I was all about it. In our first 3 calls, I learned a lot of information about him. 1. He believes in Kevin Samuels, 2. He has a crazy gun wielding ex, and 3. He has an abnormally large penis. I didn’t engage in the Kevin Samuels debates he wanted to have. I inquired about the crazy ex and it scared me. She drives up and down his street, follows people who leave his house, and calls him all the time and tells him that no one else can have him. I wonder what parts of the story are missing, but I heard enough that I told him I would never go to his house. He offered to show me his large penis and I said no…at first. When he’s not sharing these wild outlandish tales and discussing Kevin Samuels, he is fun to talk to. I never laughed so much! That’s why I continued to talk to him even though I knew I would probably not see him. One night, I was at my friend’s game night and he called me. I ignored the call at first, but then he called again. I went to a private room to take the call and this time when he asked me if I wanted to see his penis, I said yes. He was correct. That was the biggest penis I had ever seen and it was soft. He asked me if I wanted him to wake it up and I said no. I was scared! I do believe there is such a thing as too much dick. He had too much dick. I’m not sure that would even be pleasurable. Shortly after that night, Rodney and I stopped talking. We would miss each other’s phone calls and then eventually, we stopped calling. Ironically, as I started working on this post, he hit me up. We have since begun talking again, but as friends. There doesn’t seem to be this underlying sexual desire. At least not on my end. And he called me just now as I was making edits and the first thing he asked me was when I was going to disrespect his face? LMFAO. So disregard that underlying sexual desire comment. He is the guy who offered the FWB deal I was talking about it in my story yesterday. I declined, obvi. I did share with him that I’m not in a good place to enter any potential situationships, relationships, or anything. He was very understanding and appreciative of my honesty. Next Up- Brendon <-- This one right here...shit |
