Commitment to Self

I am going to say some difficult things about myself in this post, but rest assured, I’M FINE! 

I knew that something was wrong when I found myself in the situation with Martin and still entertaining Ian when he made it clear that I didn’t really matter to him. I started questioning my decisions and what was guiding them. 

Therapy helped me to understand my complicated relationships with men who are unavailable physically, emotionally, and/or mentally. Having these relationships triggers my need to connect and prove that I’m worthy of connecting with. One of the many things that can happen when you have a history of the important men in your life singing your praises, but not showing up for you. You get left with a need to prove that you are worth it. If you stick it out long enough, maybe he’ll appreciate your patience and start showing up for you. When that doesn’t work, you settle for the connection you can get to ease the trigger. That is why when things went left with Ian, I was so willing to receive the attention from Martin. Oftentimes, there is a reason for why you do the things you do. 

Back in May, I attended Keenan and Roe’s wedding. It was beautiful! It was a nice reunion of some of my high school friends that I hadn’t seen in a while. I had a great time! I also had an epiphany. At that wedding, I realized that I do in fact want a husband. GROSS!!!!! I’ve been in and attended several weddings. Never have I walked away thinking “I want a husband!” I always walked away like “damn I want to have a wedding”...those are two different things. When I had that epiphany, I started thinking like I’m not ready to be someone’s wife. My life is not where I want it to be in order to attract what I want from my husband.

Around the time of the wedding, I was reading This Could Be Us by Kennedy Ryan. It has a lot to do with where my mind was before the wedding and my understanding that I’m not ready to be someone’s wife. I won’t give away all the details, but in the book, Soledad had to essentially date herself and discover who she is outside of her marriage. The journey that she went on, opened my eyes to things that I was getting wrong and it also opened my mind up to me being different from who I thought I was/who I used to be. 

I tweeted about doing shit for the plot and yes, I’m definitely guilty of thinking “this’ll make a good story”. That is very dangerous, guys! Don’t do that. I have felt so much inner turmoil because *sometimes* I recognize when I’m doing something that isn’t in alignment with who I am. Why would I do that? More questions.

Since the wedding and finishing the book, I’ve done a deep dive into myself in an attempt to see the baseline. Where am I starting in this journey to better myself and to better understand myself? I had to get real about why I attract men who don’t treat me well. And the reality is because I don’t treat myself very well. I set the tone for how I am to be treated and what am I showing them? When you allow someone to disrespect you, you’re teaching them that you don’t respect yourself. When you allow someone to be inconsiderate of you, you’re teaching them that you don’t matter to yourself.  I am the poster child for advocating for myself against most everything except my own bad decisions.  Boy, that was hard to say. 

Bad decisions include, but are not limited to: men, diet, spending, exercise, what I make time for vs what I claim to never have time for…A lot of my bad decisions don’t have much to do with other people and everything to do with me. 

I don’t necessarily believe that you can’t be properly loved if you don’t properly love yourself, I just think you can’t tell good love from fake love without knowing how it feels from your experience with yourself. Hopefully that makes sense!

I have things I need to work on before I feel like I’m the person I want to be when it’s time to go husband shopping. I want to make sure I’m giving myself the best before I expect that out of someone else. I’m not happy with the way that I treat myself and I have a few goals I’d like to work on to improve that. 

Notes: It took me months to write this because things were continuing to unfold that kept changing how I needed to word this. For example, I was unemployed when I started this, but am now working. I also had a hard time admitting some of this, even to myself. There are definitely things missing, that are just too much to share.  I had to get to a place where I’ve done some of the work before I could post it. I still have one major goal to accomplish. Hopefully me and September are on the same page. 

​Thanks for reading!