Then Came Martin...

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We’re just going to jump right into it…So we left off with the gemini basically changing his mind about things and me deciding that confusion means no.

Around the same time that Ian fell into my lap October/Novemberish, I was in the process of collaborating with Martin on a project. Things with Ian fell off some time in January…I know that because that’s the first time I used the Journal app on my phone. It was making journaling suggestions after I had gone out somewhere and I happened to see the entry I made about things going downhill with Ian lol.. At first, everything was very professional with Martin and then I started to notice some flirting. DMing me after I made certain posts…heart eyes, a few daaaamns, small stuff like that at first. I was a little confused and maybe a little bit in denial because this man is in a relationship!!!!!

I’ve always thought of a man in a relationship as something I would never fuck with. I learned through my experience with Martin, that I can't speak on experiences and situations that I've not had or been a part of before. The intention with Martin was always pure, at least on my end. I can’t say that with certainty for Martin. At the time that the conversations started to become more flirty and sexual, Ian stopped responding to me regularly. My messages would sit for like a week. Idk if Martin had spidey senses or something, but he knew when to try it. I was in a vulnerable place and it’s like he swooped in and started providing me with some of the things that were keeping me so high on Ian. 

I began to flirt back. Flirting back led to Martin becoming more comfortable. He started sending pictures and videos. I couldn’t believe it!!! Because the thing about Martin is, I’m not attracted to him. Like not at all. He’s not ugly, he’s just not my type. There were two things happening at once…I was disgusted and curious. How far is this going to go? I was disgusted because I know this person in real life and always thought he was kinda sleazy. It was easy to continue to get what I needed from him, because sometimes I could forget that it was HIM that I was talking to. It’s kinda like fucking someone in the dark. Can’t see who they are so they can be anybody? I’ve never done that, but that’s what came to mind lol. So sometimes when I would talk to him, he wasn’t him. He was just the guy that was providing a need. 

Another component to this is that sometimes doing the wrong thing is fun. When the pictures and videos were exchanged, it was thrilling! Like I would feel this gross childlike excitement when something new was sent my way. I was learning a lot about him, he told me secrets, and he always shared his appreciation for me. My cup was getting filled…from the wrong person, obviously. 

If you noticed, I never mentioned anything about us seeing each other…It’s because I don’t think this would translate well in real life. Yes, I know him, but I don’t hang out with him. Seeing each other in the midst of this would kill the fantasy that it became for me. Remember, he was the guy fulfilling my needs. If I saw him in person, then it would be Martin fulfilling my needs and that wouldn’t work. 

I ended things with him, citing being a bad person and doing bad things, to which he made no comment. Things have become normal-ish between us since ending it, but he recently told me that a picture I posted, “made my day”...so yeah.

I know I participated in some minor salacious behavior, but I'm not one to live with huge regrets. I learned a lot from this experience. It was life changing. 

When we come back, I’ll be sharing a lot about what I figured out from these experiences with Martin and Ian, therapy,  attending Keenan and Roe’s wedding,  and the book This Could Be Us by Kennedy Ryan.