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Loving myself does not mean there aren’t things about me that I don’t like. While I enjoy how far I’ve come and I’m proud of what I’ve done to get to where I am today, I do recognize that I’m still a flawed person. The work never stops!
Here is one thing that gives me the ick about myself: I talk too much. In every way you can imagine. I overcommunicate some things, I go on tangents when I’m trying to tell a simple story, and I always have an opinion that needs to be shared. I would love to just shut up, sometimes. I hear myself talking and I think like stop. Just stop. What are you doing? Why are you still talking? I’m working on it. Sometimes I’ll catch myself and wrap it up. Or I’ll have an opinion and just keep it to myself. I think the communication thing has a lot to do with protecting boundaries and making sure I make all of my feelings/needs known, but I think that this is a fine line. Being secure in my decisions and who I am shouldn’t require so much talking. I’m learning where to draw the line and in what situations I should do so. So in an effort to not talk so much… Thanks for reading!
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Turning 34 was so hard and I didn’t see it coming. When I first entered the work force and was living on my own, life was hard. I turned 34 and *shocker* life is still hard. I’ve had to be very intentional about noticing the ways in which my life looks the way that I once dreamed about. The first thing I’m going to acknowledge is my bed! One thing I always knew about myself is that I like to sleep. Comfortably. My sign of truly making it in life is having the perfect bed. Maybe I always knew I wasn’t an outside person lol  When I moved into my first apartment in 2015, I had my best friend's childhood twin bed. It was made of thick hardwood back when things were made of quality material. It was so sturdy! I loved that bed, but I knew I needed more space. I tried to find a picture, but I don’t have one 🙁 After that twin bed, I upgraded and it felt massive in comparison. I had room to leave stuff in my bed and I was so excited about that. Post college, I struggled to get back into reading and being able to leave books in the bed helped with that. Quick access. PS, look how tiny that tv is!!! This was like 2016 lol When I moved into my current place, I finally accepted that my favorite color is pink and designed my cute little pink bedroom. It still isn’t done yet, but it’ll do for now. Anyway, I loved my bed and my room, and my apartment as a whole. In July of 2024, I made a new friend. I went to his house and got in his bed…Then I went home, got in my bed, and was like oh…I need a new bed. So I went to Mattress Firm and bought the bed of my dreams. I decided not to get a headboard…When I move into a more final home, a headboard is the way I plan to elevate my bed. It is a king sized bed that does cool things and it fits me, my stuffed animals, my bed tray, my kindle holder, a thousand pillows, and occasionally, that man although I never leave him any space 🤭  One day, I will go into detail about why turning 34 was so devastating (dramatic much?), but for the time being, I'm going to continue to focus on the things that worked out for me. This bed is definitely a win!
Thanks for reading! ❤️ So I’ve been wanting to write this for some time, but I always get distracted by something else. There are just some things that GET ON MY NERVESSSS! Here are the first 10 that came to mind:
 2. One more driving one…I HATE when people don’t use turning signals. It gives “Major Douche Bag”.  3. I try to be more patient with this one, but it drives me nuts when people ask questions with obvious answers. Example: you agree to go to dinner at a certain time, you show up and meet at the door and they ask "are you ready to go inside?" Nope...thought we'd stand out here all night.  4. There is one coworker who does this to me regularly...I can't stand when people ask me “how’s it going?” at 8am…How is what going? Leave me alone.  5. I make things awkward with this one because I can't just ignore it. I do not like being lumped into negative opinions. Example: "We're boring and just like to read and color". I don't find that boring so that's not how I would phrase that. If you think your interests are boring, that's on you, but don't lump me into your shit.  6. Remember when we were required to be at least 6ft away from everyone? What a time. I am really bothered by people standing too close. At my job, people will LITERALLY walk on your heels. I mean actually step on you because they are so close. BACK TF UP!!!  7. This next one, only happens at McDonald's. Everywhere else that I place a mobile order I say, "Hi, I have a mobile order for Ashley A." When I tried that at McDonald's they were like no we need the code. Ok cool. So I'll go to McDonald's and they'll ask if I'm using the app. I say yes, I have a mobile order. Most of them say "Ok, what's the code?" But there is this one lady there who never asks for the code. I say I'm using the app and she says "Ok." I'm like ok maybe she has to pull up a different screen or something and then she'll say "are you going to tell me the code?" with a little tude in her voice. YOU DIDN'T ASK!!!! Everyone else always asks. You're the weirdo here, not me.  The last three are things I do that really piss me off: 8. I'm a disaster cook. I cannot stand how my kitchen looks after I'm done cooking. Why would I do that to myself?  9. I wake up so annoyed when I realize I fell asleep reading...like I set this time aside for this and fell asleep after only a few pages. It's amazing that I get books read!  10. I change my sheets weekly. When the deadline day rolls around (changes depending on my weekend plans), I will wake up and take the sheets off my bed to make sure it gets done. But sometimes...I forget that I did that or time gets away from me. I'll go to my room to go to bed only to discover that there are no sheets.  A lot of things get on my nerves and I'm not even safe from myself lol
Am I tripping?? Who knows. Thanks for reading!! ❤️ Good (morning, afternoon, evening) whenever you read this lol So some of you are aware that I’ve gotten into journaling. On this journey, I have discovered that there are so many unique and creative ways to do it. A few people at work are into bullet journaling with me and we share ideas sometimes. One of them showed me her January journal that had a daily list. I was interested and decided to give it a try. My january journal was already done, so I did it for February. The lists are kind of like a daily journal prompt. Each month has a theme that the list follows. For February, it was love. I left the creator’s instagram handle on the screenshot in case anyone is interested. Take a look:  These are some of the most surprising and meaningful lists from the month. In an effort to stop writing novels in my blog, I did not explain why these lists stood out lol 3 Ways I Show Love:
4 Things That Make Me Feel Connected
3 Things Belonging Feels Like
3 People Who Shaped Me
5 Things I’m Grateful for in My Community
Doing these lists allowed me to really explore what matters to me in love and what love looks like to me. Most importantly, it showed me how much love I have in my life. If anyone is interested in journaling April with me, here is the list of lists for April!  Thanks for reading!
So for the last few years, I have written my Valentine’s Day Posts with a Q and A with my instagram followers and a few friends outside of that. I would also include some confessions. Well this year, I’m going to take a different approach. I’m going to share a few stories from my love life’s horror collection. Horror Story #1 The first guy I had sex with altered my view of men and relationships. I learned to put no faith in the word “soon”. He lived in Cleveland and I was in Dayton. We had two different understandings of what our relationship was. I was not listening and he was not clear. But if I had known back then to pay attention to actions, his words didn’t need to be clear. I would always ask, “When are you going to come see me?” and he would say “Soon”. He came to see me once in 5 years. Horror Story #2 Every guy that I’ve been involved with since that first guy up there, has taught me something that has ensured that at least one aspect of my experience with the next guy would be better. So now let’s fast forward to this guy. We met shortly after Thanksgiving one year. He lived in Columbus (upgrade because Columbus is closer than Cleveland). This guy also loved to facetime me. He would take me on the phone to most places he went. But do you know where he didn’t like to go? To my house. There must’ve been a point in time where he had been a little more consistent with showing up, because I planned a date for him. He was very interested in like planes and stuff and he’s from Columbus so he had never been to the National Air Force Museum. I never cooked for him, but we cooked something together that he really enjoyed. So I was going to take him to the National Air Force Museum and then cook that meal for him, but he never showed up. This would prove to be a consistent pattern that ultimately led to our break up. He would make plans with me, get drunk at home, and then not come. Or he would say he’s going to go visit his friend before he gets on the highway and then he wouldn’t come. Lame.  Horror Story #3 So I had this little side quest with this older man. Like waaaay older. Anyway, he was going through a divorce and I was his little midlife crisis fling lol So remember, every guy is an upgrade in some way. He would buy me groceries. But then he would make plans with me, I would do the everything shower in preparation and then he wouldn’t show up. Why am I this girl for men? I don’t know. Let’s not talk about it! Anyway, I started ignoring his request to come over, therefore not preparing for it and that’s when he would show up. It was so embarrassing, but we’re talking grown man here, he didn’t give a fuck. But I did! So then I would try to keep up the maintenance, but it is exhausting and he wouldn’t show up when I was all put together!!! So then I started thinking preparing was jinxing me, so I just gave it up until it really bothered me. But I stopped being uncomfortable with it because he just didn’t care. Horror Story #4 Remember, every guy is better than the last in at least one area. For this guy, it was sex. Up until this point, he was the best sex I’d ever had. I actually haven’t told yall about him yet. That’s a juicy story for a future date. Anyway, this guy was very rough around the edges and he was very hot and cold with me. One minute he would be like “I want to give you the world” or “You’re my delicate flower” (🤢) and “oh you haven’t done XYZ? You deserve to”....and then the next minute he would ignore me for an entire weekend and be like “Relax” or “It ain’t that deep” simply because I’m asking for some communication. I’m an early riser (like I will wake up at 6am any day and be ready for the world). So on nights where we slept together, I would be stuck in the bed til like 10 because he’s a tight cuddler. I be ready to eat around 7:30 if I’m being for real lol. Well one morning, we were cuddling and I just couldn’t lie there any longer so I got up. I was half way across the room and he woke up. He goes “so you don’t wanna cuddle with me no more? Cool, I should’ve went home anyway”. And then he left and never came back (my decision).  Notes
Yeah, it’s been a fun journey…I just want to say that I escaped with 0 pregnancies/babies so we just thank God for looking out. I take most of the responsibility for the relationships I’ve had with men. There were always red flags. I was just young and maybe a little naive. I thought that I had to prove myself in order to be treated right so I tried in all of these situations longer than I should’ve. All these guys were before I turned 30!!! Things are still not where I’d like them to be, but we are wiser, frans. I want you all to go into your Valentine’s Day with appreciation in your heart for your partner because bitch, it’s rough out here!!!!!! Thanks for reading 😘 Since we're snowed in, take a shot (or a sip) every time I use the word "Delusional" lol So in my life, being delusional hasn’t worked out for me and I think it has a lot to do with the things I was choosing to be delusional about. In my younger years, delusion was a product of inexperience. Now that I’m a little older, I understand that being delusional can work in my favor as long as I’m being delusional about the right things. I just want yall to know that I was inspired by Te’Jal to think about being delusional. She recently started season 3 of Moments of Clarity. You can check it out on Wednesday evenings at 7:30 on IG Live (@tejaljarrae) 🙂 The first episode was about getting delusional about your dreams and aspirations! I’m not going to detail the goals I’m choosing to be delusional about right now, but I am going to tell you a story about the first time being delusional worked out for me. During the 2022-2023 school year, I got sick a lot. I wore a mask for a lot longer than most other people and when I finally took it off, I caught EVERY FUCKING THING!!! So when it came to the next school year, I was like “I need a sink in my room”. I have to really make sure everyone is washing their hands. Will that stop all illness? No, but it may at least give me the opportunity to show them how to properly wash their hands and have them do it anytime they do gross, but normal, 5 year old kid things. I started doing some research and suggesting it to my principal. He was not the type to say no, but he didn't say yes a lot either lol anyway, he basically said if you find a sink for the right price that kindergarten can handle, we can talk about it. I was serious about it for a few weeks and then I didn’t think he would pay the prices I was seeing. I talked to the assistant principal and she was giving me ideas about sinks that could work. I started looking into pump sinks, but my brain couldn’t be okay with that. I just imagined water getting everywhere and I just thought it would require too many skills at once to have them step on the pump and wash their hands correctly. So, no, that was not going to work. My school was pretty good at providing me with what I needed to do my job, feed the kids, and make school more fun, as far as supplies were concerned. But a purchase that was hundreds of dollars when there are sinks downstairs, didn’t seem feasible. I hadn’t given up, I was just unsure of how I was gonna get this sink. Well, the art teacher did not return and do you know what she had in her room? A portable sink. I got excited for a couple days, but then there were rumors that there would still be art, just done by someone else. So I was like that won’t work either. I taught summer school for most summers that we offered it. We always had so much fun! It was nice for finding out what things were going on in the building because our janitor was a talker. It was also a nice way to get your floors waxed first! Anyway, one of those hot summer days, I walked downstairs and there was a sink literally sitting in the middle of the hallway. I asked the janitor if there was a plan for that and he said no. I was like now there is. And that’s how kindergarten got a sink! I was very unsure of how this was going to happen, but I just kept seeing the sink in my room. And here it is...I miss my classroom!!  The next story on my storytelling journey starts out kinda where we left off. Well a little bit behind, same era!
So we’re in the Upward Bound era of my life. I was living in a dorm with everything I owned. If you know about survival mode, then you know how much stuff you just don’t have time to pay attention to. It’s filled with anxiety, depression, uncertainty, fear…nothing good. Yes, things were looking up at this point, but I still hadn’t started at school yet and I still wasn’t in my apartment. When you’re in survival mode, if it’s not tangible, it’s not real. As you can imagine, I wasn’t feeling like my best self. I go to a one on one meeting with one of the program coordinators and he tells me that I inspire him. 🤨 huh? Me? Broke, unsure, depressed, me? You’ve got to be kidding me. He flipped my world upside down with those words. I won’t say I felt invisible. I will say that I felt insignificant and unworthy. But what I couldn’t understand then, I better understand now. I was a baby adult at the time and thought that I could hide what was going on in my life. He was more of an adultier adult and he could probably see right through me. The second time I heard something like this was almost 10 years later. I had been working alongside a woman who changed my life soon after entering it. We’ll talk about that in the next story 😊 Anyway, she had attempted therapy a few times and did not enjoy her experience. In my last year of teaching, she started therapy! I was so happy!! Then she shared with me that my therapy journey encouraged her to try again. Again, I had my world flipped upside down. The reason why these words were so difficult for me to process at these times in my life is because of two opposite reasons. I didn't matter to me and I mattered only to me. In 2015, I was at a low point. I was so focused on trying to get to the next day. I was struggling to matter even to myself. Then someone saw me and I was like what? That’s crazy lol Then in 2024 I had worked on myself so much that I cancelled out all the outside noise. In my brain, there were no other people and they did not have opinions about me. My therapy journey was personal and 100% about me, my healing, my boundaries, and self love. These were two totally different versions of Ashley still struggling to hear similar words. 2015 was about realizing that despite what I’m going through, there is more to me and people can see it. Perhaps my circumstances should not define me? 2024 was about realizing that because I exist in community with others, my work is not solely for me. Both instances showed me that I have the ability to make an impact. Teaching stole my identity for 10 years so to have someone tell me that my personal journey inspired them to act, was astonishing to me. Shoutout to my therapist! We got me together! Thanks for reading :) Hey frans! I’m writing this post to basically say how much I hated August. August was a rough month for me. Here is what tried to take me out this month: I was triggered by death. Grieving the start of a school year that was starting without me. Hitting my one year anniversary at my job only to hit a wall immediately after. Experienced a lack of confidence that I haven’t felt in years. Faced the health emergency of a close family member My anxiety was through the roof. Struggling with difficult feelings about a friend (not no romantic shit) I felt the loneliness of being single. I shared on Facebook that I was able to move to biweekly therapy appointments. This may seem like an odd time to do that, but let me share why it is actually really good. The reason why I was able to move to biweekly appointments is because despite what I was feeling, I functioned. I went to work, I saw my family, I ate, I showered, and I communicated. Past Ashley, would’ve folded so quickly. I would’ve quit life for a while. For most of my therapy journey, I never thought that I would be any different. I thought anxiety would always run my life, I would always need to see my therapist, and I would always require so much help to hold me up. The door is open for me to bump it up to weekly or even more than once a week. But I think I’m good, for now. For the record, I am back to being myself! I was reminded that I am surrounded by great people! I got this Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte this morning to say FUCK YOU to August and HELLO to September 🎃 Thanks for reading 😊  Hey frans! I’m going on a storytelling adventure and I’m bringing you guys along with me. I was in bed one morning thinking about all these moments in my life that got me to where I am right now. The first story I’m going to tell is what led me to the school I taught at for 9 years. There was a whole bunch of crazy stuff that happened right before that. I was working at this awful daycare. It smelled like pee, it had carpet on all the floors, which I thought was super weird, and not many people there seemed qualified for the roles they were in. One thing I always knew was that I do not appreciate people who do a bad job with children. Like how can you choose this work and not strive to be your best? Anyway, I was at one of the lowest points in my newly adult life. I was very poor, making $10 an hour, I worked for a terrible person who gave me shit about calling off when I had a fever. Found out I had pneumonia when I couldn’t breathe and went to the emergency room. Obviously, I was not yet the Ashley most of you know today. She was in the oven, not quite done yet. As I was reaching my breaking point with life in general, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me that I was too good for where we were working and that I needed to get out of there. I immediately got on the Dayton consortium and applied to one school. Within the same week that I applied to that school, my friend had basically accepted two positions and put herself in charge of filling one of those positions. It would start in less than two weeks. It was only for 6 weeks. I was hesitant to quit my “permanent” job for a temporary one, but then I got a call from the Assistant Principal at the school. They wanted to interview me. Everything happened pretty quickly after that. I ended up quitting the daycare only able to give them a 6 day notice. In a two week time period, I had secured two jobs. When I tell yall the stars aligned, the lease on the apartment Tej and I had was up and we weren't renewing. I got the job at Upward Bound that included housing and I moved into a dorm with all my stuff. I found an apartment that became available as soon as Upward Bound ended. I moved into that apartment just one week before I was to report for my first day of work at the school. I applied to one school and worked there for 9 years. 2015 is arguably one of my best years… For shits and giggles: Here - you can find the post I wrote about my Upward Bound experience Here- you can find the story of how I lost my virginity...during Upward Bound 🤭 Thanks for reading 😊 This picture is from one of my first nights in that apartment. I didn't have the furniture moved in yet. I ended up living here for 6 years. Also, it was Luke's first home ❤️  There are some things in my life that I’ve changed my mind about. At the time that I thought these things, I was locked into those opinions. Here are a few things that I’ve changed my mind about over the years. 1. Shapewear. I used to hate the idea of shapewear. Like why would I want to hide my body? You can already see that I’m fat. I just didn’t get it. Somehow, I ended up with one piece. I’m not sure what I bought it for, but it was okay, I guess. It was a bottom piece to smooth out my stomach and thighs when I wear long, tighter fitting dresses. It wasn’t convincing enough to make me buy anymore. Fast forward a few years and I get a Yitty membership. I was buying onesies and loungewear, avoiding shapewear. I put on this dress one day and I thought I was so cute, until I wore it outside, saw pictures of myself and thought ohhhhhhh this is why people wear shapewear lol. I was still cute, but my belly was everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I wear two piece bathing suits, crop tops, whatever. I’m not ashamed of my belly, I was just able to see that for me to look the way I want in some outfits or articles of clothing, shapewear may be beneficial. I’m still learning the pieces that work best for me, because I have small boobs and big everything else. I’m also still learning how to put the shit on by myself. It’s so fucking hard!!! It requires two people. I’ve made it work when I need to and I also have put it on and then asked my friends to fix it for me when I get to wherever I’m going. I am not saying that fat girls need shapewear to look good. I’m saying that sometimes I need shapewear to feel good about what I’m wearing. 2. Makeup. Similar to the way I felt about shapewear, I didn’t understand the purpose for makeup. You know what my face looks like so why cover it up? My recent expedition into the makeup world helped me understand that it’s not about a cover up. For me, it was about elevation. It’s a part of a dress code. For me, it’s not a daily thing, it’s an occasional thing. I’ve only worn it like 4 times, but only have good photos of one time!  3. Shoes in the house. As a result of Covid, I have developed a bit of a germaphobia. I didn’t understand why people made a big deal about people wearing shoes in the house. I never used to care. Maybe they have holey socks and don’t want to have to show that. Maybe their shoes make their feet stink and they don’t want people to smell it. I have been in both of those situations. But after Covid, my brain changed. Thinking about where people’s shoes have been grosses me out. Like do you know what’s on the ground? Do you understand what kinda shit you’re tracking into my home? TAKE YOUR FUCKING SHOES OFF!!!! This is one I struggle with, because I know it’s a result of my germaphobia and anxiety. I have strong boundaries, but I am insecure about my germaphobia. I feel like people think I’m crazy and not giving af about those opinions is still a little tough for me. 4. Dark Romance. Before I get into this one let me just say that I enjoy reading these things, NOT HAVING THEM DONE TO ME. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s continue. Ok as recent as 2024, you couldn’t have paid me to read a book with a skull on the cover. I used to judge those books by their covers and be like hell nah I ain’t reading that shit. Then last September came around and Phantasma found its way to my door. I am forever changed and I’m not going back. I won’t go into detail about what these books entail, but just know, they have become a part of my happy place. Here are a few titles to look into, if you want to know more. 5. Drinking. I was once the girl who could out drink most of my friends, never believed in wasting alcohol, and I drank with the intention of getting drunk. We were young, that’s what we did. Now, I can barely have more than two glasses of wine, I take baby shots, and if I don’t finish my drink at the restaurant OH WELL! My relationship with alcohol has changed so much. I never want to be drunk ever again. You couldn’t have told 23 year old Ashley that 33 year old Ashley would feel this way. I love a good margarita, old fashioned, and deep red wines. I don’t need much, though. What are some things you’ve changed your mind about? Thanks for reading!  |
