Lessons From The Boys

I'm baaaaaack! I kept yall waiting long enough so let's just get right into it...

Dealing with men in any capacity definitely fills me with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. I have struggled in familial relationships, romantic relationships, and platonic relationships. I wanted to take a break and just focus on having sexual relationships. 

As I was recounting my time with these men, I was reflecting on how I was feeling, what I was learning, and what was actually happening. 

I remember showing up to Danny’s house looking absolutely ridiculous and relying solely on my cute face to get me in the door. I was wearing biker shorts and a really old house shirt. My brain was so not ready for him to say let’s link right now. I couldn’t think of everything I needed to do because this was new to me. I learned that men don’t care about shit. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, what your hair looks like, if your legs are shaved…If they agreed to this, they committed to it. I have pretty good hygiene, so I wasn’t too terribly concerned, but I was so worried about my outfit. My time with Danny made me feel more confident and comfortable being my less fabulous self. I think that’s dangerous lol 

I realized during my rereading of the posts that I left out some things in Danny’s story…after Danny and I linked the first time, we were watching a movie on his couch and then his cousin called. He started talking about a move. I got so nervous (surprise, surprise), because I thought I would never see him again. Like he let me come over because he knew he was moving. Well, obviously, that wasn’t the case. I did see his new home and we had a new tradition there. I would come over to his house and he would have rap music playing in the background. When I thought of having sex to music, I always imagined it would be like Usher or something. Nah, this man was playing Jeezy lmao and it was actually a vibe…So that brings me to the song that reminds me of my time with Danny. After much consideration, the winning song for Danny is Don’t Kno by Moneybagg Yo. Our situation doesn’t perfectly fit what the song is about, but every time I hear it, I think of him. 

Now onto Charlie- Confession: I’m still salty about how this went. He was mysterious and that kept me intrigued. That’s probably why I’m still over here like hmmm, I wonder what he’s doing lol I think I did pretty well recounting my time with Charlie.  There isn’t anything glaringly obvious that came to mind when I reread the posts about him. I do want to emphasize that Charlie lived with his mom. That is going to be important for the next post. My time with Charlie taught me to advocate for myself and that it’s okay to release what’s not serving you. I tried to reconnect with Charlie and it just didn’t work out. I need to let dead things stay dead and quit trying to perform CPR. There is no song for my time with him either 🙁 I do think about the movie World War Z because that’s something I never would’ve watched had it not been for him and it was a really good movie. 

Now Brendon…Oh Brendon. I keep him in the back of my mind. I always wonder if I’m going to run into him somewhere. I’ve made my peace with how things went, but there is still a piece of me that wonders what he could’ve gotten wrapped up in that would cause him to sever our connection and to do it so abruptly. He could just be an asshole and I’m in denial about it lol It is just very inconsistent with who I thought he was. So around the time that Brendon and I were involved, I was spending too much time on tik tok. The song that reminds me of him is from a tik tok trend and I became obsessed with it. It is Rodeo by Lah Pat. The song just reminded me of the level of attraction that existed between us. There were a couple things that I learned from my time with Brendon. I was reminded that I can survive disconnection. I was very fucked up about him ghosting me, but then I was fine. I have to keep reminding myself that what is for me, won’t miss me. Disconnection means that he’s not supposed to be here. 

This might be the biggest thing I learned right here→Let’s talk about how Brendon came and shook the table a little bit…Brendon came and wanted me, but not just physically. He wanted to know about what I was reading, watching, how my day was going, what was on my mind, if I wanted kids, my relationship with my family, and so many other things. He was actually interested in me as a whole. So what did I do? I changed my desire based on what he was giving me. I’ve done that in other relationships, too. I ignored what I wanted and that’s how I ended up being ghosted and caring about someone I was just supposed to be fucking. What I realized and why I stopped with the boys after this, is that I wasn’t ignoring my desires, I was giving into desires I didn’t think I had at that time. Ultimately, this ho phase was bred of hurt feelings over not being fully desired by my boyfriend and unmet needs. Those feelings didn’t just go away. I found a way to meet the most basic forms of those needs the easiest way that I could. When Brendon was trying to offer me something other than sex, I engaged so willingly because it was the real desire from the beginning. I had to go through all these men for about 9 months before I came to this realization. I stopped with the boys after 6 months, but I was dealing with the consequences, going to therapy, and reflecting for a few months after. Yes, in this time, Danny and I did continue to hook up, but no new boys. 

To close this all up, I learned things about myself as far as what I like and what I don’t like from men. I was presented with different men, different circumstances, different backgrounds, and different interests as it pertains to sex. 

First things first, I only like these things with people I consented to having sex with. I like to be choked, spanked, have my hair pulled, and I like when a man makes me feel physically small. Not like being abused, but picking me up, flipping me around, moving my body like it’s not 300 whole pounds. Danny is a big guy so all of his furniture is big, too. I felt tiny on his couch and on his bed. It was so nice! Not that I aspire to be small, but it was nice to be my size and not feel scared to sit on anything in his house. That’s a huge thing for me. 

I also learned to be more comfortable with men, in general. My experiences with men before this were so sporadic that I never really developed a comfort around them. Now I feel very sure of myself. 

I took some time to really think about what my romantic desires are and what I would consider non-negotiable when dating. This time in my life kinda helped to narrow things down. Now if you can remember, last year I was writing my self exploration posts…I’m going to write a dating exploration post and detail this information, if you are curious.

A while ago, I asked if anybody had any questions about the boys and these are the questions I received:
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Q: No more Charlie?
A: Noooo. After the last time we hooked up, we talked a little more after that. I ended up deleting him off facebook because I felt like I was trying too had to keep a connection he didn’t seem interested in keeping. 

Q: Who do you enjoy more?
A: I enjoyed Brendon the most. I got to discuss books with a man that was attractive, my best eater, and was consistent with his energy towards me…yeah he was a winner until he became the biggest loser.

Q: What do you want now?
A: I’m gonna include the answer to this in the next post. Sowwy!

Q: Can I shoot my shot to be the next guy on the roster?
A: Ummm refer to the image, friend…