And Then There Was Ian

Hey Fraaaans! I’m back and I have 3 back to back posts for yall. I think I will post one a week for the next few weeks. I was going to put Ian and Martin in the same post, but then it would be way too long. Let's pick up where we left off…

The last thing I posted were my love life confessions. I admitted to having a crush who I thought would be my Valentine and it didn’t turn out that way. Well I’m happy to announce *drum roll please* NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!!!! Lol no worries or hard feelings. 

Let me tell you how we got here. After Brendon made his grand exit, I had a brief thing with Corey, which I think I told yall about. That’s how I decided to stop using dating apps altogether. Shortly after I made this decision, Ian showed up. Imagine my surprise when this beautiful man fell into my lap…A man I’ve seen outside…with my friends. A man I’ve heard mostly good things about…A man that I didn’t meet on a dating app. In my delulu pisces brain, this was a sign. I was so caught up on this being a sign, that I missed things. He only seemed to want to text. This part isn’t his fault, as I should’ve made it clear that I prefer to be on the phone. In my delusional brain, I just knew that we were going to be seeing a lot of each other so that wasn’t the hill I wanted to die on. I made adjustments to my expectations because this person is not a stranger. I figured that meant I could change my rules and make exceptions.

 Let’s go back to why I was attracted to this man. He could hold a proper conversation (no “wyd” every 10 minutes), I heard good things about him before anyone even knew I was involved with him (I was enjoying getting to know him and I didn’t want to find out anything bad so it took me a while to tell anybody what was going on), he is passionate about his work (do you know how rare it is to find a single, childless man who actively invests his time and money to learn about something he cares about?), he is very physically attractive (so fine. So fucking fine), and probably one of my favorite things about him is how well he paints a picture during sexy talk (I still have dreams about the things he said to me). I was gone in the brain for a while lol 

The other exception I made was that despite the nature of the conversations and the plans we had for each other, we never linked and I continued pursuing this connection anyway. I made excuses instead of taking everything at face value. It wasn’t bad with him, like he was always very kind to me, which is why I didn’t expect it to turn out this way. I started overthinking and acting out a bit (more on this in the post about Martin). I’m not one to do the whole crazy thing, but I definitely tried to figure this out more than I’m proud to admit. And I also let my confusion lead me to bad behavior.

I struggled with our downfall, because I know what we sent to each other and I really wanted him to do everything he said he would do lol I think maybe my vagina had the crush longer than me. My mind already had this figured out and my heart began retreating a little when he stopped sending me good morning texts. I’m pretty vocal and I spoke up as much as I could. Initially, I was like how do I keep getting this so wrong? Like how do I keep finding myself attracted to and attracting men who can’t be available for me? Every now and then I would be like did I make it up? But then I think about some of the things he said to me and I’m like nah he wanted me at one point lol Then that led to me thinking about how I must’ve turned him off…I let him in and he basically rejected me. I didn’t realize that I felt this until I was doing the final edits on this post!!! We are still cool and it didn’t really feel like rejection while it was happening. 

Ultimately, I made the decision that if it’s this confusing, then it can’t be right. I harbor no ill will towards this man, I just cannot handle the confusion. He’s still my crush for the moment, but I think that’s where it’ll stop. 

One important thing I forgot to mention…This man is a gemini. THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO GEMINIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO! 

After next week’s post, I will circle back to what this has helped me figure out about myself. Sooooo… more on this later! Thanks for reading!